


Side Roads

by LucysPromDress



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bi Dean, Breaking up is hard to do, Castiel is Not Oblivious, Castiel is a Novak, Cheating, Confused Dean Winchester, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Destiel Port Facebook Group, Destiel Port Prompt, DestielFFPrompt, F/M, Gabriel is a Novak, Heavy Angst, Human Castiel, Lucifer and Michael (Supernatural) are Twins, Lucifer is a Novak, M/M, No Spoilers, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not Beta Read, Prompt Fic, Protective Gabriel, Protective Lucifer, Read at Your Own Risk, Recreational Drug Use, Sad, Sad Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-05-25 10:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14975135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucysPromDress/pseuds/LucysPromDress
Summary: Dean has a mid-life crisis at 31 and ends a twelve-year relationship with Cas. He briefly tries to find the life he thinks he's been missing out on, but quickly finds that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. When Dean finally comes to his senses, hurt Cas isn't so forgiving and is determined to move on with his life.What was meant to be a simple fling turns into a nightmare and threatens the lives of both Dean and Cas.Can they manage to survive and put the pieces of their lives back together?





	1. Prompt

Based on the following prompt written by Sybildiscontent

 

Dean was exhausted. Mentally and physically just...drained. Wearily he guided Baby into his parking spot in front of their house and sat, engine idling, staring blankly through the windshield. He had been driving all night, opting to make the 12-hour drive in one go rather than waste money he didn't really have on a cheap hotel room. He wouldn't have been able to sleep, anyway.  
  
Not that he wasn’t tired. On the contrary, he was fucking bone weary at this point. But sleep was an evasive bitch these days, and try as he might he just couldn’t manage to quiet his mind enough to get more than a few restless hours here and there. His time away had been... not as helpful as he had hoped. Don't get him wrong, time with Sam was always time he cherished, and this trip had been no exception.  
  
But the week he had spent with Sam and Jess had been equally too short and too long. The days spent hanging and bullshitting with his brother and new wife were relaxing and cathartic, joking and jabbing and playing hours of video games and helping Jess cook... it flew by. It was the nights that were never-ending.  
  
The bed in their guest room had been soft and comfortable, the sheets smelling faintly of lemon and some flower he couldn’t quite place. And he had lain there, night after night, taking in deep breath after deep breath, willing his heart to stop aching, trying in vain to force his brain to shut the fuck up and let him enjoy the peace and quiet and calm that should have enveloped him, knowing he was safe and loved in his brothers home. But it was no use. No amount of beer or sleeping meds or the endless attempts to wear himself out during the day had convinced his mind that sleep wasn’t the enemy. Each morning dawned with Deans sleep-gritted eyes blinking blearily at the creeping light having spent hours chasing the same endless loop of “this is wrong, something is missing, I feel lost, I shouldn’t have gone.”  
  
On the fifth day of what was supposed to be a 7-day vacation, Dean has given up the ghost and conceded defeat. Nothing was getting better by him having run away. His problems with Cas weren’t any better, a solution wasn’t any clearer and the hole in his heart definitely wasn’t healing any. He needed to bite the bullet and head home. He needed to tell Cas he wasn’t happy, that things just weren’t working. He needed to know that Cas understood, ask for some space and just... think. He needed Cas to know he had fucked up, and now he wasn’t sure what to do.  
  
So he had packed his sorry-looking duffel bag before Sam and Jess were even up for the day and loaded it into his car. He stayed long enough to get confused, bleary morning hugs and promised to call and let them know he got home okay, and then he was gone, heading back home. He hadn’t told Cas he was coming home early. To be fair, he *also* hadn’t told Cas he was leaving in the first place. He had chicken-shitted out and left a note, saying some excuse how Sam needed him and he’d be back when things were worked out.  
  
He assumed Cas had called Sam while Dean was driving out to California because after the first few hours of ignored phone calls and text messages Cas had stopped trying to contact Dean. It was a relief at first but around the second day of radio silence, Dean had found himself writing text messages to Cas, longing to hear from him. He stopped himself before he had sent any, however, not really wanting to continue the lie of why he had left and definitely not wanting to have a conversation of what was wrong.  
  
  
But none of that mattered now. He was home, about to walk in and face whatever music Cas had for him. Dean heaved a great sigh and slowly clicked off the ignition, his ears ringing in the sudden absence of Baby’s calming rumble. Fighting nerves that made his stomach clench like he might vomit or pass out with each step he forced his body to keep moving to the front door. The house loomed, dark and silent as he approached. It looked like Cas may be sleeping. That was...good? Bad?  
  
He couldn’t decide if waiting through another night was worth the ulcer this was surely causing him. Maybe he would wake Cas up and get the conversation over with. He rubbed his palm across his face, pulled in a deep breath and pushed open the door.  
  
  
Quietly, Dean stepped into the front hallway and set his bag down on the floor. He toes off his boots and hung his jacket on the hook, cocking his head slightly to see if he could hear any movement deeper within the house, trying to ascertain if Cas might still be awake. Only silence greeted him and somehow it made his chest clench even tighter. He would have to wake him up, this couldn’t go on another night. Dean needed to come clean to Cas. He had cheated. He was confused. He was sorry. He needed time. He needed Cas to know. Steeling himself he made his way to the staircase that led up to their bedroom. ‘Here goes nothing,’ he thought grimly as he ascended the stairs towards the love of his life. The love whom he was about to destroy.  
  
  
But when Dean reached their bedroom, Cas was nowhere to be seen. For a split second Dean was relieved- Cas was awake! But then, why hadn’t he had any lights on? Where *was* he? It’s not like Dean had been trying to be quiet as he made his way inside. Dean furrowed his brow and took a closer look around the room.  
  
Nothing was missing, nothing out of place. Well, almost nothing. All that awaited him was a note. A single sheet of paper, written in Cas’ delicate hand, placed carefully on his pillow. Dean slowly sank onto the bed, reaching to turn on the lamp. He sat there for seconds, hours, days, weeks before he managed to will his arm to reach for the note. With shaking fingers, he began to read.

_“My Dearest Dean,_   
_Would you even notice_   
_if one day I wasn’t here?_   
_Would your mind remember promised words_   
_I whispered to your ears?_   
_And would your body miss my touch?_   
_Or long for my embrace?_   
_Your lips recall the press of mine?_   
_Your tongue recall my taste?_   
_Would the skin upon your fingers_   
_burn with fire lit within?_   
_Dreaming how they swept and teased, caressed and pleased my skin?_   
_Memories now between us,_   
_Just words among the wind._   
_Lovers to friends then friends to strangers, emotions now rescind._   
_The distance grown between us more a chasm than a hole._   
_The lies and fears and broken trust,_   
_the endgame is not the goal._   
_Would your eyes still shine like emeralds_   
_when they catch light from the sun?_   
_Would your lips seek out another’s skin_   
_and make them come undone?_   
_How soon till you find love again?_   
_Another’s arms to hold?_   
_Or would you miss if I’m not there?_   
_Take comfort in the cold?_   
_I’ve nothing left to count on_   
_And nothing left to give_   
_I look and I see nothing_   
_But this hollow life to live._   
_So when you wake tomorrow,_   
_Know I took my leave from there..._   
_Ask yourself if now you notice?_   
_Do you even care?_   
  
_Goodbye,_   
  
_Cas”_


	2. You Don't Get Me High Anymore

_Nothing is fun_  
_Not like before_  
_You don't get me high anymore_  
Three Days Grace- You Don't Get Me High Anymore

 

Dean sat on the side of the neatly made bed holding the note, rereading the words, seeing them but not seeing them. _Did he care_? Of _course_ he cared, that was why he had left the way he had, why he had taken the time away to think, to give Cas time to think. He hadn’t really thought to get that note, though, or even to find their house devoid of Cas. Avoidance had been his game and Dean had thought that their talk could be put off, that he wouldn’t have to say the things that had been on his mind, in his heart for a few more days. Just a few more days before he destroyed Cas, before he told him what a cheating bastard he had been. How he was anxious to see the woman he had been unfaithful with again, to be happy again, even for a few more minutes. He deserved that.  
  
A separation was what he wanted, wasn’t it? To go their own ways for a while, to see if they could find themselves, have other adventures, see new people, write different stories and eventually, maybe, make their ways back to each other? If it was meant to be, that is, and Dean had his doubts about that. You don’t get tired of your soulmate. You don’t work all day and go to the bar when you get off just to avoid their presence. This was the easy way out; tear free.  
  
There were no long talks or fights or discussion about who was taking the house and who was going to find a new place. Hell, they weren’t even married but they had been together for a long time and they had a lot of everything together, only it looked like Cas had left him that everything. A brief glance around their room told Dean that Cas had even left most of his own stuff, like pictures on the dresser and it looked like the majority of his jewelry. Not this was nothing like what he had been dreading the whole way California and the whole way back. Clean, neat, simple. Easy. Exactly the way he had hoped it would go but had never dreamed it would.  
  
But -

Oh, yeah. It hurt. His heart clenched in his chest as he balled the paper in his fist. It was hard to tell if he wanted to see and hear from Cas or it was just something he was used to. Like breathing. No, he didn’t want this to end this way, Cas wasn’t supposed to just leave like this. Not like this. He wasn’t as cold and heartless as his relief made him seem. Confrontation was just something he hated. Actions were more his speed, but words, saying the words, looking into big blue eyes and breaking his heart - that broke Dean down. He just - couldn’t. But they needed the break. They needed a chance at happiness and not just the redundancy their lives had become.  
  
Dean rubbed a hand over his eyes in both frustration and plain exhaustion. Despite the way it had happened, despite the guilt he felt - the sadness, the relief he felt that he hated more than anything right now - the aching, bone numbing tiredness was taking over. With the heavy burden he had been carrying for weeks off of him, he finally felt like sleep would come if he let it. His bed, neatly made. His pillows above the thick blue comforter and crisp white sheets - all of it so inviting. Sleep almost took him as he just imagined crawling into bed and pulling the covers over him in a pitch dark room. Mm. Yes, so much yes. But first things first.  
  
Before he could change his mind or think too much about it, Dean’s phone was out and the number was dialed, after three rings he could hear a throat clear as his call was answered.  
  
“Hello, Dean,” the familiar voice answered softly, sleepily.  
  
“Hey,” Dean replied. “I uh, I’m sorry that I just left town like that. I uh, had...”  
  
Dean was cut off before he could finish. “You don’t have to make an excuse. I know you needed to think. I needed to think too.” There was silence on both ends of the line as they both waited for the other to speak, Dean's mouth closing as he listened again. “I did think. A lot. About you. And I think we should talk, really talk, about where we want to go from here and whether this - us - is going to last.”  
  
There was silence again for a few beats and Dean finally spoke up. “Yeah, I want to talk, I think we should talk. I - hope maybe we’re on the same page here.” Dean stifled a yawn. “But uh, maybe in the morning - afternoon. I just rolled in from Sammy’s and I’m pretty beat. Bed is sounding more and more like a good idea.”  
  
“That’s where I was before you called and woke me up.” A breathy laugh followed by a yawn came, and Dean laid back on the bed, his head resting against the pillow while he listened. “Come and see me tomorrow, Dean. I’ll take my lunch at one. We can talk then.”  
  
Dean nodded before he realized that he was still on the phone and couldn’t be seen. “Tomorrow at one then,” he yawned. “Sleep tight, Anna.”  
  
Dean pressed the end button on his phone and tossed it over on the empty side of the bed. He turned on his side and stretched out an arm, grabbing a pillow and drawing it over towards his face. The only smell there was the fabric softener that all of their fresh from the dryer linens had; there was nothing of Cas there. No familiar smell that would lull him into a comfortable sleep. No scent, no smooth body under the covers. No arms that would hold him tight while delicate fingers carded through his hair. "Crap," he said as he rolled from the comfort of the bed and shuffled over to their bathroom to turn on the light. The evidence that his lover was gone was easy to see in there, even to eyes as heavy with sleep as his. The floral smelling soaps and shampoos that Cas publicly claimed he didn’t use and just bought for the guest bathroom, (but Dean knew better, he used them too), were gone. The silver shaving kit and toothbrush that belonged to Cas were gone, the place in the holder next to the new one left for Dean was empty. But on the sink were fresh towels, folded neatly and ready for him to use. New razors and shaving cream, soap and an aftershave that he liked. Somehow that was worse than the things that were missing. As Cas was packing his things to go he had thought about Dean, had left things out for him, just like he would normally do. And the goddamn hamper was empty, the whole reason he had gone in there. There wasn't a shirt with Cas' smell anywhere in the house.  
  
In the morning he would find his work clothes, dry cleaned and hanging neatly in his nearly empty closet, all of Cas’ suits and ties gone, all save the clothes that he and Dean shared. In the fridge there was an unopened case of beer and a shelf full of the puddings that Dean liked, while the freezer held a weeks worth of dinners, frozen and labeled. Checkbooks for their joint accounts, paid bills - everything laid out for him, he knew, to make the first week alone easy, so he wouldn’t struggle through it, when everything that had happened had been his own doing. A part of him resented Cas for being so responsible, for caring so much about him and whether he crashed and burned when they were apart. But the rest of him, the pieces that knew that he was grateful for this because he would have been a mess, these were the parts that he would shove away. The parts that he wouldn’t think about until he had to. This was what he wanted.

Cas was gone.


	3. Somewere In Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny mention of recreational drug use.

_'Cause I'm waiting for tonight_  
_Then waiting for tomorrow_  
_And I'm somewhere in between_  
Lifehouse- Somewhere In Between

 

Cas was gutted.  
  
Jess had called him the second Dean left their house this morning to tell him that Dean was coming home, but Cas had already done everything he needed to do and left the one he shared with Dean the night before. Now he was at his brother’s apartment sharing the guest room with the cat, Kit-Kat. Truth be told, Kit was a better roommate than Gabriel was shaping up to be. Less than twenty-four hours in and already Castiel had the strongest urge to throw everything into a trash bag and the washing machine and pray. The place was a wreck, more in the trashed with clutter than trashed with trash, but it still drove Cas crazy. Where he was neat and tidy and everything in its place, Gabe was - not. At all. He was just a little more unsettled in his life than Cas and that was fine for him. Gabriel owned a small bar in town and worked long and hard hours, that was the way he loved his life, messy and uncomplicated. He liked to party more and with the parties came loud, drunk people. Things were broken, drinks were spilled, everything all over the floors and tables when they left - it was the kind of havoc that Gabriel relished. Cas had seen it all before, he had visited his big brothers place often so he wasn't shocked when he came in. Honestly, he was more shocked that the guestroom had a made bed and wasn't full of junk or used condoms or hungover people. Thankfully Gabriel was being more respectful of the crap turn his life had taken though. There were no drunk people or loud music today, and the living room stayed as vacuumed as Cas had left it. He was grateful for the peace and quiet so he could try to work on some files for work he'd gotten behind on.  
  
Maybe he and Gabe wouldn’t completely kill each other while he was there.  
  
However long that might be.  
  
It was almost 9 o’clock. The drive from Sam’s was twelve hours and some change. The smallest part of Cas that still had hope in them hoped that Dean would call when he saw that Cas was gone, even to just say ‘goodnight’, or ‘kiss my ass I’m glad you’re gone’. Anything so Cas could just hear the voice he hadn’t heard in a week. Even Dean’s voicemail was that stupid recording telling him that Dean had pressed the ignore button.  
  
_The person you are calling..._.  
  
He remembered so many times that Dean had turned his phone off so they could have uninterrupted alone time together, and there was even that one time he’d thrown his phone over the balcony when Sam was calling while Cas was kneeling between his legs. That was a really fun Tuesday. Luckily they had been on vacation in a condo on a beach in Florida. Much public sex was had, there was even applause from the pool below their room. So glad no one there knew them.  
  
Now there was this. What had happened to them so quickly? What had he done wrong? Was he too attentive? Not attentive enough? Too neat freaky? Had he asked Dean to fix his car one too many times? Something he wore? His cologne? What was it? Did Dean just not want him anymore?  
  
Twelve years and eleven months without marriage should have told him something.  
  
At the four year mark, Cas had tried to ask Dean. He had planned a romantic beachside vacation for the two of them and bought a ring he was sure Dean would love. But the night he was going to ask, with the moon full and shining brightly above them, stars dotting the inky sky, Dean had stopped him as Cas had taken his knee and brought the gray box out of his pocket. Dean loved him, he had said, but he wasn’t ready. He hadn’t told his parents about being bi-sexual yet and it was important to him that John and Mary knew. Cas understood that, of _course_ he understood that. Just because he didn't have parents to come out to didn't mean that he didn't get the desire to wait. They were still fairly young at twenty-three, there was plenty of time to prepare better. They had the rest of their lives. Dean promised when everything was right he would be the one to ask and he would make it almost as special as the night Cas had made for him. After that refusal, they spent the night dancing under the same stars he had almost proposed beneath and making love on the sand as the sun rose.  
  
“Cassie!”  
  
Cas grabbed his chest as he jumped and turned to find his brother standing just inside the room. “Jesus Christ, you scared the crap out of me, Gabriel.”  
  
  
He moved from the window sill to retrieve the phone he had dropped and looked down at the screen, pressing some buttons. “I think it’s broken. I think I broke it.” Gabriel crossed the room and took the phone from Cas, pushed the back on tighter and hit the power button, which immediately lit the screen up. “I think you need to upgrade,” Gabriel turned the phone over in his hands. A small silver flip phone buzzed to life there. “Cavemen wouldn't have even used this shit. I haven’t seen one of these since - ever. What the hell kind of phone is this?” Cas snatched it, and flipped it open, making sure everything was still there.  
  
“Cavemen didn't have cell phones. It works fine for what I need it for, I don't keep my life in it like everybody else does. It’s just a phone.” Cas took his seat again and looked down at the street below them. “Did you want something, Gabriel?”  
  
“Yeah, actually. I left the bar in the - God I hope - capable hands of my staff tonight and giving you the pleasure of my company. Wanted to know what kind of food we want to put on the misery buffet tonight.”  
  
Cas gave a small smile and turned back to the window. “I made some spaghetti and meatballs for your dinner earlier when normal people have dinner. Garlic bread is in the oven, salad is in the fridge.”  
  
“Yeah,that. I ate it,” Gabe started, shrugging as Cas turned back to him, wide-eyed.  
  
“All of it?”  
  
“There’s some salad in the fridge?” He smiled at Cas sheepishly and made the familiar sign for weed -thumb and forefinger together on his lips. “Look, I smoked a little while ago and the food smell was killing me in my sleep. I was hungry. So.. I’m buying. We'll get bad for you take out, ice cream and candy. Cookies. Maybe some cheesecake. And we’ll order something on pay-per-view. Hang out. Eat. Talk.”  
  
“Go into a diabetic coma," Cas deadpanned, rolling his eyes. "I’m not hungry, Gabe. I’m waiting for a call and then I’m turning in. I have work early and -”  
  
Cas heard the car long before he saw it, Gabriel heard it too and joined Cas to watch as the black Impala idled noisily at the red light just outside of the building. They watched silently together until it drove out of sight and out of earshot.  
  
“So he’s back.”  
  
“Yeah. I’m waiting for him to call so I can go home and put this crap behind us. Maybe get counseling or something. It won’t take long.”  
  
Gabriel frowned at Cas, unwilling to point out that Dean hadn’t called in nearly a week, had avoided his calls and texts, and most telling, had left and driven a few states away without saying a word to Cas or telling him that he was leaving.  
  
“Yeah, well. I’m gonna go get dressed and I’ll check back in with you before I do anything.”  
  
Castiel nodded at him, but his eyes never left the road below.  
  
At a little after 10 Cas’ phone rang and he jumped up as he flipped it open to answer it, not bothering to look at the screen. Gabriel quickly appeared in the doorway with his shirt still unbuttoned and looking at his brother almost hopefully, but the way Castiel’s face fell told Gabe that it wasn’t Dean on the other end. Cas murmured brief replies into the phone for a couple of minutes then threw the closed phone on the bed and plopped down next to it. He looked dejected, even from the back.  
  
“Want me to kick his ass?”  
  
“Um, Anna?”  
  
“Fuckface. Dean.”  
  
“Gabriel, really.”  
  
“He broke pool sticks in my bar. And a mirror. And a few chairs. My brother.”  
  
Cas just sighed and scrubbed a hand over his eye. He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to let Gabriel see it. “He bought you new chairs. We’re working on saving up for the rest. Bar fights happen, Gabriel. It’s part of owning a bar.”  
  
Gabriel heard the cracks in his brother’s voice and felt his anger at Dean rise, but the way Castiel had even started off defending him, he knew that talking to him right now wasn’t going to help him, so he wouldn't, not yet, but he didn't know what else to do.  
  
“It’s not even about - forget that stuff, The mirror was ugly anyway. I just -” Gabriel took a pause and sat down at the foot of the bed. “Isn’t Anna your boss? What did she want calling this late? Is that even normal?”  
  
“We’re kind of friends outside of the office. She just wanted to tell me that she was putting me on one of her cases. I have to see him when I normally take my lunch tomorrow.”  
  
Gabriel opened his mouth to make a smart remark about how she was working him at crazy, long hours anyway and this was insane, but Castiel held up a hand to cut him off. “It’s fine, Gabe. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about my personal life.”  
  
After a few minutes Castiel literally forced Gabriel out of his room, swearing he had a headache and he needed to sleep it off for the long day he had coming tomorrow. When he was finally alone Cas started to ready himself for bed, but he got as far as removing his shirt - Dean’s t-shirt - before he broke. The faint scent of Dean’s cologne hit him as the shirt slipped over his head. For a split second he was sure that he had imagined it, but the scent was caught in his nose and it was all consuming. The strength he’d had for days, the hope he had held on to for days, finally gave. Shoulders slumped and his face buried in the shirt, he slipped to the floor curled in on himself and started to cry.


	4. Breakeven

_What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?_  
_And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?_  
_I'm falling to pieces_  
The Script- Breakeven

Dean had taken his lunch later than he normally did that day. Truthfully, he ‘grazed’ on all the sweet stuff in the breakroom most of the morning until he took off at noon and got a burger and drove around while eating, maybe going back to work, maybe not. The boss could do things like that, and he was finally the boss. In the past he had would see Cas when he had his one o’clock lunch hour, split some fries and have hurried kisses in the front seat of Dean's car with the promise of more when they were at home and in private.

Not today though, today he was seeing -  


“I was thinking that maybe you and I should see each other exclusively,” Anna purred in Dean’s ear, pulling him from his thoughts and nearly sitting in his lap. “Just each other.” Dean blinked at her and scooted just a little bit away from her, partially to keep her from jumping his bones right there in the bar, mostly because - what? He wasn’t even out of his original relationship and she was already planning their wedding. So to speak.

Dean knew she was a little nutty, but God he really hoped she wasn’t a freaky Glenn Close type.

Anna sat straighter than she had been and held her wine glass up to her lips. “I thought last night that we were thinking the same thing. You and me -” Dean held up a hand to cut her off, not letting her finish the thought. “I didn’t say that. I mean, I still have to talk to Cas and figure out what’s what with us. He pretty much moved out while I was at Sam’s.” Being a coward. Avoiding confrontation. Looking into those big blue eyes and telling him he wanted to separate. Maybe break up.

Dean just wanted some time and some space. He needed to figure things out for himself, whether he wanted to be in the relationship and as settled as his life was. If it was a guy he wanted to spend the rest of his life with; there was a time when he had been all about women, strictly women, but there had always been a part of himself that he stomped on and pushed back that checked out the guy at the car wash. The new mechanic at his dad’s shop.  
  
Dean had never admitted any of that until he had met Cas at his friend’s Fourth of July BBQ and sparks literally flew. He wasn't sure what it had been about Castiel that had him hooked from the start; his brilliant, unnaturally blue eyes, dark wavy hair or those full, pink lips that begged to be kissed properly, or if it was just every single thing about the way he looked, but there had been no prying Dean away that night.  
  
One minute he was eating a burger and talking to the most gorgeous guy he'd ever laid eyes on about the mad cow disease he was probably devouring in his burger and how delicious it was, and the next thing Dean knew they were making out in the backseat of his car.

He had jumped into this thing with Cas so fast, so deep and so long ago that it had just become as natural as breathing. Like a habit. It had all felt so right for so many years, and then just one day it didn’t. He couldn’t explain it, and he didn’t want to leave Cas then. So he had just stayed. He’d stayed and stayed until he just didn't feel like he was ever going to get away. And Anna, sweet Anna had been right there to pick him up. She made him laugh, she listened to his problems. She didn’t try to come up with solutions or fixes. She didn’t bug him about taking out the trash or fixing the thermostat on her car. She was just there for him when he needed it.  
  
It was easy and fun with her, he really enjoyed the sex, and that’s what he missed. No strings. Just a minute to be him. Just a little bit of peace.

“You didn’t even ask me about any of that, what happened with Cas,” Dean thought for a second. “Has he said anything about it at work?”

Anna shrugged one petite shoulder and took another sip from her glass. “Not much. He said that he was moving in with his brother and might need a few days in a week or so to move his furniture. He seemed - happy. It was weird. I don’t know how to respond to things he says like that yet, so I just told him it was fine and excused myself.” She unfolded her napkin and put it in her lap, lying to Dean so easily already. Cas looked tired, he looked miserable and at work today he had barely spoken to her before he had to leave to start what was going to be a long Monday out of the office for him. “But I did hear him planning a dinner or something with a few coworkers for the weekend this morning.”

Dean didn’t let the shock he felt show, however, Anna hid her smile behind a bite of her salad at the tension she felt enter Dean where her arm was resting against his. Dean felt - he didn't even know what he felt. They were in the middle of - whatever this was - and Cas was going out like nothing else was going on in his life? Did he even - was he doing Cas a favor with this? Was a break something they both needed? Was he really that easy to get over? Yeah, no. He was being childish, he needed to call Cas. They spent thirteen years of their life together, he needed to stop being an ass and call.

“I’m gonna - I gotta go.” Dean stood and threw some cash on the table for the food they ordered that hadn’t even come yet. Anna started to protest him leaving the bar in the middle of their lunch, but swallowed it down and instead stood up and grabbed Dean’s face to kiss him. “Don’t forget, we’re seeing a movie tonight so I’ll be over around six.”

“Yeah, sure,” Dean said, with a wave as he headed for the exit, his mind wasn't really on that right now. “I’ll see you later.”

Dean hadn’t even made it to his car before he was dialing Cas’ phone and listening to a recording when it went to voicemail.  
  


***

Cas nearly yelped in terror when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Currently, he was doing a home visit as part of the application process for one of the hopeful foster parents that Anna was doing a background check on, and more importantly and the reason he wasn't reaching into his jacket pocket, he had a four-foot Ball Python slithering around his shoulders and probably plotting his death by heart failure. Answering his personal phone wasn’t an option at the moment; it was all he could do to breathe normally, stand still and not run, hoping it fell off of him and didn't cling as he noped the hell out of there.

He didn’t ‘do’ snakes. Nope. They had _no legs or arms_ and they could still climb and still chase you, and even the ones without venom like this one, could probably still kill you. He wasn’t really up for death or a panic attack today, but he was getting close the closer the snake got to his neck. Wrapping around it and squeezing. Jesus Christ. He couldn't even remember if it was a python that did that, normally he was a walking encyclopedia of everything, but apparently not when he was panicked.  
  
He was going to faint  


“I’m sure she’s extremely friendly Mrs. Rhodes, she’s -” _Fucking terrifying_. Cas motioned for Mrs. Rhodes to take her snake back, and when she did he couldn’t help but shiver and take a few steps back as he picked up his papers from the floor. “Yes, like I said, very friendly, but I’m not sure what the guidelines are for an exotic pet. I’ll look into it when I get back to the office and I’ll let you know.” Castiel wanted to leave before she pulled out another reptile, he really couldn't take it, however, she wasn't letting him out of there easily. About two hundred questions and a tarantula later, he was finally free.

The missed call was all but forgotten until Cas was putting his stuff in his car to go home. It had been a long day; he’d had to be in court twice at different times, though one was to witness an adoption of one of their kids and that was always a positive, a ton of paperwork and that one, highly traumatic experience at the Rhodes’. All he wanted to do now was to go home, sink into a hot bath, try not to drown himself in the bathtub, and go to bed.  
  
Traffic was terrible as usual, but luckily his exit was coming up in a second and he’d be on his way to another tearfest and sleepless night in no time. He always felt a little smug when he exited so early on in the game and left the lines of cars sitting on the interstate, but, as his luck would have it, the exit he normally took was backed up for at least a mile. If one thing went right today, Gabriel would be too busy to keep him on the phone when he called to let him know he’d be stopping by for his keys and he wouldn't have fifty stories about his regulars from that afternoon. He pulled out his phone to make the call as he sat still on the road and saw that there was a missed call from Dean.

***

For just a split second it felt like the hot water from the shower carried all of his troubles away with it as it cascaded over him. Dean’s life was becoming a complete mess. Ash had dropped a hood on Benny’s hand and fractured the damn thing in three places earlier. Dad was threatening to come back to the shop after Dean’s weeklong lack of attention. Cas was moving on and making plans with another dude, he knew it had to be a damn dude, after a week, Anna was - might have wanted something different than he wanted and misconstrued the whole thing. Yeah, he knew she was a little crazy, but damn if that crazy wasn’t hot. He didn’t know what to do about any of it - well, except the hood on Benny’s hand, they’d already taken care of that. But the rest?  
  
For once in his life, Dean didn't know what his next move should be.

He didn’t hear his phone as it rang on his dresser, although Anna did and picked up the cell to tell him and let him know she was there. “Dean,” she called out, looking down at the ringing phone as she moved closer to the cracked bathroom door, but when she saw who was calling she decided not to relay the information and instead walked back to the bedroom, erasing the call from ‘Blue Eyes’ as she started perusing through Dean’s hanging clothes to choose something for him to wear out tonight  
  
Not that he asked her to, he’d been dressing himself since he was six years old .  
  
Cas wasn’t going to play phone tag with Dean for days. Them not talking had been drawn out long enough, he had given Dean time, and him calling meant that, in his mind, that he was ready to talk to Castiel, work out their problems or at least start to. At least Dean finally had the courage to call him. That was a start. So Cas was going to put in some effort too and stop by their house.  
  
Dean might be there and they could talk or - anything. He wasn’t going to push him, he’d leave if Dean asked him to. The weakest part of him that would fly right into Dean’s arms if he opened them, just needed to see his face. He loved him. He missed him. What was wrong with that?  
  
Anna pulled her red hair out of the ponytail and tousled it as she looked at herself in the full-length mirror next to the bedroom closet. Her slight form was drowning in Dean’s work shirt, but dark blue suited her and made her hazel eyes look nearly green. Unbuttoning one button, and then a couple more until she was satisfied with the cleavage tease she was giving and her overall ‘sex kitten’ look, she walked over to the bed ready to climb on and pose herself seductively. The distant sound of a car door nearby slamming and footsteps walking over the gravel in front of the house stopped her, and she looked out of the window across from the bed.  
  
“Dean?” Cas called out as he opened the front door, toeing off his shoes at the doorway out of a four-year-old habit. A glance around towards the living room and into the kitchen told him that Dean wasn’t in either room or the dining room on his other side. It wasn't really shocking that nothing had changed in the two days he'd been gone - he missed the sanctuary and familiarity of his own house of course - but he was a little surprised that Dean wasn’t sprawled on the couch sipping on a beer waiting for Cas to come home and make dinner.  
  
Dean had been banned from the kitchen forever after he set the thing on fire. Seriously. He’d been trying to surprise Cas by making a romantic dinner a few years ago and the grease from the bacon he was frying (yes, bacon cheeseburgers were on the menu that night) was left on a lit burner and, well, in the end nearly burned the kitchen down. It was horrible and took a large chunk out of their savings, but everything turned out okay.  
  
They could even joke about it a little bit a few weeks later: hanging in the kitchen above the stove is a framed piece of the wallpaper that was there before the incident showing where the flames traveled upwards and left scorch marks, signed and dated by Dean, the _artiste_.  
  
The now clear sound of the running shower drew Cas back into the present and sent him slowly up the staircase to their bedroom. Should he join him in the shower, maybe? That would be presumptive. They hadn’t had sex in weeks before Dean had left, they had both been busy and tired he thought, but looking back now maybe it was something more. No, he'd just knock on the bathroom door and let Dean know he was here to talk if he wanted and wait in the living room for him. But his hands all over that wet, muscled chest, kissing at the patches of freckles that dotted over him - was tempting. God he was horny.  
  
He froze as he pushed their bedroom door, his eyes falling immediately on the scantily clad redhead laying across the bed he shared with Dean. “Anna?” Cas said, knowing who it was he was looking at but asking the question all the same. His heart was in his feet and his mouth stood open, the ghost of the last syllable of her name hanging between them. “Oh God,” she said, a look of worry crossing her pretty features as she walked over near him. “This isn’t how you were -” It was about then that Cas stopped listening to everything except that loud pulsing noise that he was sure she could hear too. He just looked at her, not in horror or disbelief, but with a sadness that was quickly becoming tangible and starting to take over his limbs.  
  
Dean heard the muffled voices through the sound of the water and turned it off, dashing from the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist when he realized the male voice belonged to Cas and e female voice was Anna's. "Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck." All he did was step through the bathroom door, leftover steam billowing out behind him, and Cas took one look at him, hurt lining his face as he turned on his heel and walked quickly from the room. Dean was hot on his heels, though he only caught him when they were outside.  
  
“Cas. Cas, wait. It’s not - I don’t even - I didn't even know she was here yet. She must have come in while I was in the shower, but it wasn't what it looked like.” Why the hell was Anna wearing his shirt? Did she really think she was getting lucky in the house he shared with Cas?  
  
“Are you sleeping with her? I mean - it’s - she’s wearing your work shirt. She was in _our_ bed, covered with sheets that I picked - did you have sex with her in _our_ bed?” Cas finally turned around to face Dean, face screwed up a bit as if realization was just tapping him around the cheeks. He was so worked up that he was barely even giving Dean a chance to respond. “This is why, isn’t it? This is why you couldn’t face me. Why you left.”  
  
“No - yes. I don’t even know how it happened, but honestly, it could have been anyone. I was just - I was falling fast and hard and I wanted -" Dean didn't even know how to say it. Ask him about a car's make and model and the history behind it or why the engine was making that weird wheezing sound, and he could tell you. He could go on for days about it. But this? His feelings? You might as well put the Hodge Conjecture down in front of him and expect him to solve it. "I just want a break, Cas. From this. From us. I want to think. I need to know for myself if this life was just a phase or if fate has somethng else in store for me.."  
  
"And it took you over a decade to decide that I might be a phase? So - instead of telling me, or going to a hotel - because all of this was you - you cheat, with my boss, and run away from everything here for a week. You're ridiculous. I - I -can't even begin to imagine what kind of early middle age crisis you're having. "  
  
Castiel couldn't be hurt. He was too mad to be a hurt little wilting flower, at least in front of Dean and now Anna. His mouth snapped closed when she exited the house, thankfully now dressed in her own clothes. " Screw it. Screw this, screw her.. screw _them_. "You're thirty-one years old. We were together for almost thirteen years. We bought a house together, we were talking about kids just a month ago. If you didn't want me anymore, you should have told me then."  
  
Castiel searched Dean's face, Dean who remained silent while he watched Cas bite his bottom lip, gripping at the towel around his waist to refrain from trying to wipe the hurt etched on Cas' face. As much as he wanted to, the way Cas was looking at them right now he was sure he would get punched for the effort, and damn if he didn't deserve it. "I wouldn't have had a 'chick flick' moment, I know you can't abide tears. But I had a right to know that you decided to change my entire life." He threw Anna a disgusted look and shook his head. "Grow up, Dean." And with that, Cast turned, got in his car and drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is just going to be the aftermath of that little scene, but it's going to be separate because I didn't want that chapter to go on forever. Anyway, no beta, so I'm missing all the small things no matter how many times I read and edit. Sorry.


	5. Do What You Have To Do

_I know I can't be with you_  
_I do what I have to do_  
_and I have sense to recognize but_  
_I don't know how to let you go_  
Sarah McLachlan- Do What You Have To Do

  


“Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny. My life is a wreck; my boss - my _female_ boss is screwing my lover. The man I’ve been with for almost thirteen years and I _thought_ I knew is a liar and a _cheater_ and he acts like he isn't bothered by what he did to me. He’s just enjoying his new life and his new _girlfriend_ and his new bachelor pad - the house that _I_ decorated and spent hours of _my_ life renovating by myself because he could never find time in his busy work schedule to be around to do anything.”

Castiel slammed down another shot of an amber colored liquid and refilled the glass. He was getting drunk, fast, and he was in the perfect place to do it. Behind the bar at Gabriel’s he had access to a hundred bottles of alcohol and the way he felt right now, so disgusted and angry and hurt he swore to God that he would drink them all. He took another shot and started talking with his hands and the shot glass, mostly gesturing at himself. “She’s having sex with him in my bed, in my house, and I’m going to have to quit my freaking job over this. Stop smiling, Gabriel.”

“You wanna know why I’m laughing?” Gabriel wasn’t even bothering to hide his smile, as unamused and as free of mirth as it was. He was furious, absolutely, every inch of his 5’6 body felt his fury, but he was like a sweet old dog, friendly and cuddly until he just has enough of your shit and he bites. “No,” Cas muttered as he slammed back another shot, and Gabriel continued as though he hadn’t even heard him, though he did take the bottle of rum from Cas and replace it with a bottle of water he got from the mini fridge.

“I’m laughing because one, you said lover and - romance novel - and two, you’re here with me instead of at your house burning his shit on the lawn using her hair as the fire starter.” He could see the pain etched in every face that Castiel made and every single line he saw only served to piss him off at Dean that much more. “Just give the word, baby bro. Me and Lu will go over there and fuck their shit up. Right, Lucifer?” Gabriel looked down at the far end of the bar to their other brother reading the newspaper and drinking bottled beer.

“Yep,” he said without even looking up, turning the page of his paper. “Always up for tearing a Winchester a new one.” Gabriel pointed over his shoulder at Lucifer. “Full of rage, that one. Still mad about that whole Sam thing a few years ago.” Lucifer did look up this time. “He locked me in a cage, Gabriel. Overnight. I had to stay there until Cassie showed up with a key the next morning and let me out.” Gabriel rolled his eyes at the blond man. “Tale as old as time, Lu. It’s unhealthy to dwell on it.”

Cas knew his brothers wouldn’t hurt Dean (or Sam, for that matter), but his stuff was a different story. They were all very overprotective of their baby brother - him - as hard-ass as they tried to act Lucifer, Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel always had his back. It started when he was just a little boy and adopted into the Novak family; he was a small, skinny scared little thing and every one of them had taken him under their wings and protected him. The four boys had already been there for a while, Lucifer and Michael - the twins - were the oldest and had been there the longest, nearly teenagers by the time five-year-old Castiel came around.

As the oldest, the two of them assumed responsibility for the rearing of the younger boys. Where Lucifer was silly and playful - the one to slip the younger boys candy, get them to pull harmless pranks on neighborhood kids, gave them their first sip of wine, their first drag of a cigarette... a bit naughty and rebellious - Michael was serious, strict and the one that you never wanted to disappoint. He made sure the younger boys had their baths and brushed their teeth, ate their vegetables and did their schoolwork. Punishments and chores were doled out by him, along with rewards and praise for things done well.

Between the two of them, things were well balanced though, they were the perfect team, and for the first time in his young life Castiel felt like he had parents, even if they were just a few years older than him.

And then there was Raphael. Raphael was the one that would make you skin your knee doing something dumb on one of his dares and then bandage it and make everything all better with kisses and hugs and words of adoration. He was moody though and seemed, at times, like he had a dual personality; one minute he loved you, doted all over you and the next he could barely stand to look at you. It was a test to grow up around him, but it wasn't ever anything that turned any of them away from Raphael. Castiel found out later that Raphael had come from an abusive home and had suffered under the hands of the foster families that he had been in before the Novak’s had taken him in. Time and love and years of therapy that helped him accept and embrace that he identified as a female improved Raphael’s behavior a lot, but even now she still had her moments. 

Finally, there was Gabriel. He had only been in the Novak home for eight months before Castiel came but he had already made his mark. Big time. He was the hellion of the group, the one who never did as he was told, in trouble daily, sometimes multiple times daily, and his sense of humor was sometimes - dark. But out of them all, Gabriel was the one that Cas had clung to the most. He was only a year older than Castiel, and the two of them had immediately taken to one another and had become fast friends, best friends, and brothers. Gabriel never talked about where he had been before the Novak home, but Cas remembered the little boy's nightmares, the ones that lasted well into his teens and woke him up sweating and in tears some nights. And he remembered the scars that colored Gabe's skinny back. Even then he knew it had to have been bad.

The Novak’s weren’t very doting on the boys, not like a parent should be, but they made sure they were clothed, fed, had their own warm beds and everything they would need when they were growing up. And most importantly, they felt that they were loved and wanted, they weren’t abused or mistreated anymore. They saved them, the five of them, and that alone earned them the titles of mom and dad. But they were very Catholic. Very, very Catholic. They didn’t shove religion down the boys throats, but there were crucifixes hanging in every room, bibles in their bedrooms, and grace was said at every meal. And there was the small matter of their names.

Cas thinks he was Jimmy before he became an angel.

Who calls their kid Lucifer anyway? That’s just asking for trouble.

“Earth to Cassie, where are you,” Gabriel was snapping his fingers in Cas’ face and waving his hand, it was the breeze he felt that pulled him out of his head though, not the noise. Lucifer had moved behind the bar and was sitting with them, drinking now from a bottle of orange soda that was kept behind the bar just for him. “I know I should have pushed the issue and tried harder to make Dean leave,” Cas said. “but guys, I really don’t want to be there. All I would see on everything was the two of them - just no. I can’t.”

Ever so helpful Lucifer already had the bottle of rum back out and was pouring Castiel a shot. “Look, Gabriel and I will go over there and get whatever clothes and personal things you want, you don’t have to go in. You don’t even have to go. And if Dean happens to run into my fist a few times or if the ho gets sugar in her gas tank, well then, things happen.” Cas took his shot and put his hands on Lucifer’s shoulders, giving him as serious of a look as a wide-eyed drunk can. “Dean is too pretty to get punched. But the sugar in the ho's gas tank? That idea has merit.”

***

Sam furrowed his brow as he looked at his brother - or what had been his brother when the video call had started but had slowly morphed into this blanketed thing showing him a hand holding about a quarter of a bottle of whiskey and a single green eye that he was almost sure belonged to Dean. “Stop singing Dean, I’m positive Bon Jovi wouldn’t appreciate it, and it’s muffled anyway. I’ve been listening to you horribly serenade me for a half hour, and I know something’s wrong. So talk.” He scooted a bit as he spoke so that Jess could join him on the couch and peer curiously at the Dean/blanket hybrid thing on their screen.

“Is he drunk?” Jess asked Sam in a low whisper. Sam didn’t have a chance to respond before Dean answered for him, words a little slurred. “He is not drunk. He’s sad. Cas left me.” The revelation wrought surprised faces from both and they looked at each other and back a Dean, who now had the blanket pulled down around his shoulders and was taking a deep drink from the bottle. “What did you do?” Jess blurted out before she could stop herself. “Jess,” Sam hissed glancing back at her. “Well Cas wasn’t planning on being gone long when we talked _yesterday_ , so Dean had to do something else to make him really leave. Did he really leave? Have you even talked to him?”

Dean opened his mouth and words just tumbled out in a torrent. “I cheated. Been cheating. Cas came here today and Anna was here too, Anna’s the other -the side piece - I was in the shower and I didn’t know either of them were here but - fuck. By the time I realized what was going on he had already seen her.” Sam had his face in his hand, like that would somehow change what he was hearing. “And then what? They saw each other and what happened? Were they arguing? I mean - what?”

Dean had stopped talking and didn’t answer Sam like he was trying to collect himself and his thoughts, pull himself together but the alcohol was making it hard to do anything that seemed normal. Finally, Dean shrugged, “When Cas saw me, he bolted. I chased him outside and I - I told him what I was thinking. That I wanted a break to think, and he told me off. Told me to grow up. Anna came out, thankfully not wearing my work shirt anymore - yeah, she thought I’d find it hot to find her in my shirt and nothing else, and that’s how Cas found her. Wearing that and lounging in our bed.”

“Dean!” Jess couldn’t hold it back anymore, she had tried while she was listening, but she couldn’t just let Dean spiral out of control like this and say nothing to him. He was only her brother by marriage, but she loved him like they were blood. “You deserved to be told off. You wanting to break up with him came out of left field, even to us, but her there, like that, that was - even if you weren’t aware, she still felt like she could do it. He's right. Grow up, Dean. You’re old. You have a mortgage and a business, you _had_ a longterm relationship. The years of sowing your oats should be over, you should feel more settled than you do.”

“Hey, Jess? Never work on a suicide hotline. Ever.” Dean brushed his hair back. “I didn’t mean for it to happen like that. I called him earlier to talk but - it all just got screwed up and out of control. Cas is gone, I made Anna go home. And hey, hey hey hey Jessica, your buddy Cas is making dinner plans and shit with other dudes, so I’m not the only one that could be getting some on the side.” As he finished talking the bottle he was holding went flying, splattering but not shattering on the floor nearest the kitchen.  
  
Sam had been mostly quiet, watching Dean and every move he was making on the camera, watching every face he made. And when the bottle went flying, Sam knew that Dean needed him.

Not that he would ever say it of course, but he knew. He had been with Dean his entire life, and he could almost imagine that little blond kid that would always stick up for him with their dad when he complained that he read too much, the Dean he had looked up to and who had been a prime example of what a man should be. Dean wasn't like this, he was always sure and always knew what path to take. He was just - messed up right now, lost, and he needed help to find his way again.

Sam and Jess were talking low to each other and laptop keys were still clicking. “Dean,” Sam said, still typing something on the laptop. “I’m gonna take a few days and come to hang out with you.” Sam was sure that it took more strength than he possessed to get Cas back with Dean, that wasn't his purpose, he felt that regardless of what his brother said that he should go. There were Benny and Uncle Bobby and the rest of his friends in Lawrence, but Sam also knew they all belonged to the caveman club and if Dean wanted to talk, he couldn’t really talk to them.

“Please, I just got rid of you yesterday. You don’t have to do that. Stay, work, grade papers. You enjoy that shit.”

“Dean, it’s summer. School’s out and I can tutor when I get back, it’s not a big deal. And besides, we haven’t had brother time alone in years. This could be good for us.”

“Sammy -,”

“Flights already booked. I’m leaving in the A.M. We can have breakfast or something when I get there. Jess is packing a bag for me as we speak, so, it’s settled.”

Despite the verbal protests that he continued to give, Dean was actually pleased that Sam was coming there tomorrow. He was messing up and going about things badly, but he really wasn’t sure how to make everybody else happy while trying to be happy himself. It even sounded like his own family was against him; of course they would be, everyone expected him to go their way and roll over when it came to anything that would put him or his desires first, but at least now the cat was out of the bag with Sam, he could help him get his shit together. Maybe he could tell him what to do.

Dean opened his mouth to say something else as Jess sat back down when he heard a key in the lock of their front door that everyone heard and assumed was Castiel coming to talk. Sam almost hit the end button to hang up and give them privacy, but the second he saw the tall blond and the much shorter man enter, he stopped what he was doing and watched Dean. The Novak brothers looked genuinely surprised to see him there. “What the hell are you doing?” Dean asked, standing, but was silenced by the entrance of a third man with an empty duffel bag.

Castiel stopped in the open doorway when he saw Dean, eyes taking in his current state of appearance and his heart going out to him just a little bit at how torn up he seemed. “I’m just getting some clothes and some other stuff I need. I really thought you were gone, your car isn’t here and you didn’t answer your phone and -” Cas pointed over his shoulder at the open door behind him a confused look on his face. “Where _is_ your car?”

The words struck Sam and Jess instantly, both were still staring at the parts of the scene they could see. Suddenly the screen was turned and a handsome face appeared. “Helloo gorgeous,” Gabriel said with a wink and a smile. “And Jess, you too.” Dean turned his head at the sound of laughter and gave Gabriel _a look_ that made him make an unfriendly gesture with his hand and get back up with the laptop bitching to the pair about Dean. The fact that his car was gone hadn’t quite made it home with him just yet, and he was focused on Cas being there and no Anna lurking behind him nearly naked.

“We need to talk, Cas. Really talk.”

“Upstairs,” Cas looked at his brother Lucifer who was standing in the living room with his arms folded, looking all mean and intimidating. If the situation hadn’t been so serious to him the still tipsy part of Cas would have laughed at how Lucifer looked like he was ready to wrestle an apology out of Dean. “I can pack while we talk.”

***

Silence enveloped the bedroom as Dean closed the door behind them, taking Castiel's’ bag from him and dropping it next to the dresser. They stood face to face for a few seconds, just staring at each other, neither of them saying a word but completely fixed to the spot. Until, that is, Cas broke the spell and looked away, glancing around for his bag and Dean took a step to move in front of him.

“What did you want to say, Dean? Is there anything that you can say to make this better or to make me feel better? Are you going to say that I dreamed this last week and her today? Or did you bring me up here to tell me that she’s pregnant and you’re getting married?” It had taken him a few days, but Cas was slowly coming to realize that Dean got some sort of twisted pleasure out of hurting him, making him feel bad and he couldn’t for the life of him understand why. He had never done anything to deserve this, Dean had always come first, he always thought of Dean before himself and he had thought that Dean had done the same when it came to him.

“Cas - no, that’s not what I wanted to say. This isn’t what I wanted - not exactly. The past few months have just been hard for me and it was just something I didn’t feel like I could share with you. I tried to work what I was feeling out for myself but I couldn’t.”

“You know you could have come to me. If you were feeling - I wouldn’t have judged you. You could -”

“I don’t want kids, Cas. I know I said I did but - I don’t want to be a dad. Not yet. Maybe not ever.” He held up a hand to stop Cas from speaking whatever he had just opened his mouth to say. “When we - you brought up adoption or finding a surrogate and how maybe by next summer we could have our own little bundle… it made me start thinking about everything. It all felt so serious and so real and so permanent. Us and this house, my Dad’s business. You know I started thinking that maybe I’m not bi, maybe I’m straight and you were just a phase and then Anna happened - it just made me feel good for what I realized was the first time in a long time. I just-” Dean’s words trailed off when he finally took a breath and saw that Cas’ eyes were wet and gleaming.

“Cas, I didn’t mean -”

“There’s no way you can fix that, Dean, don’t even try.” Cas folded his arms over his chest, clearing his throat as he thought quietly for a moment. “You started feeling - or admitting to yourself that you were feeling - like this when we had our very first conversation about adopting. You sounded excited, Dean. More excited about the idea than I was. I wish that you would have just said - well, no. That wouldn’t have made a difference because I was probably just a decade-long phase you were going through. So essentially what we have here is a relationship that should have ended before it really started.”

Cas paused and cleared his throat again. “You completely used me for all these years because - why? You couldn’t find someone else? You were scared of women?.” He turned around, away from Dean because he just couldn’t look at him anymore. “I won't fight it, Dean. Not - But there are things that we're tied to together." Castiel didn't know how to handle this, not when he felt like he was slowly burning to a cinder inside. He'd be damned if he would cry in front of Dean. A phase. _A phase_."We have a mortgage and a bank loan. We’re still paying for the roof. You own half of my car. Thankfully we didn’t adopt or get a pet, so we don’t have to worry about who gets custody.”

Anna’s body print was still on their unmade bed, his pillow, on their comforter, the scent of her cheap perfume mixed with Dean’s clean body smell lingered there, or maybe he imagined it, but it was enough to have him suddenly stripping down the bed and pulling fresh sheets out of the dresser. Cas made sure to get the floral prints that he knew that Dean hated and he never used even though he personally enjoyed florals on occasion.

For several minutes the only sound that could be heard were Cas’ soft grunts as he finished removing the Anna contaminated sheets, opening the window and throwing them out when he was done. He started to flip the mattress over and Dean didn’t know what he was supposed to do, he hadn’t expected that, and when he moved forward to help with the bed Cas yelled at him to get away, so he did. "I don't even want to look at you, I wish you would just get out of this room while I'm in here.

“Cas - listen, I miss you. I miss my friend. This went badly. I keep saying the wrong things that sound okay in my head until they make it to my mouth. I don’t want things to be bad between us, I can't - and you weren’t a phase. I was just having a - questioning everything.”

“Shut up, Dean. Just shut up. Do you think I want to hear it now after what you said? Twelve years Dean, twelve years and I was just a - nothing to you. I don’t want to listen to you trying to backtrack over everything you just said. I can’t. I - I - the other stuff we can figure out with a lawyer in a few days, I'll call Michael or you can call whoever. Tomorrow. Next week. I don't care. I’m going to be at Gabriel’s if -.”

Cas was walking around grabbing clothes in drawers and a few other little items from his nightstand and shoving them without looking into his bag. He was in a huge rush now, he just wanted to get the hell out of there and be by himself. Dean didn’t try to stop him, but watched him, frowning at every move he made feeling his heart breaking more and more with every item that went into the bag.

Finally, when he had what he thought he might need, Cas walked past Dean and out of the room, stopping in the hallway. “Do you feel better now?” Cas asked. Dean didn’t move to say anything, but Gabriel’s voice drifted up the stairs. “Hey, asshole. Somebody just drove up in your Impala.”

Dean blinked at Cas for a minute, trying to think of any word that would help but it seemed to him that when he opened his mouth he inserted foot and got himself into things deeper than he had before. Then it finally hit him, and Gabriel's words sunk into his brain. “My car was gone? Who had my car?” Everything seemed to be forgotten as Dean ran towards the stairs and seemed to slide down them in a race to get outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing Lucifer as a Novak and a protective big brother. I actually loved making all of the archangels Novak's, so you'll probably meet the other two later on. 
> 
> I hope everyone is enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it!


	6. Rise Above This

_Hate your mind_  
_Regrets are better left unspoken_  
Seether- Rise Above This

 

Castiel couldn’t believe what had just happened.

Yes, he had seen it, he wasn’t that drunk anymore he didn’t think - Lucifer’s A+, expert, kill them all, psycho driving had taken care of that - but he still couldn’t believe it. Dean had just ignored what he had asked him and blew right by him, bounding down the stairs to check on a car he hadn’t even realized was missing.

At least Dean hadn’t just ignored him when he had mentioned the Impala being gone because he’d let Anna drive it - it had genuinely been stolen. Who had taken was the question and one Cas wasn’t sure he cared to have answered. It wasn’t his business anymore anyway, he was just the phase.

_The phase._

Dean had said that to him two separate times today, so it must be what he really thought, but in the entire time they were together, Dean had never once seemed to question what he felt for Cas. Never. Not once.

Cas looked at the empty doorway where Dean had just been for another moment and then went down the stairs, almost bumping into Lucifer as he reached the bottom. “Bad timing, I know, but um, Jo has been asking me to get that stand up mixer thing from you when I saw you. You think we could grab it real quick?” Lucifer had already taken Cas’ bag from him and was guiding him to the kitchen and far, far away from the front door, turning his head every now and again to glance behind them.

“Uh, sure. Yeah, I won’t be making any desserts for a while anyway,” Cas blinked, trying to let his mind think of other things, things that weren’t just said to him. Things he was glad that neither of his brothers had seemed to overhear. Distraction was good. “I have a few different bowls that I bought to go with it, it’ll just take me a second to get it all together.” Cas flipped on the light in the kitchen and went about opening cabinets and retrieving several different sized bowls, grabbing up and taking a long, long drink from a bottle of light tequila they had on their counter for margaritas when he saw it.

_Screw Dean._ He took another drink. _Screw Anna._ He drank again. _Screw everything._ Drink, drink, drink. The warm and fuzzies were slowly coming back to his stomach and the soles of his feet, wrapping around him like the hopeful fingers of a lover and it made Cas stop and smile at the bottle he was holding. “Isn’t it funny how the warmth seems like it skips around like, your whole middle and goes right for the tummy and the toes?” God, he was glad he wasn’t driving.

“Yeah, Cassie, hilarious.” Lucifer stopped looking at the holiday magnets that were in a drawer and turned to Cas. “C’mon, he’s not worth the hangover hell you’ll be in tomorrow. Make yourself feel better another way. Smash his toys. He collects something, right? Take a hammer to it and don’t stop smashing until you feel a little bit better.” Cas shook his head and sat on the floor. “Nah. Make me feel worse.”

Meanwhile, Gabriel had walked outside with Dean and around the corner of the porch to a driveway devoid of anything but Lucifer’s truck, though Dean couldn’t see around it to the other side of the drive without walking around the monster vehicle that was blocking his view. “My car,” Dean held up his hands in question as he looked around them, walking to the edge of the house and making the motion detector light come on. “I thought you said my car was -” 

Dean turned around as he was talking and he was caught off-guard by one of Gabriel’s fists to his jaw and then the little spider monkey pushed him to the ground and straddled his chest. “I lied. I heard what you said to Cas,” he growled, grabbing Dean’s collar and lifting his head to hit him again, this time just as Dean's mouth opened and his teeth scraped Gabriel’s knuckles.

“For a minute I was hoping that you two would make up, but you went too far. The girl and now -” Gabriel hadn’t meant to hit him again but his anger got the better of him. Dean wasn’t even fighting back, he just laid there and took his licks with his hands fisted in Gabriel’s shirt. It was a little disappointing, but it did make things easier. The damage he did was minimal though, he just wanted to get a point across.

“You deserve worse Dean, way worse than this just for the things you said, but Cas won’t - he’s too nice for his own good. But so you understand, Cassie has three big brothers and one big sister who will all take a turn on your ass if you say shit like that to him again. Think it if you have to, but horrible things like that stay in your head and out of your mouth.”

Dean said nothing, he was still lying there holding on to Gabriel. Happy, sunny, Gabriel that no one would ever think had a side like this. They both looked in alarm at Lucifer’s truck when they heard it unlock. To his credit though, Dean didn’t utter a sound or move a muscle.

“Jesus, Lucifer, you need a ladder to get in this thing,” Cas was climbing up the side rail of the truck, hanging onto the handle inside for dear life. Maybe he was a little drunker than he thought. “It’s too funny watching a drunk Gabriel swing his short ass into the cab. Usually takes him about twenty minutes and most of it is spent with his ass on the pavement. Entertainment. Can’t get rid of the thing.”

Lucifer was glancing at the Dean and Gabe pile on the ground behind him as he watched the top of Cas’ head while he struggled to get in. After about ten seconds he shut his door and walked over to Cas’ side, lifted him by his ass and shoved him face first into the truck. As he walked back around to his side he paused long enough to scuff some dirt and rocks towards Dean and continuing on his way. He opened his door and the rich sound of Castiel’s laughter came pouring out; somehow he was stuck between the seat and the floorboard on his back and all that could be seen was his wiggling legs.

“Aw, come on Cas, you look like a damn turtle.”

The truck roared to life as Lucifer's door slammed shut and Gabriel went to get up but Dean still had his shirt gripped between his fingers. “I fucked up, okay? I don’t know how to fix it.” Dean’s lip was already starting to swell and made what he said sound muffled, and it was unclear what he meant he’d fucked up.

“Yeah, Dean-o, you did. Big time.” Gabriel tapped Dean’s cheek with his palm and stood up, seeing only Cas’ shoe and a face-palming Lucifer when he looked over at the truck as he walked away. “Tell Sam we’ll see him Saturday. And no, you’re not invited anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, loveagoodstory1


	7. Drunken Lament

_Drunk since Saturday_  
_Without you, without restraint_  
_It still stings where you stung, water swings in my lungs_  
_I’m starving for words that would ration my sadness away_  
_Tell me forever, tell me you’ll come back to stay_  
Ludo- Drunken Lament

_Saturday, June 30_

“What’s this?” Castiel asked. He held the hard bundle that Gabriel had tossed on his chest up where he could actually see it before he sat up and gave his brother a half-hearted frown when he realized it was a present. It was an iPhone present already in a baby blue case and covered in ribbons. “Yeah you needed an upgrade and it’s your birthday, ass. So, happy birthday. New number too.”

Castiel shook his head and smiled softly over at Gabriel, tossing the ribbons over at his face. Protesting would be useless and unappreciated, he knew from experience, so he accepted the pricey gift and turned it on. The screen lit up, and instead of a generic background, it was a picture of Gabriel blowing him a kiss. “Really?” Cas asked, turning the phone briefly to Gabriel who laughed. “You love it. But you’ll probably want to replace it with one of all of us together tonight at the party. I’ll understand.”

“You guys are still doing that? I figured it was off since I haven’t heard anything about it.” It was a stupid question to ask. The Novak’s never missed having a celebration for one of their birthday’s or accomplishments, not ever that he could remember. But still, he had hoped that this year he wouldn’t have to celebrate.

The party still happening meant that the two brothers that didn’t live in Lawrence were flying in from New York City and Los Angeles at some point today. He loved them, truly, Raphael and Michael were both amazing and he wouldn’t trade either of them or want them to be any different than they were, but crap.

Gabriel was now standing across the room looking at his face in Castiel’s mirror - smoothing over his eyebrows and the skin above his upper lip, glancing back at Cas every now and again. “We do it every year, Cas. And Mikey said we shouldn’t let you get out of it,” he reached for the hairbrush and slicked his hair back, only to mess it back up again. “He’s right, you know. We need to get you out of the house, and before you say it - work doesn’t count. Still, don’t know why you even go. The bitch seems like she’s enjoying your misery.”

“I need the money, that’s why,” Cas snapped. “The wealth fairy wasn’t as kind to me as she was to my siblings. So when I find something else I’ll put in my two weeks, until then I can handle it.” He picked up the phone again and let out a long sigh. He really, really disliked Anna. Really.

She flaunted - there wasn’t another word for it - her new relationship in his face. She would talk about Dean or to Dean on the phone just loud enough for him to hear; making dates, talking about them, how adorable he was, snoring on her pillow. And on Thursday, the day Cas finally lost his cool, he was dropping some of his notes off on her desk when he saw a framed picture of Dean smiling up at the camera sleepily from the hammock in their backyard, holding out his hand in an invitation to join him.

It was beautiful the way just some of the rays of the sun hit him, shadowing him in places and making his jewel green eyes appear startlingly iridescent. Cas remembered taking the picture, he also remembered framing it and putting it on the mantle of their living room.

Killing Dean was super high on his list of priorities now. How could he? To just give away something of their lives together so easily? It would have been preferable if he had just burned it, burned all of their pictures and started over.

Anna returned to her office just then with another co-worker Becky, the unofficial office gossip, and asked him what he was doing on her desk. That was the moment when Castiel lost his patience for the situation at work. Up until that moment he had kept his mouth shut and his eyes forward: arguing over any man was stupid.

He had placed the picture back on her desk and had almost walked out of her office, but something stopped him at the door and made him turn around.

“I hope you’re enjoying my leftovers, Anna, and I really hope you’re enjoying how I taste every time you go down on him.” Yes, he felt catty and like he was in the third grade, but being a petty bitch was how she was playing and he’d be damned if he could be quiet anymore.

Cas left work after that, went home and drank two bottles of wine, wrote a resignation letter and turned it in the next day. He had felt empowered at the time, empowered and hung over, but now all he felt was panic. His savings were limited and in an account he shared with Dean, so needless to say he was screwed, and not in the fun way. No one knew yet except Cas.

“I really don’t feel in the party mood. I’ve got a raging headache and I’m - I just want to lie in bed this weekend and be sad. I haven’t had a chance to sit down and mourn losing him. He is great, Gabriel.” Cas shrugged. “He was my everything. I just want to be left alone and not celebrate my birthday. Is that too much to ask?”

“ You mourn every second of every day that you’re awake, and probably even when you’re asleep. Look, Cas. We’ve left you alone all week. Every night when you’d come home from work you’d raid the wet bar and drink yourself to bed. I know you’re going to be sad and sullen and depressed about this for a while, a long while, but you should really take a night or two every now and again to break up the sadness. Do something fun and try not to think for a while, okay? Just try it.”

Gabriel sat next to Cas on his bed and bumped shoulders with him. “We have fireworks for tonight. The good ones. Those always make you smile.”

***

Anna could feel the hush around the room envelop her as she moved through the bar. The crowd wasn’t a huge one, comprised of many people she didn’t know and a few that she knew from work, but she was sure they all knew who she was.

Ignoring the shocked and nasty looks she was getting from nearly everyone in attendance only served to confirm her decision to come tonight and take one, last final jab at Castiel.

She had won after all.

Dean was hers and the man that everyone seemed to love was leaving his job. She had known three months ago that she could easily seduce Dean. He was in a relationship with a man, sure, but one night when they were all out shooting pool together she had noticed Dean checking out her ass a few times.

After that she made sure to wear the tightest and most revealing things that she owned, and clearly, Dean turned out not to be as gay as she thought.

It was a thrill to her; the hot moments in the Impala, in bathroom stalls, her office once when nobody was there - his office when people were. At first, she had only just found Dean attractive, a good lay, not long-term material. He was an asshole, put simply. But strangely it grew on her. _He_ grew on her. She liked the sarcastic, macho, jerk, and she found that it was easy to start falling for him.

She had won this war, she had Dean and she had Castiel’s job, and tonight she was going to make sure that the most important thing to him was gone forever. Honestly, she had no real reason to hurt Cas. They had been friends before this, sort of, he just rubbed her the wrong way.

Looking at him and his adorably messy black hair and hearing him talk in a voice that was so deep and so rough, but the words always so gentle and unhurried that it was so easy to want to trust him, to be his friend - it grated on her nerves.

Her feelings went from mild annoyance to hate, to whatever she was feeling now. She had a purpose here tonight. To give a gift - a tie - that she had hurriedly picked up at a department store and thrown into a gift bag on her way here, and to - if the gods were smiling on her - drop a little something into his drink to loosen him up and hopefully help him make himself look horrible in front of Dean’s brother, who was here somewhere, she knew.

And the way he was standing made dosing him too easy.

***

“I’m not that single, Balthazar. It’s only been two weeks, so no, I’m afraid you can’t give me your present in the back seat of your car.”

Balthazar laughed and threw an arm around Cas and kissed his temple. Oh, he loved this man. So serious, and so cute. Like a big, gorgeous teddy bear. If he put stock in the notion of a ‘best’ friend, Castiel would be his; he was the oldest and dearest person to him since they had first met in high school when he’d been shipped to this insufferable town from London to live with his aunt.

Unbelievably, sophomore Cas had taken a rather heavy history book and smacked a senior in his face because he had Balthazar pinned to a locker and was wailing on him.

Balthazar had probably deserved it, admittedly, he was a sardonic little bastard, but Cas had stepped in and stepped up to the boy as blood was gushing down his face and dared him to ‘come on’.

Balthazar remembered after the senior had left Cas had asked him if he was alright and upon confirmation calmly picked his book up and put his things away in his locker as he waited for the principal to come.

Cas was a skinny little thing back then, but he was strong and his temper was scary at times - Balthazar called them Cas’ violent days, but really, in that school, it was the only way you could survive. Eat or be eaten, and then Cas was nobody’s snack.

“You’re being a wallflower, Castiel. This is a party for you, so - mingle. Dance. Chat up Patrick. He’s been staring at you since you walked in. Standing here holding up this wall isn’t what you’re supposed to do on your birthday.”

“It’s close to the bathrooms. I like it here. I can see my brothers and my sister from here, namely Gabriel sitting on Jessica’s lap doing shots. And Raphael still in the corner texting like a madwoman.”

“Sam and Jessica are here? Seriously?” Balthazar’s eyes searched the room and settled on a table that sat Sam and Jess (with Gabriel in her lap), Lucifer and his wife Jo, Michael actually smiling at something Gabriel was saying or doing, and Raphael, sitting in the corner paying more attention to her phone than to her siblings. "That’s in poor taste, isn’t it?

“Why? Sam and Jess are fam-” Cas stopped himself, the word refusing to leave his lips, so he just changed the topic a bit. “Wait, Patrick? Who is Patrick? Did you bring someone here for me to -”

“Oh, darling, how simple you are to think that I would bring someone for you and not keep him for myself.” He put his finger under Castiel’s chin and turned his head to the striking brunette behind the bar. “He’s beautiful and Irish. And he couldn’t take his eyes off of you when you walked in.”

“He’s the new bartender, Balthazar. One, that’s more trouble than I need, and two -”

“Yes, two, you’re still crying over Dean. But it’s not as though you have to jump into a relationship with him. Just take him home, bang him senseless and forget to call him. Or tell him up front that you just want to bounce on his dick a few times, no dinner necessary.”

Castiel opened his mouth to reply but how was he supposed to reply to that? God, he needed a laugh and he could always count on Balthazar to do it for him. “You’re disgusting, Balthazar.”

“Yes, I know. But you like it.”

“What’s so funny, boys?”

Cas was still a little red-faced and chuckling as he turned his head and nearly came face to face with Anna, standing next to their table and looking at them with the softest of smiles. What the hell was she doing here? How had she bypassed the table full of his siblings and made it back here?

“What are you doing here, Anna?”

“Anna? _This_ is Anna?” Balthazar interrupted her and looked her up and down coolly with a disgusted look on his face. “Dean really downgraded didn’t he?”

“A man who doesn’t appreciate the feminine form would say that.” Her attention turned to Balthazar, and she stared at the tall blond, giving him a look that could freeze lava.

“Sweetheart, I’m a fashion photographer, I spend a hundred hours a week worshiping every little inch of the female body with my lens. I am _very_ familiar and very appreciative, and all of that?” He gestured at Anna with a wave of his finger, “Needs a lot of work.”

“Look, I didn’t come here to argue, Castiel. We were friends a few days ago, and I just wanted to -” She stopped talking and glanced over at Balthazar who was staring down at her with his arms folded, his attention on every word she said. “Can we talk alone, Cas?”

After a seconds hesitation, Castiel told his friend that he would join him at the bar in a minute. When Balthazar had cleared the area, Anna wasted no time shoving the gift bag at Castiel. “It’s just a little something that I saw a few weeks ago. It reminded me of your eyes.” She hated them.

As Cas took the bag and rifled through the tissue paper Anna took the small vial she had palmed when she came in and emptied half of the contents in the drink closest to her thigh. When she was done, she looked around them to see if anyone had noticed, and it didn’t seem like anyone had. Balthazar had only just made it to the table where Gabriel and Sam were, and she saw him get up and start toward them.

“I probably shouldn’t stay, but I just wanted you to have that and to say to you that I hope you don’t hate me.”

Anna gave Cas a small wave and walked around Gabriel’s path as she made for the doors. “What was she doing here? What did she say?” Gabriel watched the back of Anna’s head as she went out of the door with Jess and Jo standing to follow her only to have Sam stand in their way and prevent them from following her.

“She had a present. Here,” Cas handed the whole bag to Gabriel. “You can throw the thing on the grill.” Cas reached down and took a long, slow drink of his beer as he was being pushed toward his sibling's table. “Can I go home now?


	8. Come On Get Higher

_I miss the sound of your voice_  
_Loudest thing in my head_  
_And I ache to remember_  
_All the violent, sweet_  
_Perfect words that you said_  
Matt Nathanson- Come On Get Higher

 

The sun had sunk below the trees a while ago, and the last dying light of the day was starting to be replaced in the sky with the dark blues and grays that signaled the night. Even still, the heat was outrageous. The short walk from his front door to Baby in the driveway had tiny beads of sweat forming across Dean’s freshly scrubbed forehead, so turning the AC on full blast in his car even though it caused him to shiver initially made sense.

What didn’t make sense was Sam going to spend his Saturday night with the Novak’s. Jessica, who he had thought could talk some sense into his traitorous little brother had come in this morning having the next two days off of her nursing job and failed him. She thought that seeing them and going to the party that was being thrown for Cas was a good idea, too.  
  
Of course after that declaration Sam and Jess had teamed up on him, in that married couple/conjoined twins kind of way that made him ill, and explained to him that they loved Dean and would always choose Dean, but along that same vein they had known and loved Castiel and his brothers for years, over a decade individually and together, and they couldn’t just skip out on Cas’ birthday.

_Whatever_.  


Dean couldn’t decide whether it was logic or if they were snowing him with their dual soft voices and double doses of puppy eyes, but he had eventually just thrown his hands up and walked away. Let them adopt the Novak's for all he cared, and he didn't care. Not at all, and he wasn't going to think about it either. Someone should be on his side and not determine that he was the villain in the tale before they knew the entire story.  
  
Yeah, he had cheated. Yeah, he was a jerk and careless with his words, but this was killing him too. He was still insanely in love with Cas, he hadn't just grown out of it or stopped all of a sudden. It just felt like the entire relationship was smothering him. Cas was ready for marriage years ago and he wasn't. Cas was ready to adopt kids or hire a surrogate, Dean wasn't. Thirty-one years old didn't make him any less afraid, it didn't magically make his mind feel settled or like he had lived and had the experiences he had wanted before he had met and fallen in love with Cas.  
  
No one could understand why he had done things the way he did, no one had ever really asked. He had spent hours a day with Sam; at work, at meals, at home, but Sam hadn't really asked. And he had been so goddamned mean to Cas that he hadn't even had a chance.  
  
This hurt. This was the most fucked up thing he had ever done to someone, and it wasn't even close to what he had wanted to do, but this is how it was. How it was going to be. He knew there wasn't a chance that he and Cas could even remain friends after what he'd done. But maybe that was for the best. Cas was perfect - and he was... well, he wasn't.  
  
Dean knew where he was supposed to be tonight, the date hadn’t suddenly slipped his mind because he didn’t see Cas every day. He wanted to be there with them tonight, to celebrate Cas' birthday with him, but he knew that easing away from him was for the best.

Calling him wasn’t likely going to be a very good idea either; it seemed like lately every time he opened his mouth he destroyed Cas a little bit more. That wasn’t his intention, he had never wanted to hurt Cas, not like he had. Maybe he had jumped the gun with leaving the way he had a couple of weeks ago.   
  
Perhaps he should have stayed, talked to Cas, told him what he’d done. But if he were honest, he had been excited while he was looking at the possibility of something new. So excited that he knew he hadn't been thinking straight.

Now that he had it, was free and in the clear, he wasn’t so sure that he was excited about it anymore. Everything he had thought he wanted fell flat, none of it seemed special or exciting like it was supposed to. He couldn’t even stay in his own house alone for more than a couple of hours sober.

Everywhere he looked held a memory; Cas in the kitchen humming softly as he put the finishing touches on a meal he had just made or Cas in the bathroom with that damn towel wrapped around his head, shaving. The scent of his aftershave and shampoos were everywhere in the bedroom and bathroom and upstairs; the heady smell of man and spicy ocean air. How did a persons scent linger for that long?

And sleeping. That was the hardest part and one he decided not to deal with. Just as he would settle into their bed, tired, a little drunk, his eyes would snap open and focus on the empty pillow where Cas used to lay. He felt haunted, the ghost of a man that was living and breathing and two miles away was haunting every room in his house.

A few hours of that had him driving over to Anna’s. Even after Sam had arrived he’d slept at her house because he couldn’t deal with the memories that tormented him at night. Sam wasn’t too keen on the idea of Dean leaving him at night, especially to go to Anna’s, but he got it. He understood that much at least. It wasn’t even two weeks in though, maybe he should give it time and he would get used to it.

Maybe an ocean would dry up overnight, too.

Anna was gorgeous and fun, and the crazy assessment he’d made not too long ago was glaringly obvious now -she’d taken _Baby_ without asking him, not that he would have let her anyway, Cas and Sam had barely been allowed to drive her, but she had just taken it upon herself to drive off in his car.

There was no way he could even begin to guess what she had been thinking, taking his car and his keys like that. And him not even noticing? That part of things he’d never understand because he was never that unaware, or that careless with his words. When he finally got Anna on the phone that night she was two counties over visiting a friend.

 _Visiting a friend_.

Who did that? Anna did have a certain way of making him forget that he was angry with her at the moment, however. She had knocked on his door later that night and Dean had intended to really lay into her, to really tear her a new one, only when he’d opened the door he’d been attacked on the spot and had almost fucked her right in the open doorway. It was the closest he'd come to having sex with her in his house. Her Camry had seen some action that night.

By the time he remembered that he had been pissed off, it seemed silly to yell about it now. Baby was back, no scratches or dents (he’d checked) and a full tank of gas. Anna wasn’t taking his car again, that was a fact, but it was hard to resist that crazy. The crazy was damned attractive and he couldn’t help but be sucked in by it.

Not going to Cas’ party had screwed with his head ever since Gabriel confirmed for him that his invitation had been rescinded. Anna had again come to his rescue and invited him to a night out on their own so he wouldn’t have to sit at home alone and sulk. Because he totally would have.

He still couldn’t believe that Sam and Jess had both ditched him tonight in favor of being cuddly with his ex-boyfriend’s family. A good time out tonight with Anna was what he needed, not just sex or hurried lunches, a real date. Tonight his night out included a movie at an actual cinema instead of one of the series he and Cas would have gotten some takeout and watched on Netflix. After that some dinner and a few drinks out at a bar. By then Sam and Jess would probably be back and he was determined to spend the night at home with them.

Right now though he was sitting outside of the cinema waiting for Anna to show up. She’d told him that she’d meet him here so they could make the eight o’clock movie. Eight twenty-seven and she still wasn’t there and her phone was going straight to voice-mail. Had he been stood up?

“Dean.” Anna finally picked her phone up and sounded flustered.

“You alright? I waited at the cinema for over half an hour and I drove by your house - are you okay?”

“My car broke down on me and I _just_ got a signal on my phone. I’ve been trying to call you forever to come and give me a lift or another phone so I can call and have this thing towed.”

The music that Dean heard faintly in the background got louder for a few seconds and then faded to a sound he could barely hear now that he was listening for it, like a door had opened and closed at a bar or a club.

“Where are you? You sound like you’re at a bar or something. We did say movie first, right?”

Anna hesitated for a second. “No, we said movie first. But I wanted to make a quick top before we met up.” She paused again. “I wanted to give Castiel his birthday gift. He hasn’t shown up for work or anything all week so I wanted to drop in and see how he was. I hope you're not upset.”

Dean was quiet for a moment. That was the last thing he expected to hear from her. He figured she was hesitating because she had been with some other dude when her car broke down, not that she’d been with Cas. Were all of his friends going there tonight? “Did he quit his job?” Dean asked her and he could swear he heard the disappointment in her tone when she told him she didn’t know, she had given him his sick days out.

“I’m about ten minutes away,” he said. He didn’t ask her why she didn’t go back inside to use a phone, he could guess that it might have something to do with the intensity of the Novak’s and how they were all likely glaring at her from around the room. Rightly so, he thought.

She was the other woman, she shouldn’t have gone there like she did, whatever friendship she’d had before with Cas had been demolished the first time she’d kissed Dean romantically, just like his relationship had ended the minute he touched her intimately. He couldn’t help but think she had willingly stirred up the hornet's nest, she deserved to be stung.

Even he was hesitant to go over there and just stand in the parking lot, especially after the way Gabriel had acted the other night. But he had to go, didn't he? He couldn't just leave her stranded.  
  
Sonofabitch.  
  
“I’ll check your car out and see if it’s a quick fix or if we have to take it to the shop. See ya in a few.”

***

Trepidation was one word that Dean would use to describe what he felt pulling into the parking lot at Gabriel’s bar, a pretty busy place simply called ‘Tornado Alley', a two-story building that Gabriel owned but used just the first floor of for his bar and the second floor for storage. It was big enough though, downstairs held two bars - one in the font close to the doors and another in the back where the six pool-tables and the league games were held.

This was a place that he had liked to come on the nights he and Cas had date nights; the beer was always free, the company was always great, and the chicken wings made it seem like there was a master chef in the small kitchen. It had just been the place to hang out and an all around good time. Dean knew he wasn’t welcome there now, especially not tonight.

His brother was in there, the traitor, but Dean would probably be cup checked at the door. After Gabriel and the 'discussion' they had the other night, he got the picture. He didn't need to be punched again. That was light, he knew, but if he should be hit by anyone it was Cas that had more than earned the luxury of hitting him and from what he had seen Cas wouldn’t touch him. He could barely even be near him.

He parked the Impala on the side nearest the road where no one could see it if they looked up and jogged over to where he had seen Anna when he had pulled up. He leaned over her and reached for the keys to try and start it. Nothing. “Pop the hood,” he said as he passed her opening door. She joined him a minute later, looking under the hoof where he was checking cables and things, holding his little flashlight over each part as he checked it.

“Huh,” he said looking down at the battery and reaching for the cables. “The cables aren’t connected. How could that have happened?” Dean almost felt stupid even saying that out loud.

Ana didn’t say anything, but opened her eyes wide with surprise and shrugged. “I left it unlocked when I ran in to give Castiel his present, so maybe..” She didn’t finish the thought but the implication was there, that seed had been planted.

Dean looked over at her and hummed softly to himself. No. He didn’t think any of the Novak’s were childish enough to mess with her battery cables. Take a bat to her windows, yeah, absolutely, but probably not some simple fix like that. “Nah. Might’ve just jiggled loose when you were driving. They're on there tight now so I don’t think you’ll have a problem anymore.” They hadn't just jiggled loose, that cord was taken off unless it was a shitty connection in the first place.

He nodded to the front seat, confused by Anna’s frown and sudden huffiness. “See if it starts.” The car roared to life on the first try and Dean shut the hood. “Come by the shop tomorrow and I’ll change your oil, give her a tune up.”

Anna nodded, sidling up to Dean and getting on the tips of her toes to peck his lips. “My big, strong man,” she whispered as Dean looked toward the front window of the bar, looking for his brother, he told himself, definitely not looking for Cas. But that was right where his eyes fell.

“What the hell is Cas doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I forgot to mention it last time, but I added a playlist of my chapter titles in the prologue chapter. It's on Spotify and I *think* you get a 30-second sample of each song unless you're logged in to your Spotify account (it's free!). 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and, as always, unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Comments are so great and I love hearing what you guys have to say. Thanks for sticking with this so far!


	9. Elastic Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for unintentional drug use.

_Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart_  
_But your blade it might be too sharp_  
_I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard_  
_But I may snap when I move close_  
_But you won't see me fall apart_  
Sia- Elastic Heart

 

Dear God this party was _amazing_. All the people that had come out tonight just to wish Cas well on his special day was unbelievable. He had taken to the tiny dance floor - if you could call it that, with Balthazar first. He felt looser than he ever had, surely because he was surrounded by family and friends and most people who loved and supported him; people he felt like he could be comfortable around.

He motioned to Jess and Jo, calling the pair out to dance with him. Lucifer and Sam joined them and for a few minutes the group bounced and swayed and sang along with the song that was being played. Halfway through the second song Lucifer bowed out, mouthing to Sam ‘I’m old!’ when the younger man laughed at him and continued to move himself to the beat. Pretty soon, Cas was the only man left standing but he didn’t seem to notice, or if he did he didn’t seem to care.

Castiel couldn’t dance. There were people had rhythm, people who didn’t, and then there was Castiel. Not being able to even sway properly was the main reason he had only took to the dance floor with Dean when they were couple, Dean who could dance like he was born doing it, Dean who had always held him close and had this ability to make him forget that there was anyone else that might be watching. Dean who never got angry when Cas stepped on his feet or danced too close, or when he would inevitably melt under his gaze.

Now, right now, it felt different, like someone had put a spell on his body. Unbelievably, Cas was okay out there on his own.

Whatever song was playing just now had the entire bar swimming around him, lights pulsing and each beat of the fast-paced song thrumming into his veins. Cas could feel the alcohol pounding through his body like ten thousand tiny drums keeping time with the music that was swirling around him and helping his hips to move and grind with a rhythm he wasn’t aware that he had. Or was it his heartbeat that he was following and not music at all?

Damn if he could tell, he just wanted to dance, to move and sway and become one with the music and the lights and everything he was feeling. Cas was - exhilarated, exhausted too but touching and holding and dancing and moving were more important. He dancing right in the middle of the dance floor, the usually reserved man not caring how he looked or who was watching. And _everyone_ was watching, even the few that were on the small floor with him.

He danced his way behind the bar, pausing to dance on Gabriel, and dragged the other bartender Patrick out there with him, the usually reserved Cas almost instantly wrapping his arms around the brown-eyed bartender and pulled him close. It was pretty clear that Patrick didn’t want to dance as much as Cas did, he was laughing and barely moving, but he wanted to be with this beautiful wild thing.

The wide blue eyes and whiskey-drenched voice set his body on fire with lust, but he had barely spared a glance at Patrick all night. He was glad he was wrong he had been wrong in assuming that he wasn't interested. Castiel was gorgeous, and Patrick couldn’t believe his luck being out there with him.

The bar was unbelievably crowded tonight, but most people were in the back area of the bar as the part was being held in the front. Lucifer and his wife Josie had both taken seats on stools directly behind Cas and Patrick, who was hyper-aware of the eyes that were on him and Castiel. Their little brother was drunk, really, really drunk, or high or something.

He was behaving in ways he didn’t normally, would e mortified to hear about in the morning, and they wanted to make sure that the way he was acting wasn’t going very far or have him doing a walk of shame that he didn’t want to do. Normally they would live and let live, get it Cas, but his siblings, the ones who knew him better than anyone, could tell that this wasn’t normal for him.

Things could have been just so bottled up inside of him that it took a few drinks to get bring it out and this was what they got. Maybe he needed this. A one night stand. Someone to bang his frustration out of him. They weren’t staring, no, Gabriel was serving drinks and chatting with Sam and Jessica, and Lou and Jo were looking at Facebook on their phones. They were watching though.

“You’re completely drunk, aren’t you, beautiful?” Patrick asked when Cas wound his arms around his neck. Those blue eyes were drooping and Patrick could feel Cas’ body starting to slow.

Patrick was hot; tall with just been sexed dark hair and dark eyes. And he was Irish, everything he said sounded like the words had been coated in honey and sex. “I only had one drink,” Cas slurred, even though he thought he sounded just fine. Cas pressed their bodies closer together, brushing his nose against Patrick’s and biting at his lips. “I’m sober. I’m good. I can still bend you over Gabriel’s desk and fuck the hell out of you.”

Was that an invitation?

Patrick laughed, kissing Cas back and slowing his fast movements by slowing his own body down. “As hot as that sounds, and God, I’m gonna regret this later, but drunken, one night stands aren’t my scene. I’d rather take you to a movie or have some dinner first.” He kissed Cas again, lingering over his lips, God his lips, and really wanting to kick his own ass for being an upstanding idiot.

***

“Dean!” Anna shouted to get his attention. Dean shushed her and told her to wait for a second as he watched Cas dancing with some guy that he didn’t recognize. Was that the guy he was making plans with? That was the one replacing him? And since when did Cas dance like that? He was _grinding_ his ass against the other guy.

Kissing?

A sudden burst of fury and jealousy erupted from Dean in the form of a half growl, half yell as he stormed into the bar. Novak's were swarming him as soon as he opened the door, Michael first, he was the closest and tried to stop Dean with a hand on his shoulder. Dean brushed it off and continued on toward Cas and reached him before Lucifer even saw what was happening.

“Who the hell are you?” Dean shoved Patrick back away from Cas and pushed him a few times until his back was against the bar.

“Who the hell are _you_?” Patrick asked, regaining his footing and sense after the surprise. Sam jumped down from his stool as soon as he had seen his furious looking brother walk in and was standing next to Dean, holding an arm in front of his chest and guiding him back easily.

“Dude, chill out. Guy works here. They were dancing, that’s all.”

Cas had stopped dancing to watch, not offering a single word in Patrick’s defense or moving to rush to his aid. He just stared at Dean. He could feel his heart swell in his chest and all he could see when he looked at Dean was him defending his honor. Was Patrick doing something to him that he hadn’t noticed? Did his jealousy make Dean taller? Had he come up on a white horse to rescue him? Where was the horse now? Jesus he loved that man.

“Dean,” he loudly, maybe too loudly, shouted and interrupted Sam or Lucifer or whichever one of them was talking. He didn’t care, not even a little. Dean turned and looked at him, puzzled, worried, all of the above? Cas was still dancing, albeit slowly, but he was still going. Dean moved around everybody near him and went to Cas, taking his waist to stop him from moving.

“Cas,” he was holding him still but he could feel Cas’ body vibrating under his fingers, wanting to move but being held firmly in place by Dean’s hands. “Your pupils are blown baby. What’d you take?” The blue of Castiel's eyes were almost a solid black and droopy, like he was fighting sleep. That wasn’t alcohol. Weed, maybe? But weed didn’t make your entire body hum like this, it didn’t make you - Dean’s thoughts were stopped when Cas pressed his whole body against his and started trailing small kisses all along his jaw.

In the same moment Cas swayed on his feet and tried to move away or maybe he was falling, but he vomited; on the floor, on his own leg, on Dean’s arm and side. To his credit, Dean didn’t let him go and Cas’ head fell backwards and his entire body sagged, if it weren’t for the hold Dean had around his waist Cas would have fallen to the floor.

“Baby. Babe,” Dean was gently lowering Cas down to the floor and Jessica was rushing over to them, turning Cas’ head to the side in case he was sick again. Her fingers went immediately to his neck to feel his pulse. “Call an ambulance, his pulse is almost - it’s noticeably slow,” she said to Gabriel who had already gotten on his phone the minute Cas went down. Lucifer and Michael were already crouched beside them and were looking from Cas to Jess. She was a nurse, she could tell them something or do something other than put his head in her lap to keep it off the floor.

“He was fine a few minutes ago,” Balthazar said, nerves making his voice shake. “He couldn’t have been drunk, he was drinking with me and all we had was that - that - Long Island Iced Tea. Did he drink at home?” Gabriel shook his head glancing at the window every few seconds. “We had wine at home, but that was hours ago. He -”

“Wasn’t drunk. He was on something. His eyes were almost black.” Dean had stood and was pacing nervously behind them, but every eye was on him. “How did you people not even fucking notice? As soon as I saw him I knew he was on something. How could none of you know?” “He was fine,” Balthazar repeated. “And then your girlfriend came in I’m sure that upset him, maybe he -”

Balthazar found himself with a face full of Dean “She’s not my girlfriend,” Dean said in a low voice, though it was loud enough for the ones nearest him to hear. “Not your girlfriend,” Balthazar said and straightened out, taking a step towards Dean. “Then I suggest you keep your bitch away from my friend. It’s bad enough that he has to have her rub his nose in her new relationship at work, he doesn’t need her to invade him when he’s trying to have a night away from - drama.”

While Dean and Balthazar were having a pissing contest the EMT’s made it in the bar and assessed Cas quickly, putting an oxygen mask on him as they lifted him on to the stretcher. Dean was behind them in a flash, along with the rest of the Novak siblings and tossed his keys to Sam as he flew along behind Cas.

He was surprised that none of Cas’ brothers offered any resistance to him getting in the back of the ambulance with Cas, but he wasn’t complaining. He sat next to the stretcher and took Cas’ hand in his own, kissing him on the forehead and whispering as they buckled Cas in. One look at the parking lot showed the Novak’s getting in their various cars to follow them, and also that Anna’s car was gone.

***

Everything was blurry and it took several blinks of his eyes to start to clear things up but the world around him was still dim. Where was he? What was going on? There was a steady beeping noise near him, but he’d be damned if he could see anything. And there were wires connected to his arms? What the hell was going on? “Dean. Dean. DEAN,” he was trying to sit up and move towards the shuffling and movement he heard a few feet from him.

“Babe, calm down. Lay back.” Dean guided him backward slowly placing one hand on Cas’ shoulder and straightening his pillow with the other. He watched Cas blinking his eyes quickly, he figured trying to clear his vision as he focused on Dean’s face. “I’m right here. How do you feel?

Cas hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, he was more concerned with that beeping noise and clearing his vision, which now for the most part was fine, though he still felt like he had a pound of sand in each eye. “Where’s here?” His voice sounded rougher than usual and was very low, almost like it was a strain to get the words past his throat.

“Uh, you’re in the ER. We had to bring you to the hospital a few hours ago. You passed out and puked while you were dancing, and your heart rate was really slow, so they’re monitoring that.” That explained the beeping noise. “They also pumped your stomach and took some pee to see what kind of drugs you were on.” Dean scooted his chair forward closer to Cas’ bed and took his hand. “Do you remember what you took?”

He was almost sure he was aware and awake when they pumped his stomach. That experience was horrible and one he never cared to go through again. His stomach still clenched every now and again, however, his body was sure there was nothing left in it to come up. Cas' eyes suddenly narrowed. Did he take something? Was he serious? He looked quickly at Dean, offended to his core that he would even ask him that.

“You know that I don’t do drugs, and you know why I abhor them. And you should know me better than to even ask me that.” Cas had opened up to Dean a year or so after they got together and Dean was toying with the idea of getting them both an Ecstasy pill, just to see what the sex felt like high. Cas had never even told his siblings what his adopted mother had finally told him when he was old enough to understand about his biological parents.

They both had been junkies who had overdosed on heroin and left their three year old alone in the house for eight days. He had no food, very little liquid (though it was suspected he had gotten his water from the dog dish) and their bloated corpses. Drugs were something he would never put into his body.

“They said it wasn’t alcohol poisoning. I had to be - there had to be something. Um, epilepsy might still be a factor but you’ve never -”

“Dean, aren’t we broken up? Why are you here?” God, please don’t puke again. He could feel his stomach clench and he shut his eyes against the nausea.

“You passed out in my arms, Cas. I’m here because I care, I don’t want you hurt.”

“Suddenly. You didn’t act like you cared if I lived or died a week ago, and now you suddenly do?” What the hell did he do last night? He passed out in Dean’s arms? He mentioned something about dancing? Why couldn’t he remember? “Look, the last thing I remember is - Anna came in and gave me a present.” He paused, covering his eyes with his hands. “She did something to me. She had to. I was fine before and then -”

Damn, he really didn’t remember anything much after her. He had hugged Raphael goodbye after she had forced him to take a check from her, and then - bits of things, maybe? He’d only had the one drink, and he had nothing after that. He looked over at Dean who was watching him, waiting for an answer to a question that Cas hadn’t heard.

“What, Dean?”

“I asked you if she was alone with you or if she had a chance to give you something without you noticing it.”

“My drink was on the table when she came. But I don’t know. I never even thought about that, but she’s been horrible to me lately and I wouldn’t put anything past her.”

Cas looked at Dean and wasn’t sure what he was reading on his face, but it looked to him like it was doubt. Doubt for what he’d said or doubt about Anna? But really, it didn’t matter did it? Dean had made his choice and if Anna had done something like this to him in the name of her new relationship, Cas wasn’t going to fight her for it. He loved Dean, so much, but -

“Thank you for last night and being here when I woke up. But I really want you to leave now. Right now. If she’s that deranged - if she did something to me, I don’t want that in my life. I have enough problems without adding her insanity to the pile. So just go, Dean. Go home. Go away. Leave me alone.”

Dean stared as Cas flipped over onto his side, back facing him after he said his last to Dean. Was that it? Drop a huge bombshell like that on him and then kick him out? He hadn’t even been thinking about any of that before Cas had said it, that Anna might have had a hand in this. And how else had she been horrible to him? She’d said - pretty much the same thing to him about Cas, that he was the one being awful.

Had he really been that stupid? He needed to find out. Obviously he had known she was crazy, but he had liked it, he had never thought she was capable of doing anything that might hurt someone he loved.

After a few minutes of the silence growing between them, Dean pressed a kiss to Cas’ temple and left the room. He wasn’t done with this, not even a close, and he definitely wasn’t going home. The Novak’s were hanging around the lobby of the emergency room, as were Sam and Jess, who stood up when he came out. “Get your purses and come with me. I have to find something out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that everyone enjoyed this chapter!  
> The drug Cas was given was GHB, or 'liquid x'. Colorless, odorless and a little too much of it poured right into his drink. Has she been drugging Dean, too, in smaller quantities? Hm..
> 
> As always this is unbeta'd, all mistakes are my own, but I do edit the heck out it before I post. Thank you so much for sticking around and I hope you stay with me until the end (I do know how it's going to end, but we still have a bit to go). Your comments and kudos make me so happy; I always love hearing what you have to say!


	10. Trying Not To Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for talk of GHB and date rape. Also, copious amounts of being physically sick mentioned.
> 
> The italics are flashbacks.

_But if there's a pill to help me forget,_  
_God knows I haven't found it yet_  
_But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to_  
_'Cause trying not to love you only goes so far_  
_And trying not to need you is tearing me apart_  
_Can't see the silver lining from down here on the floor_  
_And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for_  
Nickelback- Trying Not To Love You

 

_“Castiel, huh?”_

_“Yeah, Castiel. It’s -”_

__

__

_“It’s cute. Different. I like it.”_

__

__

_“Cute? Really? That’s the first time anyone has ever said my name is cute.” Castiel laughed. He had been blushing crimson the entire time that Dean had been talking to him and hoping the nervous chuckles didn’t sound so nervous. Thank God it was dark and his face was almost definitely cast in the dancing shadows the bonfire provided, that was the good thing about being eaten alive by the mosquitoes that were clearly savoring the insect repellent on his skin._

__

__

_“It’s not… you know, cute, but thank you, Dean.” He was also stumbling over his words, and no one had ever caused him to do that. Ten minutes ago Dean had been just the hot guy talking to Kali, and now he was over here talking to him, almost like Castiel had mentally willed it._

__

__

_Dean smiled at him, using his head to gesture at a log near the bonfire for them to sit on. Cas immediately abandoned his plate on the table next to him and followed Dean, glancing around the crowd for his brother. Where the hell had Gabriel gone? The second Dean had approached them and started talking to Castiel, Gabriel had disappeared._

__

__

_Granted it had only been a few minutes ago, but still. Castiel didn’t know how to flirt if there was flirting involved in this. What if he tried to flirt and that’s not why Dean had come over, he had just wanted to talk?_

__

__

_He was going to kill Gabriel._

__

__

_“Thinkin’ pretty hard over there.” The sound of Dean’s voice pulled Castiel from his thoughts and he looked over to see grinning Dean already seated on the log, patting the spot next to him with his eyebrows lifted in question._

__

__

_Oh, he was adorable and he knew it. This was going to be very, very bad._

***

Thunder shook the small semi-private hospital room, its noise almost drowning out the sounds of Castiel’s eighth bout of retching this past hour. He had abandoned his hospital bed and the barf bag there in favor of dragging his IV pole over to the bathroom and welcoming the cool that seeped into his sweaty skin from the floor in front of the toilet.

“Gabriel please stop getting nurses to come in here.” Cas sounded as weak as he felt, the pallor of his skin a chalky white color that scared the shit out of Gabriel and Michael. One of the nurses was trying to coax Castiel back into his bed, her gloved hands gently dabbing at his sweat-soaked face with a washcloth.

Normally Cas would have just given in to her because she was being so nice, but he refused her adamantly time and again until she finally put a towel under his head and said he’d check on him again in a few minutes.

As soon as she left Cas’ body was almost immediately wracked with dry heaves as he tried to get to his knees to aim for the toilet. Michael saw his knee giving way, but before he could get to him Cas had slipped and knocked his head against the edge of the bowl.

“Jesus Christ.” Cas whimpered, his small words muffled against his arms.

Michael grasped his chin and looked at his forehead, knowing Cas’ aversion to nurses for the ‘small things’. The hit wasn’t hard enough to break the skin, and Cas gave a small laugh as Michael helped him to lay on his side.

“Gabriel, stop it!” Cas paused to catch his breath after seeing Gabe heading for the door again. “They can’t do anything else for this, I just have to puke through it. It’s just a really bad hangover. I’m a big boy, I can do it.”

“You’re not breathing right, and there was blood in that sick bag. Like a lot. This is not a fucking hangover. They need to do something else for you and they need to know when you get sick.”

“They said his throat is raw from being sick.” Michael was peering down into the sick bag that had been on the floor. “Cas, we have to get you another doctor. This county shit and these country doctors aren’t doing anything at all. You were fine two hours ago, fine enough to get up and change back into the clothes you had on last night and now-now you’re in the fetal position on the bathroom floor and -”

Michael quit speaking for a second, looking away and clearing his throat. “I need a minute. I’ll be back.”

“Why don’t you leave too Gabriel?” Cas said just barely loud enough for Gabriel to hear him as Gabriel pulled a chair close to the bathroom door and sat in it.

“Fuck you, Cas.”

“Fuck you back.”

***

_Castiel was pleasantly surprised by himself. Once he started talking to Dean he found himself blushing less and finding his words more easily. They were talking like they had known each other for years. Dean was just easy to talk to he supposed, and being easy on the eyes didn’t hurt this situation either._

_“So Cas, how many brothers do you have? I need a number because it sounds like you have an army of siblings.”_

_Castiel laughed as he walked next to Dean. “There’s five of us, including me, the youngest. Michael and Lucifer are the twins and the oldest, then Raphael is next and Gabriel, then me.”_

__

__

_“You have a brother named Lucifer?”_

__

__

_The look on Dean’s face was disbelief mixed with a hint of curiosity. “He prefers Lou, but of course Gabriel calls him Lucy when he wants to annoy him.”_

__

__

_“And Gabriel is your older brother - the Gabriel that’s dating Kali, right? They just graduated from High School.” Dean stopped walking and blinked back at Cas. “How old are you?”_

__

__

_“Don’t worry, I’m seventeen. All legal.” Cas cheeks heated a little when he realized the implication he made. “I mean if you were worried. I didn’t mean to assume that you were, just the - small talk.”_

__

__

_Dean chuckled at Cas’ bout of babbles; it was charming and he enjoyed them when they happened. “Never change, Cas.” He hooked his pinkies with Cas’ and dragged him closer, watching the way those sapphire eyes widened a little at how they had suddenly gotten so up close and personal._

__

__

_“Actually,” Dean said. “I was worried. I was thinking about your lips and how kissable they are and how much I want to kiss you for at least the last half hour. I’m pretty relieved that I can. If that’s your thing…”_

__

__

_“It’s definitely my thing. I mean I’ve never done it before, but I really think I’d be good at kissing you.”_

__

__

_Cas’ heart skipped a beat when Dean stepped closer, eliminating any space they had left between them and stroked his thumb across his bottom lip, pulling a soft gasp out of a speechless Cas. “So I can have your first kiss then?”_

__

__

_Dean was grinning, teasing, drawing this out because he was enjoying the pose of desperation and innocence that Cas had taken, chest rising and falling more noticeably than before, lips parted, waiting for his kiss._

__

__

_Did Dean mean for him to answer that? He wet his lips and prepared to speak but as soon as he started to Dean had already moved in, putting a hand behind Castiel’s head and catching his lips with his own._

__

__

***

“So the urine tests show he has GHB in his system. So… he was slipped a roofie. He could have died because somebody wanted to fuck him without asking - ”

“Rape,” Lucifer interjected helpfully, interrupting Michael. “Rape him. Knock him out and rape him.” Michael looked over at him and Gabriel pointing firmly at them both, angrier than he had been a moment before. “I want Patrick fired and I want whichever one of you is friends with that sheriff to get her to search him and his apartment, house - whatever he lives in.”

Cas’ cough from the bathroom floor dragged Michael away from the intense set of instructions he had been almost bellowing at Gabriel. “It wasn’t Patrick. I barely even noticed Patrick last night. How is he involved in this?”

The trio of brothers looked at each other and then back at Cas. It was clear by their silence that none of them wanted to rehash what Cas did last night to him. Not right now anyway. They all started when a cell phone went off, and the trio was grateful for the interruption as they all reached into pockets and checked to see who it was.

“It’s Raphael, finally.” Lucifer was almost running as he exited the room to answer, leaving the other two behind.

“What do you remember about last night?” Gabriel finally said. Cas just stared at him, they’d already had this conversation. He’d had it with Michael and Lucifer, too. And his doctor. The girl who helped him pee in the cup via a damn catheter. He was really sick of giving his event of things, and to show his displeasure he kicked out a foot and slammed the bathroom door.

“Alright, fine.” Gabriel was leaning against the wall outside of the door, telling Cas everything he’d seen him do, how they all had just assumed he had drunk a lot and his inhibitions were lowered. How he’d propositioned Patrick for sex. They heard an ‘Oh God’ followed by something that sounded like ‘why didn’t anyone stop me’ just before the faint but unmistakable sound of heaving came from the bathroom.

Gabriel seated himself on the floor with his little brother, hand rubbing up and down his back as he stretched his other to wet a washcloth and have it ready when Cas was done. Michael crouched behind the pair, hand following the motions of Gabe’s, and grateful neither of them could see his face.

When he was done, Cas sagged into Gabriel, whose arms circled around him immediately and pulled him against his chest. “You know I’m charging you for this,” Gabriel said, wiping Cas’ mouth and the rest of his face with the damp cloth. “I don’t even wipe my own mouth most of the time. We’re lucky I brush my teeth.”

“Clearly he’s not kidding, Cassie. We’re unfortunately familiar with your halitosis, Gabe.” Michael stood as Cas gave a short laugh at them and burrowed deeper into the warmth of his brother’s arms. 

Michael looked down at the bowl to see if what Cas was putting out was getting any better, and thankfully, it was much, much lighter than it had been. It didn't make sense that he was still so sick, unless, possibly, he was allergic to something in it.  
  
Michael was flushing the pink water in the toilet when Lucifer poked his head in and mouthed to him: ‘Sammy’s on the phone. You need to take this.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone liked this chapter. I know it hasn't answered the questions of what Dean went to find out or why Sam was calling for Michael, but stick around! It's coming.
> 
> As always, I really appreciate the feedback I'm getting from all of you, so thank you. And this is still unbeta'd, all mistakes are my own.


	11. Bad Romance

_I want your love and_  
 _I want your revenge_  
 _You and me could write a bad romance_  
Lady Gaga- Bad Romance

 

Even as Dean knocked on Anna’s door he was hoping that Cas had been wrong about this, that maybe the fucker he was dancing with and had been all over him had slipped him something or maybe that it wasn’t sinister at all, just a really bad reaction to something he’d taken on his own.

That wasn’t a game or a joke; Cas could have died right there on the floor of the bar. The way the paramedics had run to the back with him, they hadn’t treated it like a simple overdose, they had bee rushing trying to get his vitals close to normal the entire way to the hospital, and even now the doctors were trying to get his heart rate under control.

Dean had been terrified, he couldn’t ever remember feeling like that in his life about anything. He was still nervous; they didn’t want to keep Cas there for monitoring for fun. Dean’s insides were quivering and he was ready to snap over the smallest thing, but he was holding it together because he wanted to get to the bottom of what had happened.

Just - please don’t let it be Anna. Don’t let her be that crazy, obsessed, Glenn Close boiling pet bunnies type of girl. He couldn’t handle having brought this into their lives like this.

Without warning, Jessica stepped between Dean and Sam to pound loudly on Anna’s door with her balled up fist. She was tired of this girl already, and whatever happened this morning she already had decided she was going to sit Dean down and talk to him about his future with this girl.

Whatever Sam had been doing - likely coddling his big brother - wasn’t working. It was time for someone who could lovingly hurt Dean’s feelings to step in and tell him what he clearly wasn’t seeing and how badly he was screwing his life up. Sometimes love hurt.

***

The frequent pounding on her front door told Anna that her unwelcome visitors weren’t going anywhere, so she closed her laptop and changed into a nightgown, mussing her hair a bit and rubbing at the eyeliner on her eyes, making herself appear as though she had just been awakened.

When Anna finally opened her door, she saw Dean give Jessica a backward glance as he moved back in front of her and slung his arm around Anna as he led them inside, Sam and Jess following behind them without invitation.

It only took her a few seconds to shrug away from Dean’s arm and take up a defensive pose in the middle of her living room; arms folded across her chest, eyes darting between the trio. “So, this is a creepy visit. It’s barely morning and the three of you are standing in my house looking at me like I killed someone.” She gave Dean a hard look. “Especially after you took off on me last night like that.”

Anna unfolded her arms and ran her fingers through her red hair, her gaze falling on Jessica. Why was Jessica even there? Why was Sam? She barely knew either of them and yet Dean had brought them to her home without even calling her. Something had to be up.

No one had seen her leave, or park across the street and watch what happened after Dean had rushed into the bar. She hadn’t expected any of what had happened, she was just hopeful that had she timed it right Dean would see Castiel with another guy, or making an ass out of himself and showing what she would have called his ‘true colors’.

She’d watched Dean leave with Castiel in an ambulance last night at the bar and Sam and Jessica followed behind in Dean’s car. Now they were here, looking like they had all been awake for hours, staring at her. Her heart sped up a little. Castiel couldn’t have died. They were too casual for something that serious to have happened, but what _had_ happened?

Things seemed like they were going her way at first, but then Castiel had to go and get sick and fall to the floor. She hadn’t planned that, but — all is fair in love and war. She stifled a yawn for good measure and gestured for them to sit if they wanted, and everyone did but Dean.

“So… anyone want to tell me what this is about? Dean?”

“I just wanted to check on you before I went home with these guys, you disappeared last night before the commotion started and I was worried about you, and that you might be upset with me or thinking the worst. And I thought maybe I’d give you an update on Cas’ condition since he’s a friend of yours.”

Anna looked confused, perhaps troubled. “What’s wrong with Castiel? Did something happen to him?”

“Cas is uh, — he passed out and had to be rushed to the emergency room last night,” Dean said. The wide-eyed look of surprise on Anna’s face looked genuine. “He’s having a hard time breathing and he still hasn’t woken up.”

“Oh my God.” Anna lifted a hand to her mouth. She hadn’t expected it to go that far. Was he going to die from this? Was the tiny amount of liquid she had poured in his drink enough to really hurt him like that? She had been giving smaller amounts to Dean for a few weeks now, to make the sex exciting, this wasn’t what she had expected when she gave Castiel more.

But then again, it was already done, wasn’t it? And with Castiel out of the way…

“Is he going to be alright?”

It was Sam who answered her. “They don’t know. It’s touch and go, they really don’t know much yet, but it looks bad. Real bad. They found drugs in his system and they think that maybe — somebody put them there. In a drink, or in something he ate at the bar. His brothers and Dean all swear that he’s never touched an illegal drug in his life. And Gabriel was with him all day.”

Sam shrugged “Nobody can even fathom that someone would do that to him. Everybody seems to like him, and last night — the people there were his friends.”

“The police are going to be looking at the bar cameras as soon as Gabriel leaves the hospital and collects the footage to give them. They have two behind the bars,” Dean held up fingers to illustrate what he was saying. “And eight in corners around the place to catch fights and stuff like that in case legal action is ever taken.”

Dean saw Anna’s eyes widen slightly, but her composure was kept cool. She either had her poker face on, or she was genuinely surprised, none of them were sure which. Dean was glad that Jessica hadn’t said a word about Cas not being as ill as they’d said or the fact that the bar only had one camera, not the ten they had claimed it had, and that lonely camera faced the liquor supply in the back.

When he and Sam started talking they were so in sync that they could seamlessly tell the exact same lie at the same time rooms apart, or play off of each other's words enough to tell a story like the one currently on the floor. It was just one of their quirks. And this morning they were trying to get and gauge Anna’s reaction to their words, but so far she hadn’t offered up a story or acted any other way except shocked and worried.

Maybe she was telling the truth, or maybe she was a very good actress.

“Can we go in the bedroom for a minute?” Dean asked Anna, gesturing to a closed door with his head, and not waiting for her to answer grabbed her hand and pulled her behind him and shut the door.

“That’s rude just leaving them in there like that,” Anna didn’t really want to be alone with Dean right now, not with Sam and his wife sitting out in her living room. But the way Dean had pulled her said that he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Was there more? “What is it, Dean? Is something else wrong?”

“The bartender — I think he said his name was Patrick, he told me that uh, a redhead was talking to Cas just a few minutes before he started acting weird, maybe a half hour before he passed out. He says he’s sure this woman had something in her hand, and she was very close to the drink Cas had —”

“Are you asking if I put something in Castiel’s drink, Dean? Am I being accused of something?”

“Look, this guy told me all that after Gabriel fired him and I accused him of doing it. I haven’t said anything to anyone because I wanted to talk to you first and get your story. I mean — if you did, just tell me. We’ll fix it. This guy is sitting at the hospital waiting to hear about Cas, looking guiltier than sin to everybody.”

“I didn’t. I mean, I don’t have a reason to do anything to hurt him like that.” Anna looked at Dean, standing scant inches from him with her hands on his arms. “Right, Dean?”

For a few seconds, Dean was hopeful, Anna had looked at him with innocence written on her face, the few words she had said sounded just as innocent, until the very last part. Was that a fucking roundabout confession?

“Right. You’re friends. You wouldn’t want to see Cas get hurt like that.” Dean took her hands in his, and spoke lower, just to her. “If there’s anything left over that might need to be gotten rid of, I can take care of it.”

Dean’s heart almost stopped when she let him go and crossed the room to take the jeans she had been wearing out of the hamper and pull something small from one of the pockets and come back to him and quietly slipped the object into his hand and closed his fingers around it. He opened his hand and looked down at the vial of clear liquid in his palm.

“That’s the - what is this?”

“GHB — liquid X,” Anna whispered. “I only used half of the vial in his drink. I guess that was too much.”

“You dosed Cas with GHB. Like a roofie? What for? Were you wanting him to — ”

“Shh,” Anna placed her fingers over Dean’s lips and her other arm around his neck. “No questions. Just get rid of it, like you said you would. And after you do that and we nap, maybe we can have a picnic or catch that movie we didn’t get to see last night.”

That was cold. Dean knew she was nutty and a little wild, it was what had been part of her charm, but this — it was almost unbelievable to hear something so callous and uncaring falling from her lips. Dean disengaged himself from her grasp and took a few steps away, back toward the door.

“Sammy?” he called out fishing in his shirt pocket for his cell phone to put up next to his ear, which already had a call to Sam’s going for the last seven minutes.

Sam’s voice sounded from the next room as Dean opened the door to back out. “Got it, Dean. Calling Jody.”

***

_Monday afternoon, 11 a.m._

The small police station wasn’t busy at all. Three of the five patrol cars they had were all out checking for speeders and the other two deputies were doing busy work at their desks, namely the paperwork on the Anna Milton/Dean Winchester/Castiel Novak case they had caught yesterday.

“I don’t believe a human can be this dense,” Lucifer was in the police station talking to Sheriff Jody Mills, who was staring at the Novak incredulously with her hand on her hip. “You have the tube of whatever that is in evidence with her fingerprints on it, a recording of her saying that she drugged my little brother and you’re saying you can’t arrest her? What kind of fuckery is this? Seriously, what kind of —,”

“Lou, I’d think very carefully about what you’re going to say to me next. I know you’re upset, and I know you want to see justice done, but I have to follow the law so we can make sure she doesn’t get off on a technicality. She’s denied everything and the recording is so muffled that we can’t distinguish anyone’s voice, but we’re trying to get that cleaned up to hear it better.”

Jody looked down at the file she was holding before she continued. “What we do have is her blaming Dean and the fingerprints on the vial that belong to him. We have Sam and Jessica’s statements, but you know how one brother being a witness for another looks.”

“It looks bad,” Jody and Lucifer both turned their heads at the sound of the new voice and saw Castiel walk in with Gabriel by his side. He was a little pale and had faint circles under his eyes, but otherwise, he was walking fine and looked like he was just getting over the flu. “But Dean and I lived together for a long time if he ever wanted to drug me he had years and years to do it.” He paused. “Gabriel said that Dean was arrested yesterday?”

Jody nodded. “We have him in his own cell. He was singing the blues last night and being a pain in the ass like he does. He asked Donna for a harmonica.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s talking to your brother right now. Michael tried to get him out on his own recognizance but the twenty-nine unpaid parking tickets and that assault charge on his record kind of made the judge unsympathetic so he set a bond for him. Sam went to John and Mary—,”

“I’ll pay it. Raphael gave me a check that I deposited this morning. Gabriel already said he’d front me the cash until it clears. Whatever I don’t have maybe Sam can still talk to their parents.”

“Alright then, that’s settled. I’ll go and tell Michael and you get the bond paid, and when you guys get back Dean should be processed and ready to go.” Jody stepped forward and put her arm around Castiel. “You look good. The horror story the boys here were telling I was expecting — way worse. You feel as good as you look?”

“A little tired, my throats kinda sore, but I feel okay. The doctors said I’m not going to die, so I’m trying to be optimistic.” Castiel gave her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes as she hugged him to her side as they walked to the front doors.

“Lou was up here nearly crying, had me worried, so I’m relieved to see you up and walking around.”

“Uh, Jody wore tight pants to work today because Michael was checking out her ass yesterday.” Lucifer sounded pleased with himself. “And she’s wearing lipstick too.”

Jody, aghast, turned and looked at Lucifer, her mouth an almost perfect ‘o’ as Gabriel and Castiel looked down at the pants she was wearing, Gabriel’s hand swiping over his face as he tried not to crack a smile.

“I haven’t had enough sleep for this,” Castiel said sounding amused, nearly chewing his bottom lip off so he could keep a straight face.

“Alright,” Gabriel cleared his throat and pushed the glass door that led outside open. “We’ll go and take care of the bail and shit and I’ll take Cas back to my place so he can rest. After Dean’s released tell him that’s where we’ll be. Right?” He looked at Cas and Cas nodded as he exited in front of Gabriel, who couldn’t leave without a tiny bit of snark. “Give Michael a kiss for us, Jody.”

Jody blinked at the closing door and couldn’t help laughing at them. “You’re all supposed to be grown ass men but you act like teenagers when you’re together.” She slapped the file she had been holding at Lucifer as she walked by. “Come on, Lou, let’s go talk to them. But I have to check my lipstick first.”

***

Gabriel was snoring softly on the couch, the remote control to the television resting flat against his chest. Castiel shook his head when he glanced over at him from the recliner; he wished he could sleep like that. He was so exhausted from what he had been through that all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep the rest of the day away but his thoughts and the feeling of dread in his stomach kept him awake.

He had never dreamed that Anna would try to hurt him like that. Petty, childish things like the picture and the phone calls, yes, but drugging him like that? Had she really wanted him to get hurt? There wasn’t anything he could think of that he’d done to give her any idea that he was fighting for Dean. He wasn’t. He had been sad, hated working under her, but that was it.

The lack of action made him seem weak he was sure, but he was far from it. Dean didn’t want the relationship anymore. Castiel was the longest ‘phase’ known to man, and Dean wanted to be with women again. Why should Cas have fought for Dean when Dean had made it clear that he didn’t want Cas to win?

It was over. They were over. And that was that.

An hour after the Chinese takeout that he and Gabriel had picked up for their lunch had been put away and the kitchen cleaned, Castiel sat in the chair he had fruitlessly tried to nap in earlier and folded a load of clothes from the dryer. He was trying to wear himself out, to make himself so tired that he would have no choice but to sleep despite the array of thoughts playing on the screen of his mind.

His eyes were heavy, to the point that he could see his own lashes in his vision, but every time his lids dropped shut, his body jerked awake. This day needed to be over. Dean didn’t need to be in jail anymore and everything needed to be normal again. As normal as it had been three days ago, anyway.

The sudden knock at the door made Cas jump and woke Gabriel from his nap. Cursing at the disruption he took a few seconds to stumble across the room to open the door for Michael and Dean.

Castiel was polite when Dean knelt on the floor next to him and asked him how he felt, but pulled his hand away when Dean went to touch him. “There’s a seat on the couch, Dean.” Dean looked at Cas, nodded and stood and sat on the couch a few feet away.

“So anyway,” Michael started and cleared his throat as he opened the folder he had put in front of him on the coffee table. “The only fingerprints that came back on the drug container belonged to Dean, and Anna is blaming the entire thing on Dean now that she knows the recording they made can barely be made out. I have someone coming here from LA to work on a copy of it, clean it up and maybe we can hear what’s being said and by whom, but even it might not even be admissible in court.”

They all listened as Michael went on, asking him questions and sighing loudly at appropriate times.

“Right now they’re charging him with Assault two, conspiracy to commit fraudulent consumption and possession of a controlled substance. The least amount of time he’s looking at is two years and a ten thousand dollar fine.”

Castiel scrubbed a hand across his face and pinched the bridge of his nose as Michael continued. He looked over at Dean who just sat silently next to Michael, no outward reaction on his face. Dean had heard all of this before.

“And these are the charges that Dean’s facing. Sam and Jessica’s statements don’t mean anything. It’s basically Anna’s word against Dean’s, and because she has a clean record they’re taking her word.”

“As of right now,” Michael said, nodding at Cas. “Yes. The only evidence there is points right at Dean. And the statements against Anna are from Dean’s brother and sister in law so I wouldn’t count on those.”

Castiel was quiet for a few seconds and finally looked directly at Dean. “I don’t want to press charges. I’m angry at you, and I think you’re an idiot for a number of reasons, but I don’t want to see you go to prison for something I know you didn’t do because you were trying to help me.”

“Cassie, it’s not up to you anymore. The district attorney is pressing the charges. It’s up to him.”

“I know. I know Victor, we work together a lot, so I’ll go and talk to him tomorrow and see what we can do. If not I hope you’re still licensed to practice in Kansas.”

“Of course I am. My younger brothers are criminals, I have to have a license here.” Michael looked at his watch and stood. “So, if we’re done for now I have a date in two hours. I can drop you off somewhere, Dean, on my way out.”

“Uh, no. I’ll call Sam. I wanted to talk to Cas privately anyway before I go.”

***

Dean followed Cas to his bedroom, closed the door behind him and looked around. It was neat, as he had expected any room Cas lived in to be; even the bed was made tough there was a gift bag and some tissue paper next to it, probably from where Cas had opened up a gift the other day.

“So… what is it that you wanted to talk to me about, Dean? Just know that no matter what you say to me, one, we are not having sex, and two, we’re not making up or getting back together now that Anna has shown her crazy off in full force and turned on you. And three, I’m worn out, so this chat isn’t going to last long. I need to rest.”

“I don’t expect anything from you, I didn’t even really expect you to talk to me after what happened the last time. But I just — I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Dean sat on the bed next to Castiel and looked out of the window. “For everything. Leaving like I did and not answering your calls or texts. For Anna and cheating and not being adult enough to come out and tell you when it happened. For not talking to you before it happened.”

“And for saying our relationship and I were just a phase,” Castiel added when Dean fell silent.

Dean looked quickly to Castiel, his brows furrowed as he shook his head. “I didn’t say that. I wouldn’t say something like that. Anna was a phase. Definitely, but we weren’t. I was set on spending the rest of my life with you. I never thought of you as a phase.”

“You said it, Dean. Loud enough that my brothers surely heard it. But I’m not arguing that point with you. You were drunk. I was drunk-ish, we might have had a misunderstanding or something. Doesn’t matter.” Castiel reached back and crammed the tissue paper into the gift bag. “I accept your apology.”

Dean was poised to say something else but his phone beeped, alerting him to a text. “Sam’s here, so I guess I better —”

“Yeah. I’ll text you tomorrow after I talk to Victor and let you know what he says. Or rather I’ll get Michael to call you and let you know how it goes.”

Dean nodded and looked for a second like he was going to hug Cas or kiss him, but he just put a hand on his shoulder and patted it for a second, the hesitation in his movements clear, and crossed over to the door.

“Bye, Cas.”

“Goodbye, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags might be changing or added soon, so watch for that.
> 
> Thanks, everyone for reading. Your comments about the story and its characters really make my day!
> 
> This is unbeta'd and all mistakes are my own.


	12. Against The Wind

_It seems like yesterday_  
_But it was long ago_  
Bob Seger- Against The Wind

 

_May, Ten months later_

Cas sat on the side of the bed and squinted at the dark outside of the window. Only the irritatingly dim glow of the streetlight lit the night and the bedroom, making it nearly impossible to make out the Roman numerals on his watch, or to navigate through the darkened bedroom to find the clothes he’d discarded in haste an hour or two before. The room was a mess, it was hard to distinguish clothes from towels from sheets and anything else that littered the floor.

College kids.

Luckily though his first find was his jeans, and in the pocket his cell phone, which provided a small amount of light that helped him find and slip into the rest of his clothes. The figure in the bed behind him stirred and Cas froze, hoping if he stayed quiet that this would be a clean getaway.

“Hey, guy — _Chrisss_ ,” came a sleepy voice completely unsure of his name, muffled by the mattress he was still pressed face down into. “Where’re you going?”

Fuck.

Cas crept softly back to the bed and whispered against a head full of dark curls as he smoothed them lightly, comfortingly, back. “Shh, go back to sleep. I have to run. I’ll call you.”

There were soft snores before Cas even finished talking and he was grateful. He really didn’t want to do a walk of shame in the morning from wherever they had ended up. He had done that once and had run into the roommates, of which there were three, and had to answer six hundred questions and hear about the noise they had made and about the paper thin walls.

It had been as though he was twenty and being admonished for a one night stand, except they thought they were funny and had even offered Cas some cereal and weed. He had refused, of course, and left, swearing off one night stands forever because that was mortifying. His first was his last. For the next three days, anyway.

That was months ago. After a few dates with Patrick and a few dates with Victor, both potential relationships failures, he knew then that he was trying to jump into something with strings too fast. He had been settled down, in love, happy at work, a homeowner and talking about adopting a child in June.

By July his long-term partner had left him, his boss was insane, he had quit his job, moved in with his brother, was almost killed, and had almost sent his ex to prison for it, was working as a daytime bartender (a mediocre one) for the brother he mooched a room from already. Everything was going bad too fast, he felt like he had no control over anything anymore.

Except for this.

One of his customers had been using the hookup application on his phone and had shown Cas how it worked. Cas had signed up for fun at first, just to see who would flirt with him, but the sheer volume of messages he had when he checked that night was overwhelming. And damn if it didn’t make him feel attractive and wanted. Right now he really needed that.

That was how it started. One random date on the app led to his very first one night stand and after that, the ‘no strings’ thing had been too tempting to pass up. For a few hours, he could pretend he was going to get the affection he desired. Sometimes he did. Sometimes there were cuddles. Most of the time though — most of the time he was tiptoeing out of a strange bedroom at three a.m.

Tonight, however, he was early. It was just a little after one when the taxi he called came to the end of the street to pick him up. He gave the guy his address, Gabriel’s address, and for the length of the hour-long ride back to Lawrence, mindlessly played one of the games he had downloaded to his phone.

Tomorrow he wasn’t going to do anything. No work, no job searching on the internet, no random hookups via the app. Just lazily doing nothing. Maybe some drinking and doing nothing, and one little date. That really didn’t take much effort.

The lights of a twenty-four-hour convenience store ahead of them caught his attention and made him look up.

“Hey, can you stop there before we get to my house?”

The taxi pulled to the front of the store and Cas told the driver to leave the meter running and got out. The very beginnings of a hangover were already starting to pulse through his body and pound at his temples now that he had found the bright lights, so he wasn’t drunk, not anymore, but he was going to be because he’d be damned if he suffered through a hangover on the tiny cat nap he’d had.

Cas wanted real sleep, at least four hours of it. Sometimes he thought that was the only way he could get to sleep the few hours his body had decided to allow him. Tomorrow was a Sunday anyway, he didn’t have work and there was no reason he couldn’t lounge around and wallow in his hangover once it got him.

He picked up several snacks, most in the salty, chip and dehydrated meats category but there was a pack of mini powdered donuts that he’d already broken into perched precariously on top of the other packages he held in one arm. What he wanted really was behind the counter, sweet sweet vodka, but beer was a nice cool chaser to soothe the throat from the pleasant vodka burn.

Tried and true worked the best, and he opened the cooler door to grab a six-pack — eh, who was he kidding? — a _case_ of the beer he was snuggling with tonight.

“Is that teriyaki beef jerky?”

Cas almost dropped everything he was holding. This wasn’t happening. Not now. Why couldn’t Dean have come up behind him earlier when he was dressed to impress and not looking like he was crawling home from a one night stand? Well, he was, but Dean didn’t need to know that. Almost, what, a year since they had even been in the same room together? His eyelids fluttered as he composed himself, and he grabbed a six pack of beer from a shelf, turned and handed it to Dean with a smile.

“I like teriyaki jerky,” Cas saw the genuine smile on Dean’s face when their eyes met, and for two seconds he felt like he could smile back at him and be alright with just smiling back at him and not remember Dean’s aversion to the jerky but bringing it home for Cas just because. He couldn’t.

God, was he still not over this relationship?

The case he had set down before he picked back up and walked around Dean, who was still standing there looking at him and made his way to the front counter. Dean was walking behind him, grabbing a few things from the shelves as he passed by, but nearly keeping up with Cas.

“So, is that your cab out there?” Dean asked. “Is your car broken? I can take a look at it, you know.”

“My car is fine, it’s at home. I planned to drink when I was out earlier so it was just easier to call one from the beginning.”

As he spoke, Cas was placing his snacks on the counter to be rung up and bagged. He made his request for the fifth of raspberry flavored vodka behind the counter as he dug his wallet out of his back pocket.

“Pint of Jack while you’re back there,” Dean said, his things in a pile on the counter behind Cas’ as he pulled out a debit card. “Just ring it all up together.” Cas looked at him and went to protest, but Dean held up a hand. “I got it, Cas.”

Everything bought and paid for, Cas still looked at Dean strangely, wondering why he was suddenly paying for his things like they had a joint bank account and the money he had was theirs. But, Cas grabbed the bags and Dean grabbed the beer and the pair walked out together and stood between the two vehicles they had come in.

Dean took his bag from Cas and put it along with his beer in the back seat of his car, still awkwardly holding on to Cas’, looking like he had things he wanted to say. “How’ve you been, Cas? It’s been — forever since we’ve seen each other.”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen you since — since that day at Victor’s office. Yeah.” Cas was feeling just as awkward as Dean looked, and that hangover he had was making itself well known in his head. “Good. I’ve been good. Still job hunting. Living with Gabriel. Nothing too exciting. How about you?”

“Uh, same old, pretty much. Working. I’m living behind Benny’s, in the guest house. For now. Until I find something I like.” Dean was stabbing at the ground with the toe of his boot. “Oh, I just got back from Cali a few days ago. Jess, she’s — her and Sammy are going to be parents.”

“Oh yeah, Gabriel told me about that the other day,” Cas smiled, shifting his bag to the other hand. “That’s really great. I’m happy for them.” Jesus Christ, this was beyond weird. Cas reached out and took his case from Dean. “I’m gonna go. It’s late and — long night. It was good running into you. And thanks, you know,” he held up his bag of goodies.

“Let me take you home. I pass right by Gabriel’s on my way.”

“Dean,” Cas shook his head and laughed a little as he rubbed his eyes, he knew that was coming. It would have shocked him if Dean hadn’t made the offer. “That’s why you bought my stuff? You thought maybe it would soften me up enough that you could take me home and get me into bed?”

“What? No.” Dean looked a little surprised, and a little offended. “No. I just thought it’d be nice to pretend for a little while. That we’re friends. That maybe our stuff really was together and we’re taking it back home and eating it together. I just — wanted a small taste of what we used to have. I saw you tonight and I felt — feel — I miss us sometimes. I miss you sometimes. I know we’re over, and I know I did it. ”

That Cas wasn’t expecting to hear. The sudden confession wasn’t very Dean-like and truthfully, one of the things Dean avoided like the plague. Cas searched Dean’s face thoughtfully. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew this was a bad idea, it could result in bad things, and he didn’t mean sex. There were worse things than that. Good conversation. Slipping right back into that easy companionship he shared with Dean.

“Fine,” Cas turned to the front passenger door of the cab and pulled out his wallet to pay the guy. ”You can drive me home, Dean. But that’s it. Just a ride home so you can enjoy my company one last time. As long as you don’t say I was a phase this time.”

Dean was already putting their stuff in his backseat. “Cas, don’t start that again. I told you, I don’t even remember saying it, and I sure as hell didn’t mean it.”

The cab was pulling away and Castiel was rolling his eyes and walking around to the passenger side of Dean’s car, only to have Dean run around him to open the door and close it after Cas had gotten in. He’d forgotten that Dean did things like that. So much bad in so little time made all the good easy to forget, or at least not think about.

Being in the Impala after all this time was the strangest thing. The interior hadn’t changed, the smell was the same, even the sound the leather seats made when Dean climbed in and took his place behind the wheel hadn’t changed. And Cas was positive, as the engine roared to life, that the Bob Seger tape that was playing was the same one that had been in the last time they’d rode together.

It couldn’t have been in there that long though. Sam was driving it for the two weeks that Dean was in jail while they cleared him for good, to make sure one of the drugging mess could come back and haunt him later. Sam was more of a fan of the 90’s post-grunge, new punk emo type bands than the classic stylings of Bob Seger, or maybe Jess had succeeded in getting him hooked on country music by now. And Anna, well, he was sure Anna had gotten Dean to listen to something more current and more poppy. She was a trendy girl.

“So,” Cas started, dragging the word out a little. “What’s going on with you and Anna now? Are you waiting patiently for her like a good boyfriend? Maybe trying to get her a weekend furlough?” After he had heard the judge pass down her twenty-four-month sentence, he had walked out of the courtroom and tried not thinking of her again. Until right now, that is. He couldn’t help it. He could imagine her having sex in this car with Dean — that was one of Dean’s kinks, on it or in it, it was his thing. Cas would know, he’d lost his virginity right there in the backseat. Come to think of it, Bob Seger had been playing. _Against The Wind_ at a very crucial moment. The soft music didn’t make him any less nervous, but it had made him feel more at ease. And it had also earned Bob Seger a very special place in his heart and in their relationship.

…was that why Dean was listening to this?

The radio clicked off suddenly and Cas was thrown out of his thoughts and turned his head to Dean in surprise. Dean was pursing his lips, glancing at Cas out of the corner of his eye, clearly keeping his mouth shut and tongue in check. Cas had almost forgotten that he had asked Dean a question a second before but by the look he was getting from his ex his words had stung when they had landed. Cas has a right to be mean, considering he was the injured party here. He shouldn’t feel bad that a few words made Dean feel bad. Boo-hoo.

Except he did feel bad. Goddamnit. As cruel as Dean had been, in the end, he had almost lost his freedom to help Cas get a semblance of justice. And he was a victim too. They had found out she had been drugging Dean a little here and there just before their affair had started. It hadn’t explained or excused hat Dean had done, and he hadn’t tried to blame the drugs, but it explained some of the out of character things he had done. At least Cas thought so. Wishful thinking, maybe.

“Sorry,” he glanced over at Dean and then back out his window. “Bastard comes easily to me lately.”

With the exception of the road beneath the tires, there was silence in the car, and Cas just kept his head turned, watching the familiar images of things he drove past daily, swirl and blur and become unrecognizable as they left them behind in the shadows of the dark night.

“When someone tries to frame you for felony assault, it kinda dampens your feelings for them,” Dean didn’t look back at Cas when Cas’ head turned to him but had the faintest hint of a smile as he continued. “She writes to me pretty much daily, sometimes more. Once I got twenty letters from her in a weeks time.”

“Why does she — what do they say?”

“I dunno. I opened one when she first started writing and it was just her making plans with me when she got out. Michael told me not to open any more and to put them all in a big envelope and save them, in case I needed them later.”

“How did she get your new address? You’re not worried that she has your new physical address?”

“P.O. Box. That’s where I get my mail. But she knows everything else about me anyway, so I dunno. I’ll get a restraining order or something if she fucks with me when she gets out.”

“She’s crazy. And you replaced me with her, so that says a lot about you.” Cas said it mostly under his breath, and only part of him realized that he said it out loud, but Dean said nothing. Apparently, Dean was good at bringing out the worst in him.

Gabriel’s building loomed in front of them as Dean turned his car into the parking lot, steered into a spot and turned it off. It was another of the four his brother owned in their town, and another that he only used one floor of. The first floor was even emptier than the upstairs at his bar.

Without saying anything to him, Dean got out of the car and again made his way to Cas’ side and opened the door for him, and proceeded to the back to pull Cas’ things out.

“Thanks for the ride,” Cas said, looping his hand through the handles of his bags and smiled at Dean. “You want to come up? I can be meaner once I have some alcohol in me.”

Dean gave a little smile, looked up at the building and then back at Cas, holding out his case of bottles to him. “Nah, I think I’m at my insult quota for today. It’s late, I’m tired. But maybe I can take you to dinner or something Friday. McDonald's.”

“Aw, our place. Tempting, I could throw alls at you in the ball pit, but I have a date on Friday,” he lied. “Maybe Saturday?”

“Alright, sounds good,” Dean said. “Call me and let me know.”

There hadn't even been a flash of disappointment, and Cas didn't know if he should be upset or not by that. “Sure. Goodnight, Dean.”

“ ‘Night, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, but I wrote and rewrote this chapter three times before I decided to do the time jump. It's kind of a mellow, easy going chapter and I hope this answers most of the questions that might have been lingering. If not, just ask.
> 
> Still unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine.


	13. The Older I Get

_I'm just getting older, I'm not getting over you_  
_I wish it didn't hurt like this_  
_It's been way too long for the times we missed_  
_I can't believe it still hurts like this_  
Skillet- The Older I Get

Seeing Cas never got any easier. Tonight wasn’t the first time Dean had seen him — shit, it was a small town, Dean saw Cas at least once a week — but tonight was the first time he hadn’t turned quickly and made a beeline back to his car and got the hell out of there. Tonight he had swallowed his nerves and approached. The sleepy bed hair and the white powder from the donut he was eating lingering on his chin had been so cute and so Cas that Dean couldn’t resist.  
  
He should have though. He should have resisted the urge to talk to him. He should have resisted the urge to drive him home just so he could spend an extra ten minutes with Cas. The two of them even sharing awkward silence in the same room was a bad thing, what had happened tonight was a nightmare. Oh yeah, he had seen Cas and talked to him, but Dean also saw how angry at him Cas still was. Dean didn’t blame him. Cas was a lot nicer about everything than he would have been.  
  
Arriving home, or Benny’s as it were, Dean, parked his car in the yard near next to the garage. Everything here was still and quiet, except, of course, the low humming noise the mosquitoes made as they flew by looking for a patch of bare skin to land on to get their fill of the rich, crimson Mojito that flowed through your veins. Dean wasn’t sure why he expected the sounds of the day to be here and keep him company tonight, but the artificial silence that was all around him was almost deafening.  
  
It really made him feel even more alone than he knew he was. At least in the evenings when the girls were running around in the yard like little crazy people and Benny’s wife Andrea was chasing along behind them, he could ignore the hollow feeling he had in his gut.  
  
If things hadn’t gone sideways between he and Cas last year, they might be parents right now. Cas was a big advocate of adoption being adopted himself, and he had believed that everything had fallen into place for them. They were doing well financially — not wealthy by any means, but they hadn’t wanted for anything and their bills were paid — they were homeowners, settled in a long-term, loving relationship. It had all felt right to Cas, the perfect time to share their lives and their love with a little boy or girl that didn’t have what they could offer.  
  
Back then Dean wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure if he would _ever_ be ready. The thought of being a dad had scared the shit out of him, and in part, he blamed that fear for being the thing that had shoved him into Anna’s ready and willing arms. Sure she had hit on him a few times when they were all out together, even pinched his ass once or twice when they were shooting pool, but when he had first met her he hadn’t even looked twice at her. Cas was beyond anything he could ever want or need, other people never even factored after he had met Cas.  
  
But that night - that first night with her - he had been questioning himself. Questioning his life, his ability to be a decent parent. She had just happened to be at the bar that night, had listened when he talked, paying rapt attention to every word he had said and offering him advice like ‘maybe he was still too young to think about being a dad, hell, maybe he had a lot of seeds to sow before that happened’; ‘Did he even want to be in a relationship like he was or for as long as he was or was it just easy and all he had ever known?’ Was he even bisexual or had his lover just been a one-time thing who he liked talking to?’  
  
Dean knew he couldn’t blame everything on Anna, he was a very active participant, but he did blame her for a few of the ideas she put in his head. Now he had virtually nothing anymore and had almost gone to prison because she was a psycho. Not the wild and crazy he had thought he thoroughly enjoyed, but really - a bad fucking person.  
  
“Hey, brother,” a voice sounded just seconds before the motion detection lights were triggered revealing Benny in all his bath-robed, t-shirt and pajama pants wearing glory, coming out of the side door of his house. “I thought I heard your car.”  
  
Dean nodded his head in greeting and hopped up on the hood of his car, pulling two beers out of his bag. He uncapped them both and held one out to Benny. “Yeah, just getting back from a beer run.” He rubbed his now free hand over his face and took a drink from his bottle as Benny joined him and leaned against the side of the car. “Ran into Cas.”  
  
Benny pulled a face and sipped his beer, not looking directly at Dean. “Yeah? How was that?”  
  
“It was — it _was_. Awkward. Gave him a ride home. Don’t know why I offered or why he accepted.” Dean took a long draw of his drink and breathed out a sigh. “He hates my guts.”  
  
“Aw, now come on Dean. I wouldn’t go that far. Hate’s a strong word, and it’s been a long time, everything that happened is — maybe not exactly in the past, but the hate probably dimmed some by now.” Benny said. He’d been around for the whole thing and had seen Dean at his best and worst. Right now felt like one of those in-between moments. He wasn’t sure how he’d act if his marriage ever came to an end like that, but he’s positive that he’d be a mess. Yeah, of course Dean was acting blase a lot of the time, but he knew better. “You okay?”  
  
“Screw up after screw up. I asked him to dinner.”  
  
Benny did turn his head to him then, a very small hint of surprised, dark amusement playing around his lips. “Why the hell did you do that? What did he say?”  
  
“Dude, it was awkward. It was either say something or kiss him, and I doubt he would have welcomed a kiss so — I just said the first thing that came into my head. But he said yeah. I think. He said he’d call me.” Dean was quiet a second. “It was probably uncomfortable for him too. I don’t expect him to call.”  
  
“And if he does? You gonna go?”  
  
“Hell no. That was just a ten-minute ride, I can imagine what an actual hour or two would be like. Cas would insult me and I would take it because I fucking know I deserve it. Then somehow a song that relates to our goddamn past would play and make everything ten times tenser, make Cas feel meaner, insult me more. By the time dinner was over I’d want to drive my car off a bridge. So no. No date with the ex. I’m not even answering my phone if he calls.”  
  
As Dean said his last words, his phone began to ring I his pocket. Benny couldn’t help chuckling, which turned into laughter at the look on Dean’s face as he looked at the screen. God, he was a bad friend.  
  
“It’s Cas.”  
  


***

Cas trudged up the stairs to the apartment slowly. Gabriel wasn’t at home yet, which meant he was either still at the bar working or he had gone elsewhere to get lucky. Gabriel had been doing that a lot more lately and it made Cas wonder if his brother might be keeping a budding relationship a secret. He couldn’t really blame Gabriel though, not after he’d lived through the things that Cas had gone through when his had ended. It had been a nightmare, and one he was glad was over.

The short interaction he’d had with Dean tonight had left him — he believed — completely sober and glad that he was alone. And he didn’t feel like drinking himself into oblivion anymore. Everything he’d just bought went straight into the refrigerator, the case of beer, the bag, all of it, was just crammed into the refrigerator and forgotten about for the moment.

That had happened. There was nothing that he could come up with in his mind that made taking that ride from Dean seem logical or make it something a reasonable person, like he used to be, would do. He knew he should have just gotten back in his cab, flipped Dean off and rolled away. There was a part of him, well, a lot of him, that had seen Dean and just wanted to fall into his arms and forget that ad things had ever happened.

But bad things _had_ happened. Really bad things. He couldn’t just forget that or let it go. He’d almost been killed for crying out loud. He’d lost his job and his home and — everything he had worked so many years for, all because Dean decided he wanted to have a mid-life crisis a decade early. There wasn’t any way to excuse that. Cas had to remember that. He had to tell himself that every time he thought about him, or thought about calling him, or when he saw him in convenience stores late at night.

The shower he took helped sober him up more and cleansed any imagined traces of whatever that guy’s name was from his body, and washed away the white donut powder on his face that no one had told him was there, but that was all it had done. The encounter with Dean was still a real thing, it had happened. Stupidly, he wished it had been longer, that maybe he’d thrown fewer insults. That Dean would have let that Bob Seger song play a little longer.

He sat in his window seat and stared at the empty street below, hypnotized by the blinking of the yellow light cautioning drivers to yield and humming low to himself. As he was sitting there, replaying the last hour again in his mind, Cas realized that the dinner date with Dean was something he wanted to do. At first, he was just going to ignore it, not call. He wanted to see Dean again. He wanted a chance to be nicer. They could talk. Catch up like old friends. People did that, didn’t they? Exes were still friends?

Was one half of the former couple still in love with the other one though?

No, that couldn’t work out. He couldn’t see Dean. Not unless there was some - emergency he had to have Dean around for. There weren’t any he could think of though. There was absolutely no reason to ever see Dean again. Sure they lived less than four miles apart, but that didn’t mean anything and it didn’t mean they couldn’t ignore each other when they did happen to run into each other somewhere.

Before he even realized it, his phone was in his hands and Dean’s number was dialed. What was he doing? Cas didn’t have a chance to rethink it or hang up, Dean answered sounding surprised by the third ring.

“Cas? Something wrong?”

“Yes. No, I mean. Nothings wrong. I just -” Cas sighed in lieu of words. “I don’t know why I called. I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m glad you called. I was just talking about you.”

“That couldn’t have been a nice conversation.” Cas gave a small, breathy laugh.

“I don’t talk bad about you, Cas. There’s nothing bad to say.”

“I rip your character to shreds every time I talk about you. Not every time. Just to my brothers. And apparently you.”

It was Dean’s turn to laugh. “I’m sure it’s true.”

“No, not really. We had a good run. It was just the very end that was horrifying.”

“I screwed up. That — there’s no coming back from that. We had a great life together and I just —”

“Threw it away for a pair of tits that were on a crazy woman.”

“Yeah. In a nutshell. I’m so-”

“Yeah, Dean, don’t apologize again. I don’t - you don’t have to say it every time we talk. It’s — whatever anymore. I just called to tell you that I wasn’t going to call you later in the week for that McDonald’s thing.”

“I wasn’t gonna answer, so it’s totally fine.”

Cas laughed, ten or so seconds went by before he had breath to find words again. “I hate McDonald’s. And you answered for me anyway, Dean.”

“Yeah, I know you do. The pies though -” Dean paused. “I did answer, didn’t I? Should I hang up?”

“No. You should come over.”

“That’s a bad idea, Cas.”

“My entire life has become one big, bad idea. Why shouldn’t I have angry sex with my ex too?”

“Give me half an hour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think of what happened? I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> As always, no beta. All mistakes are mine.


	14. Never Be The Same

_It's you, babe_  
_And I'm a sucker for the way that you move, babe_  
Camila Cabello- Never Be The Same

 

Cas just stood there with the phone held to his ear, heart racing, a feeling of excitement washing over him. Why in the hell was he excited?

This was a bad idea. Oh, _God_ , this was a bad idea.

The second they hung up Castiel knew that he should call Dean back and cancel the insane plan they had just made because it was crazy. He had barely spoken to Dean since the day they decided to sell their house, so this was just —

A bad idea.

A bad idea, but one he was going to go through with. Why shouldn’t he? Why shouldn’t they? Dean seemed all for it and despite the night he’d had with — still couldn’t remember his name — earlier, his eyes crossed at the thought of Dean without his shirt on. It had become a sight he was accustomed to months ago, one that still amazed him, but now all he had was memories. And he knew that whatever he was imagining couldn’t compare to the real thing.

The real thing was on his way over.

Quickly, Cas picked up and vacuumed his room, straightening the pillows and comforter on his bed even though he knew, that if things went right, they wouldn’t stay neat for long. After debating with himself, he left his bottle of lube in the nightstand for now. Taking it out might make him appear too eager, and that was the last secret he wanted to let Dean in on.

There was always the possibility that Dean could say something wrong and ruin this, but Cas had worked himself up so much at this point that his expectations for conversation were pretty low. Very, very low. All Dean had to do was show up and shut up, and he would get lucky.

That half hour came and went with no sign of Dean. Had he gotten cold feet? Thought better of this? Talked himself out of it? It wasn’t very smart, but experience told Cas that it would be the most pleasurable stupid thing he had ever done before, so despite his brains reservations, his southern region was all in. And some of the east and west as well.

Just when he had picked up his phone to call Dean, he heard the all too familiar rumble of the Impala as it sped into the parking lot below. Twenty minutes late wasn’t too bad. At least he had shown up. Cas was determined though not to look too eager as a sudden case of nerves hit him hard as he sat down on the chair next to his bed.

***

Dean didn’t give a shit about appearing overeager; he _was_. After he’d gotten off the phone with Cast earlier, he’d blown right past Benny without a word to get himself showered and ready for what he was about to do.

He had always been a sexual being; extremely sexual. Before Cas, he had admittedly been a little bit of a man whore, but he had changed his ways when he decided that he didn’t want to take Cas’ virginity and run. He was smitten from the first second he had laid eyes on him. If he and Cas hadn’t done it at least every other day when they were together (before Anna), one of them was sick, and those days he could count on both hands.

As of right now, the last person he had any kind of sexual contact with was that blowjob from that friend of Andrea’s in his apartment five or six months ago. It was — meh — at best. He had more fun at home by himself later. Point is that in Dean years it was a decade since he’d had some mind-blowing or even a little less than pleasing sex, and he felt every moment of it.

If Benny hadn’t held him up by holding his keys and demanding he talk to him and think about what he was doing he would have been here on time. Dean wasn’t changing his mind no matter what Benny pointed out to him — admittedly he did have decent points — but when Cas had invited him over for sex, Dean’s upper head had been shoved out of the way by his lower and he wasn’t using the brain to think anymore.

Sorry guy.

He scanned the parking lot for Gabriel’s car as he walked to the building, and upon seeing only Cas’ in the lot, hurried up the stairs and to the door. There, Dean hesitated, but only briefly, and gave the red metal door three quick raps and waited.

It seemed like an eternity had passed before Dean heard the chain sliding out of place and the rest of the locks being undone. If he had any second thoughts about this, now was the time to make a run for it, but the thought of leaving wasn’t appealing. He wanted what was on the other side of that door and what was on the other side of the door was beautiful. Messy hair and full, pink lips that were always turned up just a smidge at the corners, as if Cas always had a secret joke that he wasn’t telling. If his eyes got any bluer -

“Hello, Dean,”

Dean nodded, mouth gone dry, as he silently held out the flower he had plucked from the grass by his car at Benny’s. It was better than showing up empty-handed or throwing a beer at Cas. And besides, Cas loved those things. The name escaped Dean, but every time Cas had seen one he would bend and pick it, closing his eyes to make a wish before he blew the little white feathery looking things away. To him, it was always just a stupid weed, and he’d said it millions of times, but now when he saw them he thought of how much Cas liked them. Dean remembered how impatient he had been to go nowhere most of the time, not stopping at all to enjoy the little things when he could have.

“A dandelion,” Cas said, his smile genuine as he took the white flower from Dean and stepped out of the door to the landing. “I haven’t thought of one of these in months.”

“I see ‘em all the time.” Dean shrugged as he watched Cas purse his lips and close his eyes presumably to make his wish. Cas took a deep breath in and gently exhaled and blew the tiny, white seeds into the night air.

Dean could have stood there and watched them blow around for as long as they stayed in sight, but he was far more taken by the dark haired man next to him and his eyes returned to Cas, whom he had noted pocketed the long green stem the dandelion had been on.

Cas stepped back inside and turned back to Dean, still standing in the same spot since he arrived. “Did you come here just to romance me or -”

Before he could even finish what he was saying Dean had moved quickly and closed the space that was between them, pressing their bodies together, kissing Cas so hard and without warning that he was pushed into the wall behind the door. The sudden weight of Dean and the unexpected kiss left Cas breathless, his mouth parted slightly, just enough to allow Dean’s tongue to slip inside.

The kiss became frenzied and desperate, each seeking to get what their bodies knew they had been missing — a taste and a feel of each other — two sets of hands were tugging at clothes, shirts, trying to remove them with Dean finally breaking from Cas’ mouth to slip off the blue flannel that he wore over his t-shirt.

Once they were separated it was clear that Dean had the upper hand for a moment, and he sunk straight to his knees, dying for a sight he hadn’t seen in almost a year. He lowered the waist on Cas’ pajama pants a little, his thumbs exploring the small amount of flesh on the slender, perfect body that he revealed, coming to a rest on Cas’ hip bones.

“Jesus fuck, it’s hotter than I remember,” Dean massaged one side with his thumb, while he licked and sucked the other side, drawing a small gasp from Cas. He moved to give the other side the same treatment, shivering when his chin brushed against Cas’ still cloth covered erection when he moved. “Daddy’s home, boys,” he grinned, sucking the warm flesh gently into his mouth, hoping to leave a bruise.

“Phase my ass,” Cas breathed, but Dean looked up sharply when he heard the whispered words. Cas took the opportunity to take Dean’s chin in hand and guide him up, kissing him again, reaching down into the back of Dean’s jeans. He unbuttoned them with one hand and stroked firmly down his ass, making to delve a finger inside but he was stopped. “You came prepared. Is that a plug I feel?” Cas kissed Dean again not waiting for an answer and removed his hands from his body. “Bedroom. And leave it in, for now.”

***

It was mid-afternoon when Cas awoke, still sore from the night before. Dean was snoring softly in the bed beside him, the sheets and pillows that had been on the bed at the start now littering the floor around them. There was no way he could blame alcohol for any of that; he was fully aware of what they were doing and was up for doing it all again later. If he let Dean stay again, anyway. That was still up in the air.

That bubble butt was gorgeous. Everything above and below that bubble butt — the freckles, the bowed legs — was gorgeous. Dean was going to bruise though, finger-shaped almost purple marks decorated the unblemished tan skin, his shoulders, and hips especially, where Cas had gripped him tightly as he pulled Dean back to meet his every thrust. 

It would have served Dean right if Cas had sent Dean packing after he’d fucked him instead of letting him fall asleep here. But he didn’t have the heart to make him go, and there was also the bit of him that didn’t want Dean to go, that was giddy at the idea of waking up to his green-eyed Adonis. And Cas hadn’t been disappointed. While not exact, the sight was a familiar one and he loved this. He loved —

His Adonis needed breakfast.

Cas pulled Dean’s discarded t-shirt on over his pajama pants, stopping to drop a featherlight kiss to Dean’s bare ass cheek and opened his door, trying to remember if there was milk in the refrigerator or not when he saw it. Dean’s flannel, the one they had abandoned by the front door and had forgotten about until just now, hanging on his doorknob.

Crap.

***

Cas had almost decided to wake Dean and go to a diner for breakfast instead of cooking anything. He really didn’t want to hear Gabriel today about Dean or to hear the put-downs and predictions that he was sure would follow the passive aggressive flannel left on the door. Gabriel could have simply put I on the couch or on the coat rack they never used, but he had chosen to put it in a place where Cas would know he had seen it. No, Cas didn’t want to hear it, but he wasn’t going to hide either. He was an adult and he lived there too. He paid rent and part of the utilities and had every right to bring home who he wanted.

The coffee was started first because that was the most important way to start the day even if it was almost two now, and he was on his second black cup when Gabriel shuffled all smoosh-faced and yawning into the kitchen. Cas took down a mug for him and set it on the counter, not speaking to or acknowledging him in any other way. Admittedly, he was a little curious about what his brother would say, but he wouldn’t dwell on it or start the conversation. Knowing Gabriel he wouldn’t have to wait long for it.

Gabriel leaned back against the counter and watched Cas cut the tomatoes and onions for his omelet, sipping at the mug of coffee he held between his hands. Hangover didn’t even begin to describe what he had right now. “Soo. Long night, little bro?”

There it was, but Cas turned to him and smirked. “Long and hard. And still going. We just need the sustenance for round two.”

“Just round two?” Gabriel had the good nature to laugh. “I learned things about you this morning that frankly, I would have never guessed, so thanks for the education.” He kept his smile in place until he took another sip of coffee. “That Dean in there or did you find another dude that dresses like a lumberjack?”

“It’s Dean,” Cas was pouring his egg mixture into a pan and didn’t spare Gabriel a look. “He’s still here.”

“Are you back with him? Because you know, that’s stupid. He’s a cheater and he talks — horribly to you, borders on mentally abusive. I still think he might have had something to do with that roofie episode. I mean he figured that shit out fast.” Gabriel saw Cas turn around sharply to face him and didn’t finish what he was saying. “We thought you were done with this and all this time later here you go, jumping right back into it.”

“Our relationship was never like anything you heard him say at the end and it was _never_ abusive. And I got my digs in too. Hell, I’m still getting them in.” Cas was speaking slowly and evenly, the only thing that gave his anger away was the way he fisted the counter behind him so hard that his knuckles had gone white.

“I won’t give you any emotional support when he hurts you this time. None of us will. We did the things we did for him because of you, because you asked, and we really thought we were helping you get him out of your life. He’s toxic, Cas. He probably always has been and it took this for anyone to see it. Now though — and I hate to say it — it’s crystal clear that he wasn’t as serious about you as you were about him. I mean come on, I remember how torn up you were when you proposed and he refused you. He never asked you like he told you he would, and he never made any moves to further your relationship. The house was your idea. Remodeling was your idea. Every vacation you took with him was your idea. When you tried to talk to him about kids he fucking cheated on you and then drove across the country to Sam’s. He —” Cas bid him to lower his voice which had steadily been increasing in volume, and he did. “You were just a placeholder for him, Cas, someone to hold so he wouldn’t be alone until the next best thing came along. And baby brother, you deserve so much better than that.”

“I don’t delude myself, Gabriel. I know that his heart wasn’t in it with me, but last night — I took the only part of him that ever was. It was just sex and I don’t want anything more than that with him.” Cas’ lips were trembling from the lies he was telling and he turned back to the pan on the burner and his overcooked eggs so Gabriel wouldn’t see. He didn’t want Gabriel to know anything anymore. His excitement about maybe getting a friendship and a fresh start with Dean was just something he would have to keep to himself. The 'we' Gabriel had kept saying could only be his other brothers who had all seemed so supportive of anything he did. It was good to know they dicussed him behind his back. “I barely feel anything for him anymore, so you don’t have to preach to me. It meant nothing.”

Dean was sitting on the edge of Cas’ bed pulling his boots on. The smell of coffee had awoken him, but the raised voices he heard had kept him quiet with his ear pressed to the door. Yeah, okay, spying on a private conversation was wrong, but he kept hearing his name, and then he heard the shitty things said about him. It was expected from Gabriel, but it still stung. That guy in there had been his friend at on time, and to hear him saying those thing, harboring a grudge against him — stung. Not as much as what Cas said though.

Dean _had_ deluded himself. He was hoping that maybe in the light of day they could talk about them and where they went bad, and Dean could spend the rest of his life apologizing if Cas would even consider him again. But he was just used. He didn’t know how to feel about that. Had Cas really felt like that? Was this revenge? Making him stupidly feel like maybe — there was a chance of something more than the silence that had grown between them — fuck this.

After he finished tying his boots, Dean wiped the dampness from his eyes and buttoned his flannel up to the neck. He was human, despite his stupidity and flaws, and he didn’t have to listen to any of that defamation of his character. He opened the door noisily, shaking his head when the whispered voices stopped, and marched out of the room to the kitchen. He could play too.

When Cas saw Dean fully dressed stop in the doorway of the kitchen, he paused scraping his ruined breakfast into the garbage can and glanced at him questioningly. He couldn’t have heard them, could he? He’d been asleep before, and he knew Dean slept like the dead.

“Breakfast was a bust. I’ll order us some lunch from the diner down the street. Or I can get dressed and we can go —”

“Nah, I have to go. I didn’t mean to fall asleep here so,” Dean glanced at Gabriel and then back at Cas. “Thanks for the sex last night. I think I got it all out of my system now — anyway it was good to see you again, Cas.” He glanced at Gabriel. “But not you. And leave my brother alone. Cas and I aren’t together anymore so our families shouldn’t be friends.” Dean was hurt and angry and right now he hated Gabriel. “And if you try to sucker punch me again, I will hit back this time.”

Cas was frozen where he was, eyes gone wide as he looked back and forth between Dean and Gabriel, and then at Dean’s back as he walked away from them. The front door slammed and Cas moved to run behind Dean because whatever just happened… Dean had heard them, and he needed to explain. As he got to the door and flung it open the Impala sped by the building, running through the red light.

“I don’t know what was going to happen, but thank you for helping me ruin that and not even giving it a chance.” Cas passed Gabriel in the hallway and paused. “I’m moving out as soon as I find a place. I'll get Michael paid for his services to Dean, and I'll make sure to send you and Lucifer thank you notes for all the support. Or did you want cash too?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sigh.  
> They need Jerry Springer to sort them out.
> 
> Thank you guys for being so great and leaving me such wonderful feedback! I have this outlined, but I do draw so much inspiration from things you want to see happen.
> 
> Not beta read. Grammarly is my BFF.
> 
> PS I love this song. There's a playlist all the way back on Ch. 1 if anyone wants to hear any of the title songs.


	15. With Or Without You

_I can’t live_  
_With or without you_  
U2- With Or Without You

 

“Why don’t you come here for a few months? We have that third room we’re not using, and with your ability and knowledge I’m sure you can get a job here in record time.” Sam tilted his head a little and offered Dean a wan smile. “Plus you can be here when my kid is born. I really want my big brother with me when that happens.”

Three months had passed since he had last seen Cas. Or, well, spoke to him. Dean saw him all the time and he wasn’t tucking his tail and running anymore. The conversation he’d overheard Cas and Gabriel having had cured him of that. He really didn’t know anymore what he was thinking then, but now it was easier because he didn’t think about Cas at all. Not in terms of a relationship with him, anyway. As far as he was concerned that part of his life was over. He’d grieve it and kick himself eternally for fucking it up, but he wasn’t going to revisit it. If only it were that easy.

“I don’t know, Sammy,” Dean looked at his brother on the laptop screen. “You know that place where me and Bobby and Benny and Ash work on cars all the time? Dad kinda put me in charge of running it a few years ago, and as nice as it sounds, I can’t exactly pick up and leave for a few months just because I feel like it.”

Sam leaned in a little closer to the screen, whispering to Dean like there was some big secret he was sharing. “Mom said Dad is driving her nuts being at home all day. He doesn’t even play golf or whatever old people do when they retire, he settles into the couch with the remote and yells at the TV until he decides to go outside and cut the grass or pressure wash something. Anyway, Dad’s not even sixty yet, so he should get more active anyway, and running the shop for a few months wouldn’t hurt him. You remember how much he always loved that.”

John did like to be the boss of everything, and giving him back the shop for a while might make both of his parents happy. It might not be a horrible idea if he went and saw Sam for a few months. Dean really could use a break from Kansas and this town and everything in it. “Maybe. I do kinda need a change of scenery for a little while, and that apartment I leased won’t be ready to move in until Halloween. That would give us a couple of months together.”

Mary Winchester walked behind Sam and for a second Dean blinked and looked closely at his screen towards the pair of swords that hung in a criss-cross behind his brother. Mary was blonde, like Jess and his eyes could have been playing tricks on him, but he was almost positive he had seen his mom. Sam turned his head at the noise that came from behind him. The front door was out of view, but it was clear his parents were there when John had just entered carrying about eight hundred shopping bags. He stopped behind Sam and smiled when he saw Dean face on the laptop, lifting his arms to display all the bags. “Pack mule,” he said to Dean as he continued walking toward a bedroom to rid himself of his burden.

“Yes, they’re here, They got in last night,” Sam’s tone was one that sounded less than thrilled and Dean laughed as Sam whispered conspiratorially at him again. “Mom’s driving me nuts already. She’s insisting on cooking all this weird stuff that I don’t ever remember her making for us. Of course, we didn’t have anything she needed so she sent me and Dad to the all-night grocery store at like, two A.M. She put it all in a slow cooker and it - stinks in here.”

“Oh man, I was going to give you my angry face for not telling me they were there,” Dean said, between chuckles. “But I think you’re being punished enough. Mom eats more disgusting food than you do, she’s on some kind of — “

“Cabbage diet, Dean,” Mary said as she came out of nowhere and sat next to Sam. “I read that it’s healthy too for an expecting mother and her baby.”

“It’ll make her gassy is what it’ll do. Enjoy that visit little brother.”

“She’s already gassy. Two gassy females in one house, I might be the one coming to you Dean.” Sam was laughing as Mary pushed him sideways.

“Your father saw Anna the other day driving past the garage a few times when he went to see Bobby. Did you get my texts? We have pictures. So does Bobby.”

“Wait. Anna is out of jail? I thought she’d be in until April? What happened to that? And why didn’t you tell me, Dean?”

“Mom just told you. It’s only been a few weeks. Michael called me he said her lawyer found some kind of loophole and had her charges reduced, and she got out a day or two after he called me. I’ve got a restraining order, and so does Cas. But she hasn’t tried anything, so I think she learned her lesson. We can’t do anything Mom, not unless she comes in the garage or within however many feet of me.”

“Get on the next plane, Dean. Pack a bag and come on. She’s crazy and I’m not trusting that restraining order crap.”

“We’ll be going back home in a few days, Dean. If you want you can close up hop until then, or let Bobby keep it open until your father gets there.” Mary looked at Sam whose expression had changed to a look of worry, mirroring the one Dean held.

“You’re a drama queen, Sammy. It’s been weeks of nothing. But I’ll drive out tomorrow. Wrap up a few loose ends here and not leave the Impala behind. And I’ll see you in a few days.”

***

The sun was setting as Cas sat at his desk, nose buried in a thick file. He’d finally gotten tired of working as a bartender and went to talk to the new supervisor at his old job at Social Services and gotten his job back. He was amazed that all he had to do was explain why he’d left in the first place to get his job back, but he was thrilled. More money. Steady money. And finally a place of his own. It had taken a bit of searching, and it was a studio that was entirely too close to where Dean lived, but he would deal.

Every time he had seen Dean he had essentially ignored that he was standing near him, and the calls and texts he sent him went ignored, until Dean had blocked him. This was a very adult break up, they had handled it all so well. It was disgusting. A misunderstanding, words he said because he didn’t want Gabriel to know anything, had put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. It didn’t negate what Dean had done to start it, but Cas knew that he had finished it. Knowing that killed him. It might have made him seem weaker, but he wasn’t sure how well he was going to do with it.

And to make that ending so much sweeter, Crazy Pants was out of jail. Jody had come to tell him in person the day it had happened and getting a restraining order had been easy because everything she had done to him was documented. He knew that piece of paper wouldn’t do much to stop her if she came after him — he could ad it up and throw it at her - but with somebody as sneaky as she was, Cas would never see her coming. He hadn’t seen her though, or heard anything from her, but it had only been a few weeks. Someone that crazy and determined wouldn’t just let it go.

Work was a welcome distraction from his life, which was shit. The kids story was sad, extremely sad, and for someone who had just had his sixth birthday he’d seen a lot of homes and none of his fosters good places, mostly people that were callous and in it for the money, but there had been at least two sick twists in this kids life. His office had dropped the ball on this one, and seemed content with letting him get lost in the system. Cas couldn’t though. He hated admitting it, but this little boy reminded him of himself before he had lucked out with the Novak’s. There was no way in hell he could let this kid sink.

It felt like hours had passed since he had started reading the file. Every bone in his shoulders and his back ached from sitting hunched over for so long. It was still early though, according to his watch only an hour had passed, but he was going to go home anyway. This stuff he could read more and take notes at home. He might even have better luck trying to figure out whether he wanted to apply to foster this boy or not from the semi-comfort of his own home. He jammed the folder into his bag and stretched, grabbing his keys before he turned to exit the building.

Cas was stopped before he made it to the elevators, and he blinked several times in surprise before he finally found his words.  
“What are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end; two or three more chapters might do it. Maybe four.  
> Thanks, everyone for sticking around and reading this. I love the enjoyment I felt with all the comments left and I hope the disappointment was minimal.
> 
> No beta, just Grammarly.


	16. Got You (Where I Want You)

_Got you where I want you_  
 _I've got you where I want you_  
The Flys- Got You (Where I Want You)

 

“I swear to _God_ if you bump into me one more time I’m going to lay you out.”

“Yeah? I’d love to see you try. Just because I’m in heels doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass.”

“If either of you starts this shit again I’m going to lay you both out,” Michael had turned about halfway in his seat and was glaring between a toe-tapping Lucifer and a pacing Raphael, sounding more like a father than the older brother he was. His tone was a serious one and not to be questioned, even by his two adult siblings behind him. “Go outside if you want to bicker like children and let the grown ups talk.”

The Novak siblings filled Jody’s small office with their intimidating and large presences. Gabriel and Michael were seated in the two uncomfortable folding chairs near Jody’s desk, while Lucifer and Raphael, the latter of whom had literally just flown in from New York City, stood behind them near the door, Raphael trying her damndest to pace in the small place and get rid of some of her nervous energy.

Castiel had been missing for nearly a full week, and it was only last night that anyone found out about it, and this morning that it was officially reported to the police. So much time had been wasted because Cas had temporarily cut himself off from his siblings until he got his life back into some kind of order. He only texted Raphael and Michael briefly weekly to let him know he was still alive, and they got busy with their own lives and didn’t even flinch on Tuesday when his text didn’t come.

Nearly a week had passed and none of them had even an inkling that their youngest brother was missing, and so far without a trace. The report to the police was made today, but last night they were involved, looking for him and finding nothing.  
“Look, I know this is a stressful situation and you’re all strained, but it’s not going to help anything if I have a bunch of battered and bleeding Novak’s fighting to the death in my office. After we find your brother, you can kill each other and I won’t arrest anybody. But right now, let’s concentrate on Cas.”

Jody was trying to be as diplomatic as possible and talk to them all as one and not tell any of them to shut up, but the frustration at them all could be seen plainly on her face as she spoke to them, chewing aspirin from a large bottle that sat on her desk like they were the antacid Tums.

“Okay Jody, Balthazar called me yesterday afternoon, said he had been trying to get in touch with Cas for three days. They were supposed to meet for lunch on Monday when he was in town, but he technically hadn’t heard from him since the Thursday before.” Gabriel, who had been uncharacteristically quiet the entire time had spoken, talking again, robotically about the phone call he’d received the day before. He looked destroyed. His face was stubbled and red and blotchy like he’d been crying or had missed a few nights of sleep.

“So, none of you have spoken to or heard from Cas since Thursday,” Jody said mostly to herself while she scribbled something on the pad in front of her, and then looked at Gabriel. She needed to get this down officially even though Michael had told her and the police had been involved since last night. “And what did you do after you talked to Balthazar?”

“Called Cas twice. Texted him three or four times. I thought he might be busy at the moment and gave him a half hour to return my text or my call. Nothing. I didn’t really think too much about it because he’s been ignoring my calls randomly for a few months now so I called Lucifer last night when I got home. About uh, seven.” Gabriel swiped his hand over his face and let out a long breath. “I didn’t know until then that Anna was out of prison. If I’d known earlier -”

Raphael laid a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder and Michael picked up the story. “Castiel’s supervisor said that he’s called out sick for the past few days. Since Friday. He’s not calling or answering for any of us. He’s not showing up to lunch dates with his closest friend, calling in sick to work. Nobody has seen him or actually heard from him in days, Jody. He’s missing.”

“And Anna - her getting released just before the man she tried to kill goes missing can’t be a coincidence.” Lucifer looked almost as wrecked as Gabriel.

“Okay, boys. And lady,” Jody stood with some papers in her hands. “I helped Castiel and Dean get restraining orders against Anna a few weeks back, and I issued the notices to Anna, personally. At the time she was moving,” She looked down through her stack of papers. “She was moving to Lebanon - that’s in Kansas, but it’s three hours away from here I think, so it's in a totally different jurisdiction. We’ve alerted the police force there, I’m in contact with the sheriff, but so far they haven’t seen her. It could be for any reason, but they’re watching her house.”

She continued. “And before anyone asks, we’ve looked at Dean, too. He’s in California and has been since Thursday afternoon. Cas was seen all day on Thursday at work. We haven’t alerted any of them to the fact that Cas is missing, but we’ve been to his business and Bobby Singer and a few of the guys all say the same thing: Dean’s been gone and John’s coming back in a few days. We’re going to look into Dean more officially and talk to him, but as of right now, he doesn’t look like he had anything to do with this.”

“We should — should we get him back in town to be questioned? Maybe Cas followed him up there and they’re being hush hush about it.” As soon as the words left his mouth Gabriel knew he was wrong, and the ‘what the fuck?’ look he got from Michael told him the same thing.

“I’m not even sure where in California Dean is, but it’s presumably wherever Sam lives,” Michael said, glancing at Jody who nodded. “Maybe call the sheriff there and have them go and talk to Dean. Let them handle that while we work on this.”

***

The room was fairly big and wall to wall concrete, no windows anywhere to let in a little sunlight to make it easier to see or to take the ever-present chill away. Complete darkness was his new reality, and Cas had no idea how many days or weeks had passed with him there. His watch and phone had been taken from him almost immediately when he’d been thrown into the trunk and brought here.

He could hear the scuttling noises the scurrying rats and roaches made, some were too close for comfort and even a few times he had felt something run across the are leg that was stretched out before him. He couldn’t get away from it though, none of it. He had known he was handcuffed to something along the wall — he was afraid that it could be a bomb or something rigged to react to his movement — but it wasn’t until that first burst of artificial light hit him that he could see that it was just a pipe and nothing more. Hand and foot chained separately to the pipe, and no amount of trying had been able to work him free of his bonds.

Cas heard the heavy footsteps of an approaching human just seconds before the room was flooded with a dim yellow light from the now swinging bulb in the center of the room. He shielded his eyes from the harshness and suddenness of it, but still squinted out of his left eye — the right was swollen shut — at the man who crossed over towards him. It was the same guy, familiar — tall and bald, muscular, someone Cas would have said was handsome if the circumstances they’d met under had been different — but a stranger at the same time. He had seen this man before, but he wasn’t exactly sure where.

“Hello, Castiel,” he said. He was holding two bottles of water in one hand and what looked to be a vending machine type sandwich in the other. It didn’t matter what kind it was, Cas’ stomach growled at just the sight in hopeful anticipation of the food. The man glanced at it and laughed when he heard the growl. “Yeah, I forgot for the past couple of days, but,” he tossed the sandwich on the floor next to Castiel and moved closer to deposit the bottles and collect the other two next to him. More laughter when he saw Cas draw away from him. “I can live with that.”

“Okay, Cas,” the man was interrupted by the redhead striding into the room holding her phone in the air, probably looking for reception. “Someone finally noticed today that you’re missing, so we have to start working too. If I could get a few bars --”

“Anna,” Cas started. His words were a little muffled because his lips were as swollen and broken as his eye, courtesy of the sandwich guy who apparently enjoyed hitting someone who couldn’t hit back. “I hope you’re not still hung up on Dean. He doesn’t want you because you’re nuts and he doesn’t want me either. He hasn’t taken my calls in months, so this would have all been for nothing.”

“I’m not hung up on him. Believe me, I’m over that. I just really, really hate you both. You ruined my life. You both took away my freedom and sent me to prison. I just want to pay you back. And after we’re done, Uriel and I are going to get married and I’ll have a fresh start.”

Uriel. Robert Uriel. Anna’s lawyer. That’s why he looked so familiar but Cas couldn’t really place him. He was clearly just as crazy as Anna was, or even more since he was the one defending her, knew what she was capable of, and still wanted her.

Anna had walked the length of the room back and forth trying to get a signal on her phone, however she seemed to have no luck and had appeared to give up. She walked over and stood in front of Cas and held up her phone toward him, like she was about to take his picture.

“You look very pretty, Cas. Record for Dean. Tell him you’ve been kidnapped and that to get you back he has to leave Sam’s and start driving toward Missouri. No cops, come alone. We just want him.”

“No.”

“Sweetheart,” Anna looked at Uriel when she spoke and immediately he walked over to Cas and started kicking him in his side.

“No,” Cas said as Uriel stopped, more breathless and pained this time.

Uriel lifted Cas by his shirt collar this time, dragging him up to nearly eye level with him and punched him in his face twice and then dropped him.

“We’ll take that,” Anna turned off the recording on her phone and motioned to Uriel to follow her out. “Better than you talking anyway.”

With that, Cas was left alone again and bleeding, aching and panting, in the dark.


	17. Lovefool

_Reason will not lead to solution_  
_I will end up lost in confusion_  
_I don't care if you really care_  
_As long as you don't go_  
The Cardigans- Lovefool

 

With no sense of time in the darkened room Cas couldn’t really tell how long had passed since Anna and her lawyer Uriel had been there or how much time had passed since they had left to send that video to Dean. Cas was almost sure that he had blacked out once they had left; now his face wasn’t hurting as much as it had when he’d hit the floor and his side was only throbbing. He was sure that his wounds were only superficial wounds; nothing was broken, he wasn’t having trouble breathing. The hits he took stopped hurting after a while.

Clearly, Uriel was erring on the side of caution with him, meaning that hopefully, he had some sense in that massive body of his. That perhaps there was a chance that Cas would walk away from this alive. That was a low possibility and he wasn’t entirely certain about it especially since he could identify them. On that note, Anna didn’t seem to care what he knew and whether she could be identified or not. Now that? That was terrifying. It seemed like after she’d gotten a taste of Dean she lost her mind, not that she was exactly sane to begin with. Who did something like this?

If Cas had the luxury of time he would wonder exactly how long they had been having an affair behind his back. A few weeks of a relationship made this seem implausible. Was there really something that made her obsessive like this or was it just all that was Dean?

Anyway, regardless of how or why or what had really gone on, this couldn’t happen. Cas was determined not to be used like she wanted to use him, for revenge or ransom — he had to figure out how to stop her or end this himself. For all he knew right now enough time could have passed that Dean had seen the video and was already on his way there.

Of course, Dean would come and try to ‘save’ him. Cas knew that. Anna knew that. Surely that’s why she had taken him in the first place. Or in the second place. Cas was sure she wanted to hurt him, too. He was the uncooperative cannon fodder in the twisted love/hate game she was playing with Dean.

The pure blackness of the room was a huge hindrance, obviously, but Cas knew he could stand at his full height somewhat comfortably if he balanced his foot up on the higher part of the pipe that his leg was chained to. It was galvanized and judging from the strength, iron. It wasn’t going to budge, not rooted in the concrete wall like that. He’d tried to pull it from the wall dozens of times, both the pipes his ankle and wrist were shackled to yet it never gave. That or the wrist and leg cuffs.

Anna had really planned for this.

One time he had been so intent on pulling it out that he hadn’t heard the door open or Uriel come in. The moment was a special one; it was the first time his face had learned how strong Uriel’s punches were. Love taps, Uriel had called them. Cas had been so sure his eye socket was broken, it felt like that part of his face had exploded. Thankfully the pain had receded after a little while and only left his cheek tender. The blurred vision was still there and knew it was all swollen all the way down, he could even hear it in the way he talked, but at least it wasn’t broken. Surely it looked worse than it actually was.

Things were critical now. Not that they weren’t before, but Cas had been left alone most of the time he was there. Honestly had just assumed that possibly there was going to be some torture and then it would be over for him, maybe she’d put a bullet in his brain or there was always a chance that she’d be more creative than that. Chances were, he’d assumed, that in the end, he would die. Cas hadn’t realized this about himself before, that he really didn’t care about his own life or death. It wasn’t a death wish, he just actively didn’t care.

Then he hadn’t been thinking about his family being involved in this. What if her vengeance didn’t just end with him? What about Gabriel? He’d gotten in her face at her trial. Michael had defended Dean, had made it his business to see her go to prison after that. And Dean — what about Sam and Jessica? No. None of this could happen.

After he drank some of his water he pocketed the bottle and stood. Standing up was the easy part. It sapped some of his energy just to do that, yet once he got his foot up on the pipe it seemed easier. The pipe ran along the wall to the corner he was in as a single thing, it wasn’t connected at any point making it weaker, more vulnerable in one spot, he had looked when the lights were on, but if he could somehow shimmy… walk — pull some Spiderman wall-walking crap — across the room to where the concrete walls curved inward and disappeared for about six feet before it reappeared there was a possibility that there was something.

It was doubtful, still it was better than nothing. There was also the chance that he’d make it to that spot and find that the pipe just went on unobstructed, but that was just a chance he was going to have to take. The problem was getting over there. The room wasn’t very big, but he had never seen into that curve. There wasn’t a window there, that much was certain. How far back did the concrete go? Was there even floor there?

***

A vacation was tuning out to be just the thing that Dean needed. A break from everyone and everything in Kansas; his business, his friends (as well-meaning as they were), blind dates (there had been two, my God, never, never again). Run-ins with the ex. Just… everything. He felt ensconced by his family, babied a little even, and he was loving every single second of it. Even his dad was the huggy and forehead-kissy type after he’d had a few in him. John was never too rough in handling him or Sam growing up, but the tipsy side of him, his whole family, made Dean feel safe. Like he wasn’t as exposed to the elements as he was before, as he had been since — well, for months. And sue him, he liked it.

The only crappy part of it was that Sam and Jess didn’t have a pool in their lovely modern home. Dean had assumed that pools came standard in backyards in sunny Cali where the weather was nice and moderate every time he’d come for a visit, however he was wrong. Jess had a fix for that, however. Whenever they wanted to use a pool one of her friends that managed a fantastic four-star hotel a few miles away would sign them in as having a room, and access to the pool was granted. Plus it wasn’t the beach. No sand in your butt or little kids running around and disturbing what could be a peaceful beach nap.

Three days of the week that he had been there Dean, Sam and their parents spent the majority of the afternoons lounging in near solitude around the pool in the warm sun. Jess, determined to work until the moment she gave birth, had switched to the day shift at work and couldn’t come. She promised to grab some sunscreen and a floatie and join them on her day off.

John and Mary had left last evening on a flight back to Kansas. Sam and Jess had driven them to the airport and waited with them until they boarded their plane. Dean had been tasked by Sam to get rid of the plastic bowls of cabbage that Mary had left for them in the freezer. God, Dean felt sorry for John. He knew why John was anxious to get back to his old job and out of Mary’s sights for a few hours a day. Even here he had loved when Dean sneaked him a couple of burgers from the In-And-Out Burger down the street.

No lies, it was great having them there, all of them together, but now he was looking forward to the alone time he would get with Sam. His kid brother had passed him up a long time ago in the growing up department. It had sort of been a tie a year or so ago. Around that time his life had fallen apart while Sammy’s only seemed to get better. He wasn’t jealous, not even slightly, but he missed his little brother sometimes. He missed being the one Sam was looking up to. He missed having Sam around. This felt like it would be the only time he would get him alone like this for a very long time, and he was going to take advantage of it.

The next morning brought a groggy, grumpy, hungover Sam and the rare rainfall. “C’mon bitch, get dressed. Half the day is already gone and you’re still sitting here yawning into your nasty ass grape nuts or fiber one or whatever that shit is.”

Sam yawned as he looked at his bowl and rubbed a sleepy eye. “It’s oatmeal, jerk. And it’s only like, nine. So chill out and let me get my bearings. We really hit the bottle hard last night and I don’t have the same recovery rate you do.”

That was true. Dean was wide awake and chipper-ish. He’d been up since four when Jessica was dragging her pregnant ass out of bed to get ready for work. He’d showered, shaved and gotten his breakfast from a drive-thru like any respectable human would. Dean took Sam’s bowl and put it in the sink while Sam protested silently with hand gestures. “Get up. Shower and dress, you’ll feel better. When you get out I’ll give you some aspirin and we can get out of here.”

Begrudgingly and with inhuman slowness, Sam moved and started shuffling down the hall, only moving faster when Dean got behind him and pushed him toward the bathroom.

“Damn, Dean, I’m going,” he wasn’t, really, but he was laughing at the way the carpet tickled his feet as Dean pushed him. And then it started to burn which took the fun out of it. “Where are we going anyway? You must have somewhere really special in mind to be haunting me this early.”

“Dude, I have no idea,” Dean admitted, throwing a towel at Sam. “You said you’d take me sight-seeing like, three years ago when you moved here so… we can do that.”

Sam scratched his head and ran fingers through his hair. “What’s wrong with staying in? It’s raining anyway, so the sights will probably be all muddy and wet, and we can see it all tomorrow. We can stay in, play video games and drink all day. Order pizza for lunch. Have Dean and Sam time like we did when we were younger.” Sam nudged Dean. “It’ll be fun. You can even put your feet on the coffee table and I won’t tell Jess.”

“Christ, you’re whipped.” Dean laughed, sighed and relented, all in the span of three seconds. “Fine. But we’re getting every meat available on the pizza and no green shit. And I’m not giving you any aspirin. Suffer.”

“We’ll get two pizzas. And that’s cool,” Sam made for the bathroom quickly as he yelled back to Dean before he slammed the door, locking it behind him. “I have aspirin in the medicine cabinet.”

As much as Dean had bitched about getting re-used to the controller to the vintage Sega Dreamcast that Sam _still_ had from 2000 and how shitty the graphics were, Dean was zoned out and into the basketball game they were playing within the hour, within three they were kicking at each other and smack talking try to mess the other up in the wrestling game they were playing.

“Can I braid it?”

“What?” Sam asked, only half listening but wholly kicking Dean’s ass.

“Your hair. That man bun looks stupid. I was thinking pigtails. Braided ones. Like that chick from The Wizard of Oz.”

“Dorothy.”

“Or Wendy.”

“Wendy?”

“You know, that fast food chick. Red hair.”

“So lame, Dean.”

“Aren’t you supposed to make dinner, Samantha? Jess left something out defrosting.”

“Yeah, it’s like… meat, maybe. I can’t cook. I dunno. We’ll order.” Sam looked away from the screen as Dean’s Ultimate Warrior juiced up and body slammed his Hulk Hogan, winning the match.

Dean got up and strutted around the living room, dancing to music only he could hear, only stopping when he was directly in front of Sam to flex and pose while Sam rolled his eyes and threw his controller at Dean.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Sam stretched and glanced at the clock. Almost two. “We can give our brains a break for a while and actually order the pizza.”

“Yeah, yeah yeah, sore loser. I’m going to the bathroom. No Titanic or any of that girly crap on that shelf.”

After Dean walked away, Sam selected Deadpool from the movies and put it in, watching the menu on the screen until Dean got back. As he sat in his recliner, Dean’s phone on the table in front of him buzzed once, then again, then again. Sam picked it up and looked at it, thinking maybe it was their mom sending her motivational memes, but the number was a private one.

“Hey, Dean,” Sam called. “You got like, three texts back to back. Private number.”

“Probably Benny or Bobby screwing around,” Dean called back, his voice sounding from the bedroom that he was staying in. “Or Anna being crazy. See what they say.”

Sam opened the message and silently read the texts before he got to the video, rushing out of his seat and calling for Dean loudly as soon as the video started to play. Dean met him in the hallway pulling on a pair of pajama pants as the phone was shoved in his face.

The blood immediately drained from Dean’s face. They both watched Cas being kicked and manhandled, saw his face that had clearly incurred the previous wrath of the hands that held him up and hit him. There was no sound in the video, that had been edited out, but they both knew who had orchestrated this. Without a word to Sam, Dean took the phone to read the texts:

_Find your way to the old drive-in in Lebanon by midnight tonight and we’ll let Castiel go. You for him._

The second read: _Come alone. No police. Or we’ll kill him graphically and send you the video xoxo_

There wasn’t even hesitation on his part, he knew what he had to do. Cas couldn’t keep suffering for Dean’s sins; this had to end. One way or another, if prison didn’t scare Anna, maybe he could. Dean grabbed his wallet, pulled his jeans back on over his pajama pants, slid into boots he didn’t bother tying and left the room. Sam met him by the front door dressed and ready to go.

“No. Absolutely not. It says to come alone and you and me is not alone.”

“It’ll be dark, Dean. Drop me off a few blocks away.” Sam pulled a gun from his bag. “And I have this.”

“I have one in the car.” Dean looked at Sam’s resolved face and knew he didn’t have the time to stand there and argue with him. Time was of the essence and he couldn’t waste what he had, especially since he didn’t know where he was going.

“Stay here Sam. Please don’t argue with me on this. I don’t have time. Just — if you don’t hear from me or Cas by one call Jody and give her the location where I’m supposed to meet her. I’ll text it to your phone. Just please. Stay.”

Without waiting for an answer Dean grabbed Sam and pulled him into a tight hug, released him and jogged out to his car.

***

Getting to the blind spot in the room had been easier than Cas had imagined. The walk-slide he had done hadn’t taken very much of his energy nor was it overly complicated. It had taken him a while to get there unfortunately, and now that he was he wished he had just stayed put. The pipes that he was cuffed to ended, he assumed, about halfway through that little spot he couldn’t see into, their finish marked by a water tap with the piping running up the wall vertically before, he assumed since he couldn’t see or reach that far, coming down to match continue the path of the other.

The best part? He was stuck. He couldn’t see what held him exactly and moving from that spot or resting his arm was impossible.

Being stuck there like that might be a good thing, and the more he considered it… Still couldn’t see a damn thing, but he knew how to pull in his sleep. Maybe being caught up with something gripping the chain on his wrist while he pulled against it might be what he needed. Cas pulled. And he pulled. He tried to slide his wrist through the cuff; nothing was working.

He’d just have to try harder.

Cas eventually worked himself into a major sweat, with the coppery scent the hung in the air he was sure that some of the wetness he felt on his skin was his own blood. Still, the wetness was good, the moisture no matter what it consisted of would help him. He could worry about his wounds later on. He didn’t know how long he’d been working at this he couldn’t stop unless he was ready to have his hand start swelling and making this entirely impossible. His hands were slender, piano player hands his mother had always said, and hopefully the one that was trapped wouldn’t swell from the abuse it was being put through. That would make freeing it impossible.

“Please come on. Just give me a break, just this once, please let something work in my favor. Please.”

The cuff wasn’t going to give. The pipe was definitely not going anywhere. The only choice he had left was trying to squeeze himself free while he bitched quietly. His hand was slippery enough to help but it wasn’t working, the sliding or the bitching. Nothing was — wait —

“If I didn’t have a pinkie I’d be out of this thing already. I wish I had a freaking knife — oh crap,” Cas was excited, he felt his hand slip through a bit. Then a it more. “Jesus come on. Oh God please come _on_.”

After a few minutes he was finally free. Cas was sure that last tug, the one that had feed him, had taken a lot of skin from the side of his hand, but it was a small sacrifice. It would heal, but he was _free_. Halfway free, anyway. There was his leg to consider but now that he had two hands to help him, he was sure his ankle cuff would be nothing.

That’s what he told himself anyway.

Cas almost passed out when he put his arm straight down against his side. It had been up for days now and he felt like the muscles were frozen there. The ache plus the burning made him briefly wonder if it would be a useless arm now — not useful, just full of pain — but when he was back across the room where he started the pain had already started to subside.

Rest was what his body needed just for a second before he could start working on his ankle. Much to his horror what felt like tiny pulses beat strongly at different places in his arm, like his legs would feel after he’d gone running after a few days of being sick. He knew it was just muscles waking up and he would give it some time to stop before he moved. But the sound of keys in a lock at the door told Cas he had run out of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh.  
> Sam and Dean are adorable though.
> 
> Any glaring mistakes are mine and mine alone. Everything else that's wrong isn't my fault :D
> 
> Not beta'd, as usual!


	18. Never Surrender

_I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow_  
 _I don't wanna live like this today_  
 _I wanna feel better_  
Skillet- Never Surrender 

It occurred to Dean to call someone in Kansas and report the texts and video he had just gotten in case they didn’t already know that Cas was missing. Quickly he dismissed the idea. Surely they knew, and if they didn’t he was almost positive Sam would make the call when Dean was far enough away. That’s how baby brother operated.

It wasn’t clear to him — no matter how many times he watched the video — how long Cas had been there. It could have been hours, or days, whatever it was it was serious, and that’s why he decided that he couldn’t make the call himself. Every book he’d ever read, every television show — if the kidnappers' orders weren’t followed exactly, to the ‘T’, everything always ended up badly. Of course, it was fiction on the TV for the most part and Dean wasn’t stupid, but right now he was under Anna’s control. This was her game, she called the shots. She decided whether he lived and Cas died and he wasn’t willing to bank on her mercy.

That just wasn’t a risk he wanted to take.

According to his GPS, the distance from Sam’s to Lebanon was over thirteen hundred miles, at least twenty hours. No matter how fast he drove, even if he punched his speed to the maximum 130 that his car would go there was still no way that Dean could make it in the roughly ten hours he was given to get there. So… he had to fly. He was terrified of flying. Over the years his fear had gotten a little better; he’d flown twice to countries outside of the United States that couldn’t be driven to after he insisted he needed to try. Cas had always been there with him, to hold his hand, to talk to him, lend his shoulder for sleeping. Fill the prescription for the pills that helped Dean’s anxiety. If he went through with it, this would be the first time he’d ever gotten on a plane without Cas.

He hoped that there was a flight that would get him there before his time, _Cas’_ time, was up. And luckily, there was one. It left in about two hours, one of the smaller airlines with a nearly empty plane. It was heading into Kearney Airport in Concord, Nebraska — which the travel site said was only an hour and a half from Lebanon — and he booked a ticket. Just like that. He was flying.

Jesus Christ, he was flying.

It took him nearly an hour to pick up his ticket and get through security. He left his gun in the car and only carried his car keys, phone and wallet, so he was relieved when no buzzers or sirens went off and he was allowed to board with relative ease. At least something was going right, maybe that meant something good for future endeavors.

The flight attendant must have seen his hands trembling and the light sheen of sweat on his face and assumed correctly that he was a nervous flier — he was shirking the usual protocol and offering Dean a small bottle of alcohol as he took his seat. Dean refused and instead buried his fingertips in the arms of his seat and shut his eyes tightly, practicing the Lamaze breathing he’d been doing with Jess and Sam.

They lied. It didn’t help.

The boarding sounds of the other passengers were lost on him, and thankfully he had been left alone. Once his eyes had closed Dean had fallen into another world, one where he was watching a baseball game and drinking a beer, not freaking out about Cas and sitting on a plane that was about to take off. He was in his own space. Nothing could hurt him here. Unless the plane crashed into the ocean on the way to Nebraska.

Holy shit, was there even an ocean between here and there?

Dean felt the fingers poking at his chest urgently, trying to get attention that he didn’t want to give, but they drew him back into reality anyway. “Dean,” a voice said. “Jesus Christ Dean if I didn’t see you breathing I’d wonder if you were dead.”

“Sam?” Dean finally asked, cracking one eye and then the other only to blink at his brother who was leaning over the empty row of seats in front of Dean. “Sammy. What the hell, man?” Dean’s eyebrows almost connected in the middle of his forehead as he raised his hand questioningly and looked at Sam. “What are you doing?”

“I checked the miles and on the Internet and there was no way you were going to make it on time driving. So when you didn’t answer your phone for me, after the thousandth call I bought a ticket. One of us has to be there.”

Dean shook his head. He — appreciated that Sam felt like he needed to help him, that he wasn’t going to let him walk into this alone, but Sam being there pissed him off, too. He should have answered when Sam had called. “You shouldn’t have come Sammy,” Dean looked over at the still open door at the front of the plane. “You need to go. Get off while the door’s still open,” Dean said. “I can’t worry about you and Cas too.”

“I brought a beanie and my glasses. She’s not going to see me. Nobody is. I just want to make sure that you don’t actually trade yourself — you know, to die. I’m not going to sit at home and wonder what’s happening while you’re off doing this alone. It’s not,” Sam shrugged and turned around in his seat and fastened his seatbelt, sliding yellow headphones on his ears. “Not happening, Dean.”

Sam was determined to ignore Dean until the plane got off the ground. Lifting one side of his headphones to bitch in Sam’s ear gave Dean the distraction he needed for a few minutes. Dean even fastened his seatbelt with barely a thought for what it meant. It wasn’t until the seatbelt light went off and Sam had ordered an orange juice that Dean moved to sit in the aisle seat next to Sam.

“Stop glaring, Dean. I’m here and you really can’t do anything about it,” Sam turned to face his brother and removed the headphones. “But see, I figure that Anna had no idea you were in California, that’s why she didn’t give you enough time to get back to Kansas. So she won’t have eyes at the airport or in Nebraska at all, so we should be good there.”

“I thought about that,” Dean sounded resigned, and ready to plan something with Sam. They couldn’t go off half-cocked like they had when they’d tried to get a confession out of her — they had almost completely fucked that up — they really had to think about it, and they couldn’t tackle this alone. “When we land we’ll call Michael and tell him what we know. Or maybe when we get to Lebanon we’ll call him. We don’t need any cops showing up. Not at first, anyway.”

“Let’s call Lucifer. Out of all of them, he’s probably the most insane, but the most calm during shit like this. I mean, I think. I doubt he’d call the cops. Michael’s engaged to Jody so I see him telling her right off. Gabriel — his temper’s too bad. He’s too emotional, I think.”

The rest of the flight Dean and Sam spent talking and planning things. They had never attempted anything like this before, and a part of them both felt like they _should_ leave this to the police, but Dean knew Anna well enough to know they’d never get Cas back if anybody but Dean showed up.

***

Sam had his hair tucked up into his beanie and his eyeglasses on, walking far behind Dean as they moved through the airport and towards the place that rented cars. Dean was going to pick up the keys to the mystery car he’d rented as he waited to board earlier. Sam veered away from him, just in case they were being watched, and made for the doors that would lead him outside so he could make the call to Lucifer. Dean’s ringing cell phone stopped them both in their tracks.

The call was from a private number. “Hello?” Dean answered, hearing a voice trying to cut through static on the other end. “Cas?”

***

Cas was sure he would never get reception in here, and he was even more sure that Uriel would wake up and get his bearings before Cas could find his way out of this maze. If it weren’t for the tiny bit of light the cell phone screen was providing this entire place would have been pitch black. Whoever had built this place hadn’t believed in windows, just solid concrete walls. Airtight, maybe. Waterproof. Definitely lightproof. Was it a bomb shelter?

Whatever it was, Cas knew there had to be a door or some way to get in and out, but he wasn’t finding it. How were Uriel and Anna getting in and out of here?

Uriel’s intent hadn’t been exactly clear, but Castiel could see the taunting smirk on the other mans face and the single key he had between his fingers. If he was taking the cuffs off of him at this point, Cas knew it could only mean bad things for him. Whether it was going to be Anna or Uriel that carried out these things he didn’t know, but that wasn’t going to happen. If he was going to die, he was going to do it fighting and not curled up in some corner waiting for it.

It was luck that Uriel went to unlock Cas’ leg first, his good Karma was finally coming back to him, and Cas waited, posing with a hand twined around the pipe next to him, until he heard the lock click and he reacted. He threw his whole body into Uriel, and shocked, the much bigger Uriel fell backwards with Cas on top of him, his gun flying one way and his phone the other. Immediately Uriel’s hands went for Cas’ throat, scratching him, breaking skin with jagged nails as Cas tried to lean back out of his reach.

Cas grasped the collar of his shirt and bashed Uriel’s head on the floor under them, again and again, a tiny pool of blood forming beneath his head, but he was still moving, still trying to buck Cas off of his hips, grabbing his hair and trying to yank Cas back. He could feel the second that Uriel’s arms went limp, when he stopped fighting, but Cas wasn’t taking any chances. Dean had forced him into watching enough horror movies that he knew Uriel could be faking. So he used his fists and hit him a few more times just to make sure.

After he checked Uriel for a pulse and breath sounds and he was sure that he hadn’t committed murder, Cas dragged him close to the leg cuffs he had just been released from and locked him in place there. He knew the key was somewhere around, but after a quick look he couldn’t find it, and instead grabbed the phone and the gun and left the room. He knew it was stupid to leave the key, but he hoped he would be long gone by the time Uriel came to.

Except he wasn’t. He could hear a shuffling and a grunting, the sound of a hand or a shoulder pressed and sliding against the wall; the horror movie chase had begun. There wasn’t a door. No matter which direction he turned there was no way out, there weren’t even other doors or other rooms that he could try to hide in and Cas was in the open. Yeah, he had the advantage of the light from the phone which he couldn’t use often unless he wanted to give himself away, and that really didn’t seem like a smart thing to do. And he also had the bullet-less gun, the ammo for which was probably tucked into one of Uriel’s pockets.

When he turned right at the last hallway he came to, it took him straight into a huge circular room. Of course it was empty, more of the same walls and floor and _nothing_ and even worse, the heavy breathing was getting closer to where he was, definitely too close now for Cas to risk using the light to guide him. It was difficult to navigate this place in the dark, so he did the only thing he could think of doing. He pressed himself tightly against one of the walls and stood as motionless — nearly holding his breath — as he could.

Sweat trickled down his face and he tried to stand still but trembled in nervousness and fear, all senses on alert for the noise that Uriel was making, the fight or flight instinct burning through his body as he stood in that one spot just waiting. The shuffling sound came closer and closer, nearly inside the same room Cas was in, and he lifted the butt of the gun… shuffling, heavy breaths just feet away now, closer and closer… and then, then the noises turned, got further and further away.

Relief was instant, but Cas was still cautious with his breathing, careful to remain as quiet as was humanly possible. Several seconds passed by as the sound continued on down the hall and then it occurred to Cas: Uriel wasn’t looking for him, he wasn’t calling his name or taunting him, he was leaving and he likely assumed that Cas had gone too. Wherever he was going was an exit, and Cas was going to follow behind him and hope he wasn’t noticed.

Even as he was thinking it, a door squeaked open in the distance and revealed the silhouette of Uriel in the moonlight as he exited the building. Cas counted to thirty before he made a run for the door and praying that it was left unlocked. If Uriel was still there, he was ready.

***

Dean was nearly shouting as he moved around trying to get better reception. He was sure the problem wasn’t on his end, but instinct had him moving, trying to hear Cas through the static.  
“Are you hurt? Cas, are you — Where are you? Cas. Cas?” Dean fired question after question rapidly as the line went silent, and he glanced around for Sam who was standing a few feet away staring wide-eyed at him.

“I think he said he got free — maybe — I don’t know what he said. ‘Don’t come?’ Maybe ‘call Jody’ or — I couldn’t really understand. But we have to go. We’re closer to Lebanon here than they are, so — nothing changed. Make your call.” Dean bolted for the car rental place as Sam dialed Lucifer and headed out the doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost to the end and I hope you're all still with me!
> 
> Also, feel free to add me on Tumblr: http://lucyspromdress.tumblr.com/  
> I've had it forever but I'm still figuring it out.


	19. Glycerine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote some of the endnotes. Please read.

_I don’t want this_  
_Remember that_  
_I’ll never forget where you’re at_  
Bush- Glycerine

 

Escaping was easier than Cas ever counted on. It could be a trap, yes, Uriel could be lurking in the shadows out here to take him out, but Cas wasn’t trapped inside now. Wasn’t confined by the cuffs that had held him. There was room to move, room to run, room to fight. His situation out in the open, though leaving him vulnerable if he was seen, was a much better one than if he were still inside. The outside of the building was not exactly what Cas had expected it would be. Tall, three stories from his count, straight up with no balconies or split floors, and brick. He couldn’t tell what it was meant to be or what it had been, but it was pretty new looking, built to be structurally sound, yet obviously completely abandoned.

There were windows on the two upper floors, but some were smashed in and some covered over haphazardly with boards and some just left shattered and jagged. Spray-painted random tags decorated over the brick — ‘Teeny’ had definitely been here as noted in several random places outlined with several different, neon colors — and the landscaping was the best part; plenty of places for him to crouch down and hide with heavy overgrown grass and weeds, mostly concealing the structure from the road, which in his estimate was a few hundred feet away from where he stood. Just a _few hundred feet_ away. There were even lights across that two-lane road, in his mind that meant population. There was something over there or better still some _one_ , and all he had to do was walk away from here and cross that road and soon his nightmare would be over.

However, to be on the safe side, he kept to the shadows and the tall grass and crept as far away from the building as he could. Freedom, complete freedom, could come as soon as he was sure he was in the clear. He had to be patient. And he had calls to make now that he was hopefully out of earshot. Dean first. Cas knew Anna’s big plan was to get Dean here with the thought of rescuing him, and of course Dean would come. Even though they had been broken up for a long time now, Dean would come and do whatever she asked to buy Cas’ freedom. And Cas would try to save Dean from her and his own protective impulses. It was almost like Dean and Cas had martyr complexes and would spend their lives sacrificing themselves to save each other.

Reception out in the open was surprisingly spotty, but it was enough to get something through to Dean. He rambled to his ex that he was free, that Anna was planning to kidnap or kill Dean, and there was a third guy, her huge lawyer, for an added surprise. Cas also mentioned he had no idea where they had held him, but he said he was calling Jody and leaving the line open in the hopes that she could get a ping on a cell tower from the phone he was on. The main thing that he had tried to get across was for Dean not to come. He was safe. _‘Please don’t come’_. And then the damn call disconnected.

Cas fell to his stomach when headlights circled the building and the area near him. Stupidly, he hadn’t counted on Uriel in a vehicle looking for him and that was one of the very first things he should have considered. Cas got as low as he could, staying as flat and immobile as possible, hoping there wasn’t a snake or bed of fire ants that he was lying on, yet still willing to risk pain or venom as long as he wasn’t seen. Even breathing seemed like it was too much movement.

Eyes wide, Cas’ heart jumped into his throat when the car stopped just beyond where he was. His eyes squeezed shut for a second and he reached into his pants pocket for the empty gun to use as a weapon. He heard a distant click, signaling the opening of a car door and he opened his eyes to see dress shoes just a yard or so away from him. They were side by side, not moving, as though the owner were sitting or standing in one, fixed position. Then there was a cough, several coughs and gagging as Uriel emptied the contents of his stomach in the grass.

The smell and the sound was nearly enough to make Cas sick himself but he didn’t dare take his eyes off of the scene. He couldn’t. Not until he saw the shoes disappear and the tail lights of the car take a right when the car hit the road and fade into the distance.

That was close. _Jesus_ that was close. Cas thought his pulse was racing before that happened, but now warp-speed jumping out of his body seemed to be a more accurate description.

He stayed flat and crawled on his stomach for a long time, turning his head and not looking in the direction of Uriel’s sick as he snaked his way through the tall grass. This time he was on the lookout for more cars or more people — anything at all that could possibly spell disaster for him. It was only when he had to stand at a dry ditch that he got to his knees and carefully made his way down into it, looked both ways and behind him and ran quickly across the road.

By the time he was able to make a call, this time to Lucifer, his family and the Lawrence and Lebanon police forces already knew where he might be and were waiting for his call.

***

After he dropped Sam off at a gas station near where the GPS labeled the drive in, Dean drove slowly into the very abandoned yard. A tall fence had been constructed around the perimeter presumably to keep out trespassers, but the gate had been left open, swinging lightly (and eerily) in the slight breeze of the night. As soon as he drove through the entrance a single streetlight turned on in the back next to what looked to him like a stage, likely where the screen had once been. It wasn’t motion activated as Dean was nowhere near it, so that could only mean one thing: Anna knew he was here. That wasn’t a big surprise.

He drove slowly to the back, passing by empty beer cans and other scattered Silo cups, plastic bags and other random litter on his way through. A car’s old bench seat, ripped and well used, had been left behind among an old ice chest and several other objects that could be used as makeshift seats forming a semi-circle around what Dean figured was a fire pit. This place was like a teenagers party pit.

Yeah, that gate really kept people out of here.

All the way back it was more of the same around him. Trash, overgrown grass and more evidence that kids had been here illegally. As he got closer to the platform he squinted harder to try and see if he could pick out where Anna was or her car was parked, but there was nothing that he could see. She was hiding well.

Another light came on above Dean and he stopped his car just beyond it. He waited for a beat for Anna to show her face, but when nothing happened he carefully opened his door and got out of the car.

“I’m here,” he called. Dean’s voice was raised but he wasn’t yelling as he stepped away from the car and held up his hands. “I’m here, unarmed and alone, just like you asked.”

Dean paused for a second and looked around, his mouth poised to speak again when Anna stepped out from seemingly thin air by the stage. Her gun was trained on Dean and she didn’t say a word, just motioned for him to step closer to her. As soon as he did she frisked him, and closed a zip tie tightly around his wrists, then pushed him down to his knees.

“My friend will be here with Castiel in a moment,” she said, looking over Dean carefully, keeping her gun aimed at the back of his head as she struggled to zip-tie his ankles together. Dean wasn’t resisting her or putting up a fight, and by the way she was moving quickly and clumsily Dean could tell she was struggling on her own and it wouldn’t take much to take her. The gun though, that was the problem. He didn’t want to risk getting a bullet to the face because the gun went off during a struggle. And what if Cas had gotten caught again? No, Dean had to play along, at least for a little while.

Another set of headlights approached and Dean could almost feel the relief rolling off of Anna in waves. That must be her partner, the man who had Cas — or if he had indeed stayed free— the man who was going to help her put a bullet in Dean.

He watched as the silver car drove in slowly, avoiding the pair of them and the lights going beyond them to likely the place that Anna had been waiting. In the car Dean saw two shadows, one driving, and one in the back. Cas.

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

“Don’t you have some big speech planned to tell me why you went to all this trouble? The bad guys in the movies never shut up when they get the hero down on his knees.”

Anna laughed and moved around to Dean’s front. “And you think I’m the bad guy and you’re the hero, Dean?” She moved closer to him, her gun still pointed at him. “Am I the one who got you fired or had you sent to prison. Or did I promise you a life, and love and marriage — everything I’ve dreamed about since I was five — and then take it all back, tuck my tail between my legs and run because I was getting bored with you?” Anna paused and cocked her head sideways at Dean. “Or was that you? Because generally, that’s what a bad guy does Dean. He tricks people. He lies. He gets what he wants and then he goes away.”

Dean remained silent, just staring at Anna, not because he felt guilty, but because with every word she spoke she had moved closer and closer to him, and now she was on the ground, kneeling in front of him with her gun at her side. Damn, she had issues. He was sorry he had underestimated her level of insanity.

“I guess who’s bad and who’s good depends on your perception. Because from where I am, you’re the villain of the tale. You drugged my ex and nearly killed him, for no reason. Drugged _me_ to hold onto me when I seemed like I wanted to try and work out my relationship with Cas. You tried to frame me. Stole my car. Twice. And I’m pretty sure you were trying to get my brake lines cut a few weeks ago.” Dean nodded at the surprised look she gave him. “Oh yeah, I heard you were asking around about that.”

Anna looked like she was about to deny at least half of what Dean had said, and then she just suddenly smiled and shrugged. “Prove it,” she laughed a little. “It’s sad that — what is the saying? Dead men tell no tales?” She stood and looked at the stage. “Whenever Uriel gets over here with Castiel I’m going to let you watch me shoot him. Maybe Uriel can beat on him a little before that — but either way, you’re going to see it all.” Without warning or provocation, she lifted her booted foot and kicked Dean hard enough in his jaw to knock him sideways onto the ground where she kicked him again, this time in his stomach. Her frown said that his grunts or the blood he spit out weren’t quite what she wanted.

“I just wanted you to love me, Dean,” Anna said over Dean’s coughing hacks. “That’s all. Just love me. It wasn’t _that hard_. I was a great girlfriend. I had sex with you when you wanted. I ate where you wanted, crappy food that you like, piss tasting beer that you prefer. I saw movies you wanted to see. Talked about the things you liked. And you still didn’t —”

Anna gasped, her eyes moving to try and look back behind her as her diatribe was cut short by the barrel of a gun being held to the back of her head. “Drop the gun, Anna,” She didn’t move, her gun still pointed at Dean on the ground at her feet. Showing her the seriousness of the situation, the gun cocked and was pressed deeper into her hair. “Now.” She dropped her gun to the ground at her side where a foot behind her kicked it towards Dean.

Dean cracked an eye and looked up, not quite believing what he was hearing. The first thing he saw was the discarded gun on the ground and then Anna being forced down to the ground with her hands zip-tied behind her back.

“Holy shit,” Dean laughed, spit some blood, and then laughed some more. “You could’ve shown up before she kicked me. Those little girlie boots hurt like hell.”

“Oh no, I watched that part. It was oddly satisfying to see you getting your ass handed to you by this tiny little girl.”

Dean tried to laugh, groaning as he tried in vain to sit up straight. “I told you to stay at the gas station and call the cops, not to play hero and come in here on your own.”

“Yeah, I was going to leave you alone, Dean. I saved your ass.” Sam shook his head and after he made sure Anna was secure he moved over to Dean, trying to get the ties off of him. “We need a knife or something.” He felt his pockets and pulled out Uriel’s keys, which luckily, had a small set of nail clippers on the ring.

“I called the police, Dean, when I parked the car around back. They’re coming.” Sam continued, trying to saw through the thick plastic on Dean’s wrists with the small, blunt nail file that was in the nail clipper fold. “I walked over here, and he almost hit me when he passed out and ran into that street sign. I went to help him, and I realized who he was and why he where he was going. He wasn’t in any condition to drive, and very helpful by sharing their diabolical plan, so.. Here I am.”

Sam had given up on the little file and clippers, and had begun to look around them for something sharp on the ground that would loosen the zip ties. As he was looking on the ground two sets of blue and red lights appeared, no sirens, heading straight to the back towards them. It was a little disappointing that the whole force hadn’t come, but Uriel was in the trunk of his car and Anna was tied up and lying on her stomach. A couple of police was all they needed.

Around an hour later, Uriel was in a ambulance with a possible concussion and definite head trauma and Anna was screaming — yes, screaming — in the back of a police car. Dean was up and unbound, holding an ice pack to his jaw and giving his initial statement to one officer, while Sam was giving his to another. This was over.

 _Almost_ over. Where was Cas?

***

Following the lights that Cas had seen in the distance led him to a large gas station, and he sagged with relief as he exited the trees and saw a pair of police cars parked at the front of the store. Every ounce of adrenalin his body had been running on disappeared as he entered the glass doors, and he breathlessly looked at the officers standing at the counter, managing to tell them he needed their help before he fainted.

***

“Cas, hey, Cassie, wake up,”

Cas’ eyes fluttered open, slowly blinking hard at the shadowed figures standing over him. He raised a hand to rub at his eyes, but stopping to look at the huge bandage on his hand. It took him a second to think, but everything came back to him all at once and he jerked his body at sat up fast. And he shouldn’t have. His injured sides protested and nearly had him on his back again.

“I need to talk to the cops. I need to tell them. The cell phone died and I - they’re planning to kill Dean. I need to — “

A gentle ‘shh’ sound and he was urged back onto the gurney he was on. “It’s all done. Dean and Sam are fine, they’re with the police at the station now. Anna’s in custody, her lawyer is still knocked out and whatever you have to say can wait until an officer comes back to take your statement.”

Cas blinked again and looked up at Raphael who had been speaking, and was now uncapping a bottle of water for him, and then looked to the concerned faces of his brothers as he took the bottle. Dean was okay. Anna was in custody. Sam was — when had Sam gotten involved? “I’m fine, I just need to sit up for a few minutes and wrap my head around this and then I can go to the station. I want to go to the station.”

***

Pictures were taken of all of Cas’ injuries after he gave his statements to the police. Reliving those days with them was easier than he thought it would be, and for the first time since it all began, Cas felt himself getting angry at all of it. At first he had felt sorrow, grief, that maybe there was something he could have done to avoid all of this. But not this time. Now he felt like the fog in his brain had finally lifted and he knew without even having to think about it that this wasn’t his fault. This was done to him, not because of him. He had been a target because his former lover had brought a crazy person, in the context he did, into their lives.

After this there would be no way that he’d be able to look at Dean and think of anything but Anna and Uriel and poisoning and hurt and guns and death. There was no way. It was probably a good thing that they had ceased communicating with each other because he doubted that even a friendship could survive something like this. It was sad and it was unfortunate, despite everything they had been good together, but leaving the past in the past was necessary for them both.

Gabriel was at Castiel’s side as he left the interrogation room, helping him pull a trench coat over his shoulders to cover the dried blood still on his shirt. As he was slipping it onto his arms, he caught a familiar face out of his peripheral vision and turned his head, making full eye contact with Dean when he did. Neither of them moved to go toward the other, but the eye contact was held between them for several long seconds that felt like an eternity. They both knew without saying a word to the other that this was it, that everything, including them, was over. Finally, Dean nodded his head to Cas, who nodded back at Dean, their last goodbyes quick and not sentimental as Cas exited the police station with his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, everyone for being so patient with me. The Thanksgiving holiday (here in the US) and the addition of family has been crazy and I've been anxious to sit and write this last chapter for ya'll.
> 
> I said earlier that essentially Cas and Dean's story was done, which isn't exactly what I should have said because it isn't done. I've decided to add another chapter to give more closure (though the epilogue that no one wanted to give a chance was going o do that), and then put up the epilogue. Give me a few days, friends. One hand, I'm slow.
> 
> I'll also be changing tags to make things clearer.
> 
> The last chapter is an epilogue set a few years into the future, so you have that to look forward to. 
> 
> And, I went through things so fast, so I was considering going back through and writing some outtakes for some scenes or some stories that were told. Maybe even give the Novak siblings some backround explanation. I'm not sure. 
> 
> What do you think? Leave it where it is, like it is or give a little behind the scenes stuff? Let me know, I'd love to hear your thoughts.


	20. Last Goodbye

_This is our last embrace_  
 _Must I dream and always see your face?_  
 _Why can’t we overcome this wall?_  
Jeff Buckley- Last Goodbye

 

A local diner was where he was meeting Dean tonight. This was against his better judgment, of course. With every fiber of his being Cas knew that he and Dean said their goodbyes in the police station three days ago, neither of them tried to go to the other and speak that morning. It wasn’t like they were a pair of lovers that had just survived a traumatic experience and were relieved to see each other and burning with a need to rush over and embrace. He felt like everything they needed to say had been said silently through the space between them and with the raw emotions in their eyes. He didn’t feel the need to drag it out and over complicate what was simple. It was a perfect way to end their story, a story that had truthfully ended between them over a year ago.

Apparently, however, this wasn’t over. Sleeplessness and heartache, crying into his coffee and at the most random times had earned him pitied looks from his siblings and the silent solace that Raphael provided in her arms after she had bullied his other siblings away from him. Cas could have easily taken a deep breath and pretended to pull himself together, been obstinate and said he was a grown man and didn’t want to be babied. But… he did want to be babied. For a few days just to feel arms around him, to take advantage of the comfort that was being offered and not to shrug it off as he had done when he had been in an almost similar situation over a year ago.

The cases against Anna and a now injury free Uriel were at the forefront of everybody’s minds and lingering on the tips of their tongues. Every time someone mentioned Dean’s name or anything that even sounded like they had said the word brought Cas to tears. Dealing with this was harder than he had hoped, and he thought It had taken him three days to decide to call, getting a real shock when he realized that his number was no longer blocked, and again when Dean answered on the second ring. That phone call consisted of many ‘are you really okay?’ and ‘Anna is a fucking douche’, their short responses, sighs, and silence before they decided that they should meet.

Cas arrived well before Dean did. There was only a street between Gabriel’s apartment (where he had been staying since he’d come home) and the diner they had agreed on. He had no idea where Dean was coming from; whether he was back at his own place or if he and Sam had gotten a motel room close to town, Cas had neglected to ask, but Dean pulled his Impala into a parking spot nearest the door almost exactly at the time they had agreed on and sat in his car - composing himself, using the phone, something - for a few minutes before he came inside. Cas stood as Dean looked around for him and he motioned Dean back to the booth he was seated in.

Before he could sit back down, Dean wrapped Cas in a tight hug and for a few moments everything he had been feeling, all of his pent-up emotions came tumbling out in the form of silent tears on Dean’s shoulders. Much to his credit, when he felt the warm wet against him, Dean didn’t move but instead held Cas tighter making soothing noises at him, smoothing his hands down his back and urging him to let go.

“Sorry,” Cas sniffled after a minute. He pulled back from Dean and wiped at his own face. “I’m okay now. Well… better.”

“You sure?” Dean was wiping with the thumbs the dampness on Cas’ cheeks. “The other side is completely dry.” He smiled at Cas and before he could object took his hand and slid onto the bench and pulled Cas in behind him. It was surprising when he didn’t object, but pressed his body close to Dean and wrapped his arms around his waist. Dean wanted to kiss Cas’ hair as he rested his head against his chest, but he stopped himself and reached for the cold coffee with the hand that wasn’t holding Cas, grimacing at the temperature when he tried to sip it. He held the cup up in a gesture to the waitress at the counter.

“Talk to me, Cas. I didn’t have it nearly as bad as you did and I know that shit has to be lingering.”

These were the arms Cas had been anxious to be in and held by and he was glad Dean was more than receptive to holding him. He knew that if he got close to Dean that something like this would happen, and maybe he should have just let it the other day when he had seen him in the police station. Right now might be a different story. Maybe he’d feel better, maybe he’d feel worse. Maybe this meeting wouldn’t have happened at all. This though, he preferred this to the scrutiny under the watchful eyes of their siblings and the police.

“I heard you flew,” Cas said, sitting a bit straighter when the waitress came and put down another cup for Dean and filled it with steaming coffee. “In the air. On an airplane.”

Dean chuckled a bit and lifted the coffee to his lips. “Almost by myself, too. Sam foiled that plan, thank God. But yeah, I was on a tight schedule. Flying was the only way I’d make it.”

“You know, you didn’t have to come at all. I’m not your problem anymore. You could’ve delivered the message to the police and let them handle things. I mean, it was planned and coordinated badly, she would have never realized until zero hour that you weren’t the one coming.”

Dean craned his neck and looked down at Cas. “ ‘Course I had to come, I didn’t want to leave your fate in the hands of cops who weren’t going to be as careful as I tried to be. And it worked out. We got you back, thanks to your ninja skills.”

Laughing a little, Cas pressed himself tighter to Dean. “Would you really have given yourself to her in exchange for me?”

“That was kinda the plan until Sam decided to get on the plane. Jess would have my ass if anything happened to him, so I had to figure something else out.”

“She would’ve killed you.”

“I figured.”

“And you still got on that plane.”

“Yes.”

“You still love me.”

Dean hesitated for a few seconds and took a deep breath, hoping to add some levity to the conversation. “More than my car, Cas. More than pie.”

Cas looked up at him, giving a small roll of his eyes. “Idiot. I love you. I’ll always love you — ”

Dean cut off his words by putting his fingers under his chin and turning his mouth up to meet his, kissing him . “But it’s over between us. I know. We called it a long time ago. And Gabriel burned the corpse. But that never stopped what I felt. It just took not being with you to make me realize that I didn’t want anything else and now it’s — it feels like. If we got back together after this, after everything that’s happened, we might end up hating each other.”

The finality that in Dean’s tone made Cas cringe a little. He wasn’t sure how he was going to finish what he had been saying, he was probably going to add a ‘but’ to what he was saying, he was just glad that he wasn’t the one who did it. “And we wouldn’t have this. Survivor’s club. Friendship. It’s better than the absolute nothing that could happen if we tried to take another stab at it. I love you too much to let us come to that.”

Dean nodded in agreement. “And we can always be friends with benefits.” Cas gave him a scathing look which made Dean laugh. “C’mon. You know my ass is the sweetest ass you’ve ever had.”

“No comment,” Cas deadpanned and sat up straight, laughing when he looked over and saw the look of disbelief on Dean’s face. He reached up and pushed Dean’ chin up to close his open mouth, and then kissed him briefly. “You’ll have to remind me one day. But — for now, maybe we can order breakfast.”

They sat like that, comfortably together, side by side, talking about nothing, talking about Anna and Uriel, Sam and Jess and the baby on the way, the Novak siblings, Michael and Jody’s relationship. Neither of them believed when the sun started coming up that they had been there together for nearly four hours together. Their breakfast plates were long gone and somewhere around their fifth cup of half-drank coffees they had stopped counting the endless refills. It was clear that they didn’t want this to end, but they knew at some point it would have to. They would have to say goodbye. It was heart-wrenching to have that to look forward to, but parting ways was for the best. If they tried being together again right now there was no doubt that everything they had gone through would seep in and eventually cause a rift between them that nothing could repair. Or maybe it wouldn’t, but losing each other completely was something they weren’t willing to do.

Cas volunteered to get the check and as he paid Dean went outside and sat on the hood of his car to wait for Cas to come out, watching the sky lighten above.

“Remember our first sunrise?”

Dean glanced at Cas and then down at his hands. “Right here on the hood of this Impala,” he smirked. “We made out a lot that night.”

“Yes we did,” Cas shook his head at him a little, smiling, and stepped forward, taking Dean’s hands and noting that his green eyes were glistening. “It’s too bad we can’t go back to that.”

“Would you change anything about us if we could? Go back?”

Cas thought a second, squinting as the sun rose higher in the sky and brightened the parking lot and everything around them. “No, tragically enough. We were good. If I did anything different or you did, we might not have had the amazing years together we did.”

Without giving Dean time to respond or ask another question, Cas pressed his lips against Dean’s, and then against his forehead, willing himself not to cry again. He looked at him for the briefest of moments, saying nothing, before he turned and walked away without a word, not daring to look back. He knew if he looked back at Dean — that would be it. Instead, he walked to his car and left, finally crying when he got home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that cleared up some things!


	21. Epilogue

Dean and Cas saw each other a few more times after that meeting at the diner, but none of the encounters left room for friendly banter. They were each, in turn, testifying against Anna and Uriel, and appearances made at Victor’s law offices were a necessary evil. It worked out well in the end. Anna received a twenty-two-year sentence for kidnapping, false imprisonment, attempted murder and a slew of charges that Victor threw at her. They all didn’t stick, but it made hearing them all read off at her trial a feel-good moment for Cas. Uriel got a lighter sentence of fifteen years because he wasn’t the mastermind behind Anna’s plots, but participated as her ‘muscle’ as he called it, and lost his license to practice law. It was a satisfying verdict for Castiel and Dean, both hoping that in twenty years Anna would have latched on to something else.  
  
To be safe, however, Dean picked up everything and moved to California with Sam and Jess. He had no problem finding work as a mechanic, working on high-end luxury cars and older model muscle cars that he had only ever read about. He stayed with the new parents and his tiny little niece with the big lungs for two months, just until he saved up enough to get his own place. His new place was a pay by the month motel he had found, but he was happy there. He eventually made a tiny ripple in that big pond and made a name for himself, mechanic to the B list celebrities after a talk show host spread Dean’s name around among his friends.  
  
At night he signed up for some business classes at the local community college and learned the ins and outs of running a business well, and not into the ground as he learned he had been doing with his Dad’s place. He dated a bit, men and women, but nothing ever stuck or felt completely right to him. But that was fine. His needs were satisfied and for companionship, he had Sam and Jess, and eventually his niece Harper Lee (named after an author, nerds). Harper was an absolute joy, but Dean didn’t get it, really get it, until she took her first steps, laughing all the way to him. After that, he was lost.  
  
Meanwhile, in Kansas, life for Cas was going extremely well. He went back to work at his old job, a job that made him constantly tired but he really loved. Cas wasn’t big on the relationship front. He dated Patrick again, briefly, and had a few random dates here and there, but nothing serious. No one serious, he had something more important to devote himself to. The tiny apartment he lived in became the duplex he lived in across town eight months after Anna’s trial. He needed a bigger place, one with a second bedroom, after the paperwork he had filled out to become a foster parent to a little boy he knew was approved. It didn’t hurt to have a few higher ups pulling for him and making things happen. Jack, his foster son, was a handful at first. A terror that was still wearing footie pajamas, but Cas stuck with it. He had gone through this himself when he was young, had seen it a million times in his career, and eventually, his devotion paid off. He was lucky that the little boy didn’t have any health issues, and he felt like now that he had gotten through to him, had seen a small crack in the wall Jack had built, that with time he could knock it down completely.  
  
Finally, after two years of the same job, Cas was promoted to supervisor, and with the new job title and shiny new parking space, came a raise. For the first time in forever, Cas was able to put enough cash away to afford a vacation. It wasn’t big, they took the train and didn’t fly, but Cas took Jack to Orlando with Gabriel in tow to visit Disney World for a week, the first-time adventure for all of them. A few days after they returned home from vacation, Victor called Cas with the most amazing news: his application to formally adopt Jack had been officially approved. His family was thrilled and every Novak was there to celebrate when the big day came. Everything was finally perfect in his life.  
  
The contact that Dean and Cas kept was stronger during the first year than the second. During the third year the monthly updates that had once been weekly, turned into quick emails that often went unanswered and forgotten for two or three months at a time. They hadn’t forgotten each other, far from it, but with everything going on in their lives and the distance between them it was just easier to shove the friendship they had to the side and focus on what they had now instead of what was lost. And then the emails just stopped altogether.

_April 3, eight months later_

Jody looked beautiful. Her medium length hair was swept up and held in place by the tiara whose crystals matched the pattern on the straps of her white blouse. She had finally married Michael today in a small but beautiful ceremony by the lake on Lucifer’s land. The ceremony was limited to family only, mostly the Novak siblings and their spouses and children. But the reception was big, under several tents closer to the house, and promised to host every police officer, attorney, gas station clerk and street sweeper in Lawrence as well as a few of Michael’s friends from his old law firm in California. Cas had no idea who they had invited, but with at least half of the Lawrence PD present, it was undoubtedly the safest place to be in the state.  
  
Watching Jack run carefree was a sight that made Cas’ heart swell. Two years ago it had been so difficult to get the boy to come out from behind the small space he had made for himself behind the couch. Now to see him running so free with friends from his school — well, it was nothing short of a miracle. How far he had come.  
  
A tap on his shoulder drew him from his thoughts, and assuming it was Gabriel, Cas didn’t turn but continued to watch Jack. “Can you believe it? It’s like a different child has taken his place.”  
  
“Like pod people?”  
  
Cas opened his mouth to answer, but the realization that it was a gruff but familiar voice that had replied stopped him. Smiling brightly, he turned his head and held his hand up to his lips. “Dean.”  
  
Dean was smiling in return. “You were expecting someone less handsome?”  
  
“Gabriel. But you’ll do.”  
  
Cas couldn’t stand still suddenly and gathered Dean into a hug. “God, you look so good. California agrees with you,” he smoothed his knuckles on Dean’s cheek. “You’re tan _and_ you moisturize? Speaking of pod people…”  
  
Before Dean could say anything they were separated by a tiny body cramming itself between them and taking Cas’ hand as he looked up at Dean and returned his attention to Cas. “Daddy, my kite is stuck in a tree. I tried to pull it down but it won’t move.”  
  
“We’ll get Uncle Lou to get it. Just hang on. I want you to meet someone first.” Cas pointed to Dean. “Jack, this is Mr. Dean, an old friend of mine. Dean, this monkey is my son Jack. He adopted me a couple of years ago.”  
  
“Hi, Mr. Dean. I know who you are. My daddy has pictures of you in our house.”  
  
Looking amused at Cas’ face Dean bent to shake Jack’s hand and exchange pleasantries while Cas looked around for one of his brothers. “Look, honey, there’s Uncle Lou. Why don’t you run over and tell him your kite is stuck.”  
  
Without another word Jack ran off in Lucifer’s direction, calling for him as he moved.  
  
“Pictures of me in your house, Dad?”  
  
“To keep the insects away,” Cas grinned, shrugging. “We had some great pictures together. I’m not getting rid of the ones that made me look good.”  
  
Dean laughed, his eyes falling on Jack as he pulled Lucifer across the yard. “I can’t believe you’re a dad. You can’t even kill a spider on your own.”  
  
“That’s why I didn’t cut you out of the pictures. Spider control.”  
  
The pair walked around the yard together, sipping champagne they grabbed from a table they passed, the conversation they were having flowing easily between them, like no time had passed. And really, it didn’t feel like any had. It felt good, their eyes and the close proximity that they stood said that.  
  
“If you’re in town for a few days, we should have dinner. Catch up. It’s been a while since we emailed each other.”  
  
“Yeah, I’d like that. Actually, I’d like that a lot. But uh, I’m going to be in town more than a few days. My dad is officially retiring for the second time next month, and I’m taking over the business.”  
  
Cas blinked at him several times and stuttered at him, very attractively thank you, before he actually spoke. “So — you’re moving back? To Lawrence? You’re moving back to Lawrence?”  
  
“Yeah, I kinda have to be here to run the shop.” Dean stepped a little closer to Cas, acknowledging how wildly his heart was beating just being this near and hoping that Cas’ stutter was a sign of something good. “I — maybe we should turn that catch-up dinner into like, a date. I’m new in town and all. Maybe you could take pity. Unless you’re seeing someone. Then dinner just stays catch up dinner.”  
  
“Not seeing anyone else.” Cas said, shaking his head. “I could take pity on the new guy, and — I think — yeah, I will. As long as he doesn’t keep me out late. And he promises to wear that cologne that has me swooning over here.”  
  
“I think I can do that,” Dean reached out and took Cas’ hand. “In case your swooning leads to you fainting, I’ve got you.”  
  
“You always had me, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the ending I always had planned in case anyone was wondering. 
> 
> Anyway, it's been a crazy ride. Thanks for everyone that stuck with this.  
> I will be doing a rewrite in the near future, just cleaning it up and making sure a few points are more clear, but nothing is changing.
> 
> Thanks for reading


End file.
